Consent: What It Isn't

Ending boring sex is important to the GetLusty crew. More specifically, ending boring sex through tantalizing, exciting and adventurous consensual sex is important. We have written about what consent is, but do we know what it isn't? Our own Rachel Colias reports.

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Consent is a simple enough concept, but the necessity of it is what generally becomes vague in the portrayal of sex as a whole. So let’s ask the question most don’t: what isn’t consent?

• If a person does not have the option to say “no,” it’s not consensual
• If a person is being coerced, it’s not consensual
• If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s not consensual
• If a person is unconscious, it’s not consensual
• If either of the parties is under the legal age of consent, it’s not consensual
• Silence is not consent
• If a person does not reciprocate, it’s not consensual
• If a person fights back without establishing beforehand the fighting as part of the sex act, it’s not consensual
• ANY version of the word “no” — not now, wait..., maybe later, it hurts, I’m not in the mood, fuck off, don’t touch me, I’m not sure, let’s just go to sleep, but..., stop, leave me alone, don’t — does not count as consent.

Any version of the word “no” means no and if a person continues the sexual interaction after a “no” has been established in some way, the action is now assault.

Now that we understand that there are many ways to say “Yes” and “No." If you read my previous article, Consent 101, we all need to understand why the difference is important.

Why do we need consent? The most obvious reason is because sexual interactions that include consenting participants is the only legal type of sexual interaction that exists. Beyond obvious issues of legality arise the issues of personal, mental and physical health.

Being the recipient of non-consensual interactions is traumatic and should never be an experience someone has to endure. Forcing or coercing someone into a non-consensual interaction is entirely unacceptable and causes serious harm to the non-consenting participant. What a lot of people don’t or choose to not realize is that a lack of consent results in assault and rape.

This misunderstanding due to a lack of communication is bad for both or all parties. As mentioned above, victims of sexual assault or rape are especially hurt by the non-consensual act and are in no way at fault for what has happened to them. It’s hard also for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or sexual partner to hear that what they’ve done constitutes assault or rape. A sexual partner that, for example, slaps their partner in the face during sex thinking it will be hot, but doesn’t ask permission beforehand, might not intentionally be trying to hurt the other person involved. However that lack of communication and consent is what hurts people and breaks trust.

So please remember, consent is a necessary aspect of any sexual interaction; you must recognize and respect everyone’s right to say “no” and their sexual boundaries.

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! E-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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5 Tips on Communication During Sex

It takes practice to talk about the kind of sex life we want. It might even take several conversations for a couple to confront a difficult topic or to really explore the depths of a proposed addition to the sexual repertoire. But eventually it's time to do something about all of these conversations. Some of you communication-phobes out there might be thinking, "I am so glad I don't have to talk anymore and we can just get to it!" Well, bad news in the short-term but good news for your long-term sex life: the conversation is not over. GetLusty staff writer Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Since leaving my job to go back to school, I've to learn how to cook in my extra time at home. My husband has always been the chef and I had been thinking that it was time I learned how to fend for myself. So I spend time before the meal preparing, obviously. Chopping, stirring, sauteeing, learning how to time all the components so it's all ready at the same time. But my job isn't done when we sit down to eat. Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!

You can see where this is going. "Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!" becomes, "Do you want it faster or slower? Do you need more lube? Shit, I forgot my beer!"

Well, sex is also like that. Below are 5 ways to keep the conversation going during sex.

#1 Find a sexy way to ask for what you want

If what you want to share with your partner is a request, don't sheepishly beg your case. Confidence is sexy. You don't have to bring whatever you are doing physically to a screeching halt to state your demands, either. "Why don't you flip me over and..." without missing a beat says lusty, sexy confidence. If you're comfortable with dirty talk, use it to your advantage here.

#2 Don't be afraid of laughter
 

Someone is going to sneeze during sex. Or fall off the bed. Or mention lasagna at an inappropriate time (to his credit, that only happened once).

But if we only accept perfectly candle-lit romantic comedy sex as successful sex, we're always going to fall short. Those scenes are shot until they are perfect. But they aren't real.

You are real, and that is perfect. Acknowledge that life happens, even during sex, and sometimes it is funny. Ignoring it only makes you feel awkward. And hungry for lasagna.

#3 If something is uncomfortable, make it known

How many of us have suffered through a sex position that didn't quite work for us just because we didn't want to ruin the mood? Probably too many of us, really. But while we may have been getting our partner off, we were nowhere close to orgasm. In fact, we had a charlie horse, or our hair was trapped under an elbow and being pulled, or the angle was just off. You don't have to screech and break everyone's concentration. If some slight physical maneuvering on your part doesn't solve the problem, a gentle hand can guide your partner's elbow out of your eye ball. Or, a quiet "Babe, to the left" is not offensive. If you've got a good partner, they'll want you moaning rather than wincing through the experience.

#4 Be positive, not critical

It's true. Sometimes, we just aren't on the same page with our partners. We're not feeling it, they seem tired or distracted, and we're just not hitting our groove.

If communicating during sex doesn't seem to be moving things along, it is easy to get frustrated. But please refrain from taking it out on your partner during sex. This is a vulnerable place for many people. And if your "slow down" becomes a "do you really have to go so fast all the time?!" I can guarantee your partner will slow down--to an abrupt stop.

#5 Be a good listener

Listening is just as important as sharing. Sharing takes courage. Honor that by hearing it out. Start trying to listen for your partner's non-verbal communication. Moans, sighs, body language. It's a real advantage in a long-term relationship. Take advantage!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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Consent 101: What Is It, Anyway?

This seems silly. Why are we talking about consent with couples who are already engaged in sex. It must always be consensual, right? Well, not so much. Sometimes we ladies (or gents) feel obliged to have sex. We don't overtly consent during the start, middle and end. Cross boundaries and we feel really bad. It can start a relationship problem. Don't fall into that trap! Consent. Be clear. We'll tell you how.

Consent is super hot. You're both getting exactly what you want and need. Can you get any sexier than perfection? That's why we're starting a three part series on consent. What is it, anyway? What isn't it? And, how do I communicate to have an amazing sexual relationship?

With the general ambiguity of most pop culture portrayals of sex, we feel obligated to clarify what is and is not acceptable for sexual consent. In this first installment, we define consent. Rachel Colias is here to talk about the subject that's near and dear to our hearts. Consensual, amazing sex. 

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Definition

Consent is something a person does or says to communicate their desire to participate in a sexual activity; consent is a verb and it is enthusiastic. This active consent includes vocalizing an initial agreement with a partner or partners.  Don’t be confused, though. That initial “yes,” is something that can be taken back and does not include agreeing to everything their partner wishes to do.

More specifically, now

For instance, a person can consent to having their nipples sucked. However, that does not mean they consent to having their underwear removed; a person can consent to oral sex, but that does no mean they consent to intercourse. There is no such thing as an all-encompassing “yes,” nor is there an obligation for the consenting parties to do anything they do not wish to do. As the wonderfully hilarious band Flight of the Conchords sings, “a kiss is not a contract”; participating in one sexual act does not obligate a person to take the interaction any further.


Do it. Over and over. Just like sex!

Giving consent once does not also obligate a person to consent to the same thing on a different occasion either. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex a certain way or with a particular person only once; consent is not something that carries over and it can’t be used against someone if they don’t want to repeat an act or have sex with the same person on a separate occasion. No one “owes” you anything and you never “owe” another person something. Sex should be your and your partner’s choice. 

Along with being enthusiastic, consent is also sober. Taking advantage of someone who is drunk or under the influence of drugs is not consensual nor is it acceptable or legal. Consent needs to be something received and given before anything sexual can happen and it can’t be assumed.

Respect. Love. Enjoy!

Consent is something you respect. It’s a necessary aspect of all sexual interactions and no one should ever be made to feel bad about not wanting to participate in particular sexual acts. Consent is something you should always obtain and communicate. 

This article is by our awesome new columnist Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication. 

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators, playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follower her Tumblr blog here! Also e-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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