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4 Ways to Get Him to Love Your Sex Toy

Do you have to hide your sex toys from your partner? Sneak a solo session in with your vibrating friends after he's fallen asleep? Shame on you! Guys love toys too, so let him play! But maybe he's uncomfortable with that 12 inch dildo hiding in the corner of your closet. Men can be incredibly insecure when it comes to competing phalluses. All you have to do is remind him that they're just toys, and he loves toys. Lynn Olejniczak is here to help you with developing a relationship between your toys and your man.

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Most of us have one, or maybe two. Generally they are tucked away in a drawer, or the closet, usually in the original packaging. When we use it, it is often when we are alone, or discretely after the night is over and he has fallen asleep. It does its job; we clean it, and then put it away again. Our husbands know we have it, they just don’t ask. What they don’t see, they don’t have to confront.

What's wrong with a sex toy, anyway?

What is the issue with a vibrator? Some husbands don’t have an issue. They eagerly join in the fun by watching or using it on their wife. There is an open dialogue about toys and may even enjoy purchasing them for her use, or even their own. While this is terrific, it doesn’t always happen. Or it doesn’t happen without a conversation – sometimes an uncomfortable one.

See, for all their bravado men can be pretty insecure. This is where "the wall" comes up regarding toys. Let’s face it, toys don’t get tired. Toys can vibrate faster, are more direct than a human finger, and have more force than the tongue. They don’t change the rhythm because of a cramp, nor do they interrupt the moment to ask you if it feels good. All-in-all, toys are pretty freakin’ awesome. They would be even more awesome if your hubby was involved.

So, how do you approach the subject without running right into that wall? Answer: Gently.

#1 Assure him

Your husband knows the benefit of mechanics, he’s a guy! But the last thing he wants is to be replaced by a machine. He won’t admit it but that's what he's thinking when he hears the word “vibrator”. What you need to say to him is, “Honey, my Nea is terrific but it would be even better if you would use it on me. Please?” And while he may look like a deer in headlights, that is the moment you show him what it is and better yet, show him how it works.

#2 Start small

Getting your husband into using toys on you may be easier if you start out slow, and small. Bullets, mini massagers, finger tinglers – all are small and powerful. There is nothing intimidating about them and you can buy them in pink for Pete’s sake. Once he sees this tiny device, he may feel more comfortable with the whole idea. Show them how to turn it on, adjust speeds and vibrations. The guy in him will kick in and want to figure out how it works, and how it works best. Show him where to position it, if you even have to. Chances are he will want to see for himself. If he is moving about too much or changing speeds too often, gently show him where it feels best. Move his hand, or tilt your hips to help him out, just as you did the first time he went down on you. He'll get it.

#3 Move up when you're both ready

If you happen to have something larger and more complex like a studded, flexible dildo or a Triple Rabbit, you may want to hold off on showing him those if you think he may be uncomfortable. Get him used to the idea of something inside of you besides him by purchasing a dildo, and using it in conjunction with a small vibrator. Buy something made of glass or acrylic so it doesn’t appear too real or intimidating. You can even get a dildo with a removable vibrator for when you want to take him to the next level.

Just as you would want to be treated with respect and understanding if he wanted to do something new in the bedroom that you might not be comfortable with, go into this conversation with the same loving respect for his feelings. Many men are creatures of habit. They'll wonder if they are “enough” if you enjoy using toys to compliment your sexual session.

#4 Engage him

Let your partner know it is them you are in love with, not your Rabbit. Try not to play the, you-masturbate-too-card because he will say he doesn’t use an artificial vagina and then the conversation will just go downhill. Rather, if more explanation is necessary compare it to another position for you two to enjoy. Let him know it turns you on when he watches you enjoy yourself. It is probably turning him on too, he just has to get used to it.

But once he does; congratulations! You will be able to throw away the box it came in, and use that cute little satin bag. Finally!

Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."

She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CDs rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.

Erotic orgasm denial is supremely hot. Though we've just been introduced to this idea, it already sounds fabulous. And it's the weekend, what better time to try new things sexually? On top of that, we just love articles by Portia Blush. Without adieu, Portia Blush, our master of female domination, is here to talk about erotic orgasm denial.

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You've heard that old adage, "Tis' better to give than to receive", right? Orgasm has long been the goalpost that most of us look forward to reaching during our sexual escapades, so much so that sometimes we lose sight of enjoying ourselves in the pleasure of the moment. When sex is goal-oriented and we become fixated in whether or not we're going to climax, it can actually lessen our pleasure, rather than heighten it. This anxiety over whether or not one is going to climax or not, or how long it's taking to reach that point, can actually inhibit the very thing we crave. But what if we took the goal away? What if suddenly there was no finish line?

What is erotic denial?

Erotic orgasm denial, or sometimes called "tease and denial" play, takes away the goal of orgasm, and helps your partner not only focus on the pleasure they are giving, but also heightens the pleasure they are receiving.

Orgasm Denial is the practice of withholding and/or denying orgasm during sexual activity in order to maintain a heightened state of arousal for an extended time. Within a D/s (dominant/submissive) bond in a BD/SM relationship, it is also used as a method of, or reinforcement of, control. For it to be most effective, a degree of familiarity with your partner is paramount; knowing the subtle (and not so subtle) cues of their stages of arousal will be needed for you to learn where their orgasmic edge lies. Intimate knowledge of your partner's sexual response will help you to know how, where, and when to vary the intensity and timing of the stimulation accurately. The amount of time orgasm is withheld varies upon many factors, just as the reasons for doing so, and can range from hours, to days, or even months! Although the word "denial" may sound controlling, please know that this type of play is consensual, and not forced. Both partners are willing and hopefully eager, participants.

The numerous degrees of orgasm denial

Orgasm Denial can include several different degrees of play. "Edging", or "tease and denial", is when you stimulate your partner almost to the point of orgasm, but then reduce or stop the stimulation just prior to climax, only to then work up to that point again, and repeat the process. This style can be done in short or long-term scenarios, as decided by between lovers. Enforced Chastity is another form of orgasm denial in which orgasm is not only controlled and denied, but other sexual stimulation as well. It can also include masturbation, in addition to partner sexual exchange. This can be done through just verbal command and acceptance, or through more extreme measures by using chastity enforcement devices.

The joys of Orgasm Denial can be experienced within the context of a D/s relationship in BD/SM play, or it can be shared between two partners who just want to enjoy experimenting with new forms of erotic sexual play. No matter what your relationship style the benefits are the same; sustained, intensified pleasure. Also, orgasm control can be shared between couples of varying gender configurations. Please know that I am writing this article from the viewpoint of a woman with primarily male lovers, so I am referring mostly here to male orgasm denial, though the characteristics of female orgasm denial are extensively similar.

Top 5 Reasons to Try Orgasm Denial

#1 Heightened Sensations

While one might think of denying orgasm as incredibly limiting to pleasure, it's actually the opposite. By withholding orgasm you force your partner to remain in a place of sustained arousal, and that arousal continues to build upon itself, instead of decreasing through the release of orgasm. When you don't allow your partner to fall over that climactic edge, the erotic energy magnifies, making even the subtlest of stimulation that much more intense than before. Your partner will experience your touch at a whole new level. Suddenly the person being denied the orgasm will rediscover kisses, touches, and other pleasures that had become routine.

#2 The Big "O" Just Got Bigger

When you deny your partner an orgasm by continually bringing them to the precipice of their edge, but never allowing them to fall over, you increase their ability to sustain that state of arousal for longer and longer periods of time. This allows the person being denied the orgasm to experience that heightened pleasure for longer periods of time, but also now is able to focus intently on the pleasure in the moment, without the pressure of progressing towards climax. After remaining in this tide of the ebb and flow of this state of intensified arousal, when they are allowed to come, the orgasmic pleasures experienced will be intensified above and beyond those felt during a typical sexual experience. Some people say that even their most pleasurable peaks were no comparison to those reached after being denied orgasm for periods of time.

#3 Increased Sexual Frequency

Heightened sensations mean heightened enjoyment, and the longer you remain in that heightened state of arousal, the more often you want to be experiencing sexual sensations. The person is stimulated that much easier, as they are almost in a constant state of arousal because they have yet to complete the arousal cycle through orgasmic release. It can become almost a constant state of desire. And what does this mean for you? More sex! They will want to have sex more often, and you get the reap the benefits!

#4 Rediscovery of Your Partner

Ladies, restricting his orgasms, and exercising control over whether or not he has one, and when , will have him focussed on pleasing you! When his orgasm is restricted, your lover will become more tuned in to you, and will learn how to put your pleasures before their own. It will help him relearn the exquisite pleasure of a lingering deep kiss, or a soft caress, as they no longer are markers along the way to orgasm, but now the main course to savor. Orgasm Denial teaches your partner how to derive pleasure from pleasing his partner; you!

#5 The Joy of Surrender

Power Exchange can be incredibly erotic in itself, so what better way to enhance your intimacy then by surrendering the control of your most intimate, personal acts; orgasms. It can be highly arousing to give yourself over to another this way, and allow yourself to experience how freeing giving up control can be. When we are expected to be in charge of so much in life, surrendering the responsibility to your lover to take care of you can be not only a relief, but intoxicatingly powerful.

It's always exciting to try new experiences together, especially in the bedroom. Orgasm Denial may be that next new thing on your horizon to bring you closer together! While I understand it may not be everyone's erotic cup of tea, I encourage you to have an open mind, and consider that Orgasm Denial play may have something to offer you and your lover. As always, play safe, and most of all, have fun my fellow sexplorers!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

We don't write frequently on testicles. They always seem to get left out. There's prostate play and pegging and our friend Charlie Glickman talks about prostate play. Although Camille Crimson noted testicle play in her blowjob recommendations. However, we haven't spoken about playing with your mans' balls. So Tommy Allen, our favorite happily married husband, is here to talk about why you might want to play with his balls more often.

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Ball squeezing is so misunderstood. I'm sure some men have a very sensitive scrotum and their partner can tell when too much pressure is applied. For example, listen for the loud wail. But you'll be pleasantly surprised just how hard you can squeeze those begging balls when passion has consumed him.

The cupped hand of a loving partner around the family jewels is one of the most sensual things a guy can experience. A partner who is willing to hold your precious pearls in her hand and knead them gently is very special indeed. I'm talking about kneading like with bread. Gently. But when she knows what to do and how far she can go and how hard she can squeeze, it can be explosive.

Too much too soon can be painful, but just the right amount of pressure at the right time can be wonderful. My recommendations:

#1 Start very gently

Be sure you start softly and continue to become more aggressive - up until the point he pulls away. Pain can be erotic, in small bits. It can be a mood killer if you give too much before he's ready. He may have extremely sensitive testicles or not so much. First understanding his responses will let you know how gently (or more aggressive) you can massage his crown jewels.

#2 Start with one

You can embrace his entire ball sack is in your hand therefore spreading the pressure over a wider area. Or try kneading ONE ball between your fingers. Too much concentrated pressure and he will surely let you know. But by having his testicles in your hand you can apply gently increasing pressure as his pleasure escalates.

#3 Gradually add pressure

Once the mood has swung into high gear imagine yourself as his sexual master and in control of his whole being with only his balls in your hand. You can squeeze and squeeze hard to elicit response. At this point you can make him grimace in pain, as long as you keep the juices flowing. Add pressure, then release and rub his dick. The enjoyment of your hand on his dick quickly diminishes the pain in his balls.

There are few times a man enjoys waking up with sore and bruised balls. One of those is the morning-after having his balls worked over by an overzealous partner having her way with him. The guy thinks how sore his tesitcles are, then a smile comes over his face as he remembers those hands that were squeezing them only hours ago. The pleasure lingers with the pain.

Sometimes you ladies think of guy's balls the way men think of breasts - something to touch once, touch twice, and then go for gold. Men should savor and enjoy the breasts like fine wine and you girls should feast on those precious hanging nuts during the entire meal, not just as an appetizer.

When we heard from Tommy, we were very excited. He's still very much in love with his wife of over 3 decades. And he wants to share his successful skills!

Tommy has been happily married for 34 years and together he and his wife has 3 grown sons. He is a student of life and love. He loves to learn by watching, listening and observing others. He use his blog to share his observations on life, love and relationships. Love is Tommy's favorite subject. He and his wife have lived, loved, loved and loved some more in Daytona Beach for more than 18 years. Check out his blog at www.bedroombootcamps.com

GetLusty loves to speak our minds, especially with our lovers and partners. Feeling confident enough to tell your lover just what you want in and out of the bedroom can be life changing. Seriously. Expressing yourself can really improve your love life. Communicating clearly about your sexual desires also brings you and your partner closer intimately. Portia Blush is here with a personal take on how to ask for what you want (in this case anal) in bed.

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Have you ever had a lover say, “Tell me what you want,” while you were in bed? You could also be wherever you might find yourself naked and sexually entangled together. Alternatively, have you, yourself, asked this very question of a lover?

Here I am, lucky enough to learn the in's and out's of my sexuality fairly thoroughly. I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM. As I explored along the way, I learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted. It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time. It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access. However, look at the other choice! Amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences? No, no. But, hey, we’ve all had those. So after awhile, you just have to take that bull of sex by its horns.

Get vulnerable

Knowledge is power, right? But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear? What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?

I have been lovers with a friend on and off for the better part of 17 years. He’s known me since before I even knew what an orgasm with a partner was. The key words there being “with a partner”.

We were together when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory. It's fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature. In fact, I had my very first threesome and my very first experience with a female lover, with him. Ah, the memories.

Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned. Stop laughing. The threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey. Really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out, in light of where I explored without him. Recently, he asked me “Tell me what you want. Tell me what to do.” And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.

I went out on a limb

“Do you like anal?”, I queried. Silence. "With the right person, and in the right moment," he answered. We have not spoken of it since. And I knew the answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him. I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either, just kidding.” I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu. I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.

So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience. As the stereotype goes, men are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant.

If not totally against the idea of anything, even remotely, nudging the puckered pink door of nether-regions. And here I am, the apparent female sexual anomaly. I love anal sex, now feeling more than mildly embarrassed for feeling that way.

I got embarrassed

OK, I get it. Even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced in a long time. And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship. The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”. Because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers. While that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.

Prepare for surprise, but do it anyway

Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways. There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it. I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it! So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask. Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking. And always, prepare to be surprised.

Originally posted at Erogenous by Portia Blush!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

Just because we're on Dick & Dildo December doesn't mean we can't vag out on our favorite topic: female orgasms. We love talking about female orgasms, and why wouldn't we? We recently shared some important erogenous zones, how to have more intense orgasms and of course, more information on the ever-so-important G-Spot orgasm. GetLusty loves female orgasms! Today, our resident queen of dominance, Portia Blush is here to provide a few more absolute essential lessons about the female orgasm.

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Ever wished your female lover's body came with an instruction manual for optimum pleasure? Think the female orgasm is as elusive as the golden snitch in Harry Potter, or winning that latest Powerball lottery? Think again! Here are some insights from the inside on just what you need to know about the female orgasm from one woman who loves having them!

#1 We're not all built the same

The most important lesson of all to know about the female orgasm is that we don't all get there the same way. Just like with what gets you off guys, there is no "One size fits all" owner's manual on how to please a woman. Our orgasm, and how we achieve it, as as individual as we are. To this extent, don't assume that what has worked wonders with other women, will work with the partner you have now. If she doesn't take the lead by telling you what takes her there, speak up and ask! We like lovers who are as interested in pleasing us, as they are in being pleased. Ladies, take ownership of your own pleasure and tell him, or better, show him!

#2 This is not a timed test

The timing of how long it takes a woman to reach orgasm varies greatly. Time of the month (as far as where she is in her cycle), her mood and where her mind is at, and the stimulation she is receiving (or not receiving) are just some of the variables that will effect how long it takes to reach orgasm. A woman who can cum rather quickly on one day, may take longer on another. Some women may even feel the need to fake an orgasm if they perceive you feel they're taking too long. Honestly, I've done it myself, and I have heard from many female friends that they have as well. We don't want to do that believe me, so do your lover a favor and don't make her feel like she is in a race to orgasm at the pace you want her to. Just like you don't want to be worried if you are lasting long enough, we don't want to feel equally pressured to orgasm on a time schedule.

#3 Don't stop the groove

Variety in lovemaking is a great goodness, and should be applauded. However, If you are doing something with your tongue, or the rhythm of your thrusts with your cock that has your woman writhing in ecstasy, whatever you do, don't stop doing it! Pay attention to how your partner is reacting to what you're doing. If you have found a rhythm that has her thrusting her hips into you for more and climbing excitedly to orgasmic bliss, don't suddenly change the groove on her.

There is nothing worse than being inches away from orgasm, only to have it thwarted because your lover decided to change things up at the worst possible moment. I'm not sure why some of you guys do this, but it seems that sometimes right as you know we're approaching orgasm, you start going faster and harder for what seems like no reason at all. If we are moaning in pleasure about to peak, don't stop the groove! Pay attention, learn her signals, and when you know you're on the right path, stay your course, good man!

#4 Ring bell for service

Our clitoris is not the only thing we like stroked. While we ladies definitely need clit stimulation to get off, that is not the one and only way to make us cum like wildfire. You've heard of that elusive G-Spot before? It's no myth! It's located just about 1-2 inches just inside the vagina on the upper wall (think towards the belly button if this confuses you).

If you're going down on your woman, don't be afraid to use your hands to sweeten the deal. One or two well-placed fingers stroking her g-spot will have most women juicy with joy! Some rare women, like myself, even enjoy a finger inserted in our anus while we're being eaten out.

Though many women feel their anus is like a "No fly zone", so don't go exploring uncharted territory without asking first. And fingers aren't just for inserting either! Massage her labia gently, stroke her inner thighs, trace her body with one hand: the possibilities for pleasure in this sense are endless! For more information on the elusive G-Spot orgasm, check out our many ideas. We've got advanced cunnilingus with g-spot stimulation tips, wonderful books on g-spot and even the in-fashion technique of squirting.

#5 We like a little pre-game show

Don't turn up your nose at the art of foreplay! Take the time to not only romance her, but her body as well. We hate it when you want to jump right into the heat of the action, without some warm up. Women are like fine wine; we want to be savoured. Don't just slide in and start pumping away, we need you to work your way up to that. Tease her, slowly stroke the length of her body, and whatever you do, don't underestimate the sensuality of kissing! Everyone likes a quickie on occasion, but when you have the time, make sure you spend it drinking in every ounce of your partner, and revel in the journey, not just the destination.

#6 Touch her with your words

While men are more visual creatures, women tend to be more auditory when it comes to arousal. Talk to your lover. Tell her how sexy she is, how much you love her body, and all the things you want to do to her. We love to hear how much you desire us, and how you so eagerly want to enjoy every ounce of our bodies. There's nothing like a well-timed whisper in our ear as you're sliding yourself in and out of us, or the sound of our name on your lips as we send you into the throws of orgasmic heaven. We also love to hear your pleasure too, so don't be afraid to let us know with moans of pleasure how much you are loving what we're doing to you!

#7 We are not breakable

Not every woman likes sex soft and gentle. Some of us like to be fucked with wild primal abandon that can sometimes only be seen on Animal Planet! Although we may look like delicate creatures, I can assure you we will not break. If we say we want to be ridden fiercely, to witness the masculine strength and prowess we know you're capable of. Believe us!

#8 Variety is king

That being said, we may not always be looking for lovemaking in the same style and fashion one day, as we will the next. Just like you guys, we want different things when we're in different moods. Our orgasms are much the same. Some days we may want to be made love to slowly by you while a serenade of Barry White songs playing in the background, and others we may want to be fucked senseless up against the wall with animalistic force while our clothing is still half on. Some days one scenario will have us humming like a tuning fork with passion, and some days not. Go with the flow!

#9 Be a gentlemen

Make sure we cum first! I say this for two reasons: One, this takes the pressure off of us for feeling like we need to match your arousal peak for peak, and allows us to relax, which makes reaching orgasm that much easier. Two: because if you're going to roll over and slip into "snoresville" right after you cum, we will be left hanging, and honestly guys, this is the equivalent of "Blue Balling" your lady. It's not fun for you when this happens, and it is definitely not fun for us. Remember, ladies first!

#10 Knowledge is power

Above all, strive to know your partner's body. Learn what turns her on, what heats her up, and what sets her off like a 4th of July fireworks explosion! This comes with time, which is one thing that can make couplehood so sexy, as you will gain a more intricate map of your partner's sexual pleasure map over time with each experience.

Have fun my fellow sexplorers, and play safe! Want more tips and tricks on the allusive female orgasm? Contact Portia Blush below or give us a quick e-mail at reply@getlusty.com. We'd love to hear from you!

The topic of 'manhood' is one that obviously has gotten people talking. That's why we're excited this article is featured in the 'Best of November'. Getting a conversation around gender norms and sexuality is absolutely wonderful for us. Think about it: your identity and self-love are essential to your sexual identity. Feeling confident and wonderful about you makes your partner feel sexy, too.

Many of the ladies at the office have agreed--we've all thought and talked about, 'real' men. We've talked about, 'real' men like we're not in control of our social norms. Most of us are more than familiar with gender stereotypes as they are applied to women. But we usually don't put too much thought into how men are stereotyped. What does it mean to be a, "real" man, anyway? Marc Ellis of Sexual Candor, inspired by Charlie Glickman, explores the social pressures of manhood and some inspiration for us to think of manhood with a grain of salt.

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The 'Act-Like-A-Man' Box

I was first exposed to the concept of the “act-like-a-man box” two years ago through an article by Charlie Glickman and a TED talk that I came across in the same month. While the term was new, the concept was not; as I had been living in that box from pre-adolescence to earlier that year when I took my first steps outside of it.

If you are not familiar with the “act-like-a-man box,” it’s a description of the narrow range in which masculinity is defined and the social pressure that men face to conform to it. As men, many of us find that we willingly stepped inside of that box, learning to perform masculinity to avoid the shame or fear of being labeled as less of a man, a homosexual, or a woman (and that linkage of misogyny and homophobia is another blog post to write). If you are new to the concept of the act-like-a-man box, take a few minutes to read Charlie Glickman’s, "Picking and Choosing from the 'Act Like a Man Box'" or The Performance of Masculinity who can explain it far better than myself, and listen to Tony Porter’s A Call to Men.

Before coming across the idea of the man box, I had been far more familiar with the gender stereotypes that are placed on women. Growing up in the 1970's we saw a clear distinction between male professions (doctor, lawyer, mechanic, etc.) and female professions (nurse, secretary, teacher). Girls were discouraged from playing sports or being seen as a ‘tomboy.’

Over the years, I have seen this largely change, with women now free to aspire to any profession, dress how they want, take on what were traditionally feminine or masculine behaviors, or even experiment sexually with another woman without being labeled for it. While I understand that women continue to face negative social pressures, such as slut-shaming, and gender discrimination in numerous ways; femininity can now be expressed in a fairly wide range, much more so than the rigidity that is masculinity.

Be a man

As a young boy I was told by my father that boys don’t cry, and he threatened me with violence when I did, as it is only through physical pain that there may be an excuse for tears. I was discouraged from showing emotion and learned quickly to hide it. Without having a word for it, I retreated into the man box. As I grew older I found more parts of myself that did not fit inside that box. My emotions were more complicated than a man’s should be, so they were hid from others. Sometimes I would cry from ‘feelings’, the tears wiped dry before they could be seen.

As I matured sexually, I had thoughts of sexual submission that spoke to a vulnerability I did not understand, so they were kept to masturbatory fantasy. Worse of all, in addition to my primary interest in women, I had thoughts of being sexual with a man. This is something that certainly did not belong in the box and was quickly repressed. When I began to have sex, I found that I desired a more varied sexual experience that extended to more than my penis, but was not able to communicate this as my request could be seen as unmanly. As Charlie Glickman points out, “since the logic of the box is an either/or, you’re either all the way in or you’re all the way out,” and I was determined to stay in.

The following image of the “Act-Like-a-Man” is from an article written by Paul Kivel and shows what is expected inside the man box (left and right sides of the gray box), what keeps man inside the box (the words and actions on either side of the grey), and in the center – the emotions a man is left with by being inside that box.

Repression and Shame

I spent most of my life living with this shame and repression around my emotions and sexuality. Had I been gay, I believe I would have been able to stand up for who I was.

But as a predominantly heterosexual man who looked the part, I shut down those problematic parts of myself instead. I married young, had children young, and focused on work, not dealing with the disconnect I felt between who I knew myself to be and how I allowed myself to be seen. This disconnect with my emotions, my desire for vulnerability, the intimacy it allows for, and the shame associated with sexual desires continued to grow. The repression was not working. Given time, desire grows stronger than shame. I felt isolated, confused, and grew resentful and angry. Keeping myself inside that box was damaging myself and destroying my marriage.

Stepping out of the box

It was my exposure to ‘sex-positive’ podcasts that cracked that box open. Specifically, it was Dan Savage’s podcast where I listened to hundreds of people leave their questions that I finally understood the tremendous diversity in who we are sexually, and the amazing commonality in our desire to hear that we are ‘normal’. I discovered that my problems were not unique. So many of us feel isolated, even when partnered; looking to be fulfilled and accepted for who we truly are.

Through a growing list of podcasts, I began to get in touch with what I wanted. As I worked to accept myself, I began to seek out advice on how to restore my marriage which has long suffered a break-down in communication. While I found advice on dealing with a spouse that did not communicate, where intimacy was lacking, and there was a desire for vulnerability and sexual satisfaction; nearly all of this advice was written for a woman.

After all of the work I did, to take these initial steps out of this box, I came close to retreating back inside when the advice I sought basically called me a woman for wanting intimacy, communication, and sexual satisfaction. Eventually I laughed this off and worked up the courage to take the biggest risk I felt I could take - to face extreme vulnerability, and put it all out there – to tell my wife what I wanted for myself and for us.

While this may have been the scariest thing I had done, it was also the most liberating. While the conversation and its immediate aftermath did not go great, it was far better than my worst fears imagined. Eventually we began talking about my needs for communication and intimacy, my sexual needs from her, and my interest in exploring bisexuality.

While I had long struggled with these desires, this was new to her and I had to be patient. Through these conversations, we set down this new path to open up to one another, to better understand our own needs and what we need from one another. While this is still a work in progress, the open and honest communication that came from these conversations brought us much closer than we had been in many years. Taking that risk was the best thing I ever did, and while I regret that I allowed myself to waste so many years defined by a box based on social pressure, I am grateful that I arrived at a place where I could be honest with myself and with my wife about who I am and what I need.

Marc Ellis overcame years of shame and repression to find acceptance and joy, embracing his sexuality and sharing it with his wife of 20 years. Together they are opening up to new experiences. Fascinated by the truths of sex and sexuality, Marc has been writing about his experiences with exploring bisexuality, kink, and ethical non-monogamy with the hope of helping others struggling with repressed desire. Marc blogs at sexualcandor.com and can be found at twitter @sexualcandor.

Keeping happy and healthy relationships takes time and effort. They certainly don't fall out of the sky. In many romantic movies, there is almost always a, "happy ending". You might tear up, wishing that your relationship was that romantic and sweet. Well, real relationships have ups and downs. They're not like the movies. Then again, love can be re-kindled and certainly can be re-ignited. So what does it take to maintain your love throughout the years? We'll have more articles on this topic, but re-connecting is an essential component to that. Here, Crimson Love reports on ways to re-connect for more love.

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Your relationship can be romantic and loving. In fact, your relationship should be amazing. At GetLusty, we believe if you put in effort, you too, can have an amazing sexual relationship! We also know you're busy. But daily or weekly, we've included several clear ways to re-connect and re-ignite your sparks around the love you both have for each other. Keep your relationship special. Re-connect! Read on.

1. Designate cuddle time

It may seem a little elementary for a couple to cuddle, but don't underestimate this activity. Turn off your phones and don't allow yourselves to be interrupted.

Taking the time to lay or sit together and cuddle allows you time to relax and reconnect both emotionally and physically.

Be fully present in the moment and take it all in, smell them, feel them, listen to them. There is no better place to be than to be in the arms of your lover.

2. Take a shower or bath together

Taking a shower or bath is a very intimate act in general, but doing it with your lover it makes it all the more special and intimate. Doing this allows you to see your lover in their most raw form and enjoy them in that way. Wash each other, shampoo your lovers' hair, take your time and don't rush. By doing this, you show your loved one your appreciation and care for them. Sometimes, you both want and need that boost and you don't even know it!

3. Cook together

Food is always a sensual experience when done right. Decide on a meal together, go to the store together if you can. Get in the kitchen, put on some music, drink some wine, feed each other and enjoy the time. Just have fun and catch up with each other.

When life gets busy, sometimes you have to be reminded to take time out with your honey and enjoy each others company. Give yourself the opportunity to fall in love or discover new things about each other. It keeps the relationship fresh and sweet.

With love from GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

I've been inundated with sexy Halloween costumes. For women mostly. But how about a sexy costume for couples? Loving couples are the most wonderful thing in the world to GetLusty! So if you're a couple and you have no idea what to wear for Halloween--check out these ideas! Portia Blush, our favorite contributor and producer of the ErogenoUS Blog, is here to give us sexy ideas for Halloween that we can both use!

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The day is almost here when we get to walk out our doors scantily clad, free from judgement, and don our alter egos for a night of fun and frolic without. No, it's not your friend's bachelorette party, I'm talking about Halloween of course! It seems in recent years Halloween has become synonymous with "sexy".

Everywhere you look, costume choices for us ladies seem to be short, tight, and definitely not for the shy, featuring super-low necklines, and ultra-high heels. And while it may seem that we ladies have this niche market reserved just for ourselves, there are just as many options for you men out there who want to flaunt your wilder side, too! I'm here to share with you 10 sexy costumes for men and women that will have all eyes on you, and all hands wish they were too!

#1 Gangster and Dame

They're dangerous and alluring, which is exactly what makes them sexy! This is proof that you don't have to be almost naked to have sex appeal. Nothing beats a man in a well-tailored suit, necktie, suspenders, and a fedora!

It just creates an aura of suaveness and sophistication; the kind that has us ladies running our fingers through our hair with wanton restrained desire. And ladies, nothing says that more to a man than a satin clad dame on his arm. Think Jessica Rabbit, or Marilyn Monroe; long curve-hugging dress, curled hair draped down her back, long elbow length gloves, and perched atop slender high heels. Yes, glamour.

#2 Police Officers - Partners in Crime

Who can resist a man or woman in uniform? Add some handcuffs, some boots that command attention, and a badge, and you'll have them waiving their right to remain silent in no time!

#3 Pirate and Wench

Prepare to be boarded! Pirates offer an air of mystique and danger. They were the original "bad boys", taking the high seas by storm, in leather pants and flowing open shirts. Think Captain Jack Sparrow and Miss Swan. They be a right sexy pair, matey! Ladies, a tight corset and pert breasts overflowing your bodice will have your pirate Captain begging you to walk his plank!

#4 Mad Men Theme - Don Draper and Betty

This show is incredibly popular for a reason. It literally sells an era where sexual tensions were running high, but hem lines were still hovering low. It has the allure and class, of a period in time where men were impeccable in well-tailored suits, cigar in hand, and women in demur yet flirty dresses or tight-fitting sweaters and pencil skirts, and were never without makeup. Recreate that power and intrigue, and watch the sexual tensions (among other things) rise!

#5 Vampires

You're probably thinking the gross ones with blood dripping, and going "Eww, not sexy", but vampires can be! Vampires are popular for a reason, and it's because they are sexy, alluring, and dangerous. They make us fear seduction, and crave it; all at once. Think the original meaning of Gothic; rich dark-colored velvets, draping shirts, tall boots, dark makeup, and just a hint of blood on the lips. Give yourself over to the dark side, and have fun seducing the night away!

#6 Cowboy and Cowgirl

Be that rough and rugged man of her dreams, guys! Ladies, be the sweet, yet sultry vixen that came tame the wild stallion he is. The Wild West wasn't called that for nothing! Saddle up to some fun this Halloween, and lasso yourself some fun!

#7 Doctor and Nurse

It's an ultra-popular fantasy for a reason. There is just something damn sexy about a man, or woman, who knows all the right things to make you feel better! Ladies need not be the only sexy ones here either! While nothing stops hearts more like a short and tight nurses uniform, a man in scrubs with a stethoscope (and nothing else), just makes a woman feel weak in the knees! Temperatures will rise and hearts will stop when you come dressed to heal, so be prepared to give lots of mouth to mouth!

#8 Julius Caesar and Cleopatra

Timeless and classic, and not to mention sexy as hell! An Egyptian Queen; beautiful, regal, and captivating, and a Roman soldier; brave, strong, and powerful. This is what good sexual tension is made from! Not to mention long flowing gowns and well-fitting armor! Rule the night by becoming these legendary loves!

#9 Tarzan and Jane

Love and sex are primal, so show your jungle fever as untamed jungle man, Tarzan, and damsel in distress, Jane! Men, let your wild side show in a loin cloth with your hair untamed! Ladies, let your wild mane of hair flow, and wear that skimpy leopard print bikini and wrap! Let your inner-lion roar!

#10 Superheros

It's the dance between good and evil that makes super heroes so fascinating to us. And maybe their tight suits, right ladies? You're sure to have the whole world's eyes on you both, whether you go as Batman and Cat Woman, dancing the line between control and surrender, light and dark. Or as Superman and his love, Lois Lane; saving the world, and his damsel, one heroic act at a time. Timeless love stories of heroism, combined with super sexy skin-tight costumes, are definitely sure to heave everyone wishing you could leap tall buildings in a single bound, and save them!

May your sexy Halloween costume romping have you doing so long after the party ends, and your costumes come off! Stay sexy, and as always, have fun!

We've talked so much about ladies orgasming, but what about for the male perspective? Are multiple orgasms even possible for gents? We wanted to find out. So, of course, we did our homework with diligent research and are here to present you the results! We'll be addressing more issues around orgasm for men throughout the month, so do stay tuned! Our interested intern Brendan White reports.

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There are plenty of articles out there with regard to female orgasms but what's out there for us guys? Convinced your man is a one-trick pony? WRONG! Men's orgasms are not simply the discharge of DNA. As part of Orgasm October, I'll be talking about the male multiple orgasm!

Oh yes, multiple orgasms are possible!

It is possible for every man to experience multiple male orgasms. Understanding multiple male orgasms can only improve pleasure for both partners in lovemaking, not to mention the health benefits of orgasms. However, unlocking the ability to have multiple orgasms requires determination, practice and a lot of hard work.

Orgasm ≠ ejaculation

At the eye of the male multi-orgasm hurricane is the misconception that men orgasm and ejaculate at the same time. If that sounds like something you believe, quit it. Throw it out of your brain and make room for this: ejaculation can happen several seconds after an orgasm. A man can also orgasm without ejaculation - they don't have to go hand in hand. Some men may have additional orgasms without accompanying ejaculations. The key is to reach an orgasm and to flex the good ole pubococcygeus muscle (or the PC muscle) before ejaculation for long enough to settle down, allowing you to feel the pleasure of an orgasm without softening up.

Use those PC muscles

The PC muscle stretches from the pubic bone to the tail bone like a hammock. You can improve the strength of your PC muscle through Kegel exercises.

Strengthen your muscles with exercise

Named after our friend Dr. Arnold Kegel, these exercises consist of voluntarily flexing your PC muscle (think that pulling feeling you feel if you try to stop urinating) while keeping your buttock and leg muscles relaxed. These exercises also help prevent male urinary incontinence, fight erectile dysfunction, reduce premature ejaculation AND increase the size and intensity of erections!

The great thing about this exercise is that you can do it anywhere you damn well please - stuck in traffic, talking to your mother, putt-putt golfing, pretending to do work in your office - you get the idea. The key, like any kind of muscle building, is to isolate the muscle. If your testicles and penis are rising a little, you're flexing your PC muscle, but try to relax and not squeeze your sphincter.

A weak PC muscle will be a hindrance in your quest to experience the male multiple orgasm because you'll need a strong PC muscle to prevent your penis from ejaculating after orgasming. Building up enough strength in your PC muscle will not happen in one frenzied night of binge pubococcygeus flexing - it will take several weeks to several months before you will be ready. The key is persistence. Think of yourself like a shaolin monk of sorts slowing punching through a wall.

Exercise.
Then practice.
Then exercise.
Continue the process! Practice makes perfect!

The ideal amount of reps will be between 10-20 reps a few times a day. It's important to not rush yourself to avoid injury. After a week or two you should notice that you're completing your kegel training with more and more ease. When you reach this point, start holding the flexed PC muscle several seconds at a time during the reps. Before you know it you'll be exploring the realm of multiple male orgasms!

Keep checking GetLusty for Couples for more helpful and informative articles during Orgasm October!

This article is by Business Outreach Intern and occasionally writer. Brendan White. Brendan is a Boston University graduate with a passion for all things historical and also all things sex. A recent Boston transplant to Chicago, Brendan has a musical mind and at one point toured the country. When he's not thinking about conquering feudal japan chances are he's playing loud rock n roll somewhere with other like-minded individuals. When he's not thinking about GetLusty he's spending time with his exceptionally lovely girlfriend. Want to get in touch with him? E-mail Brendan at brendan@getlusty.com.

When you're full of turkey, you're probably thinking no sex is possible right now. No, no. This is the perfect time for a little kink. Your stomach is full, you're just about to fall asleep. And then crack. Their hand hits your rear end and you perk up quicker than a V8 engine. Just because 50 Shades of Grey September came to a close doesn't mean you haven't stopped thinking about BDSM. Haven't experimented yet? The well acclaimed submissive & BDSM sex nerd Lilly Rose is here to talk about getting started with BDSM. Make sure to read the sexual negotiation article, as well as the dominant and submissive traits articles, too!

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Without ado, Lilly Rose delves into getting started with BDSM for newbies. Not sure how to start off? Try these things first!

#1 Be honest

Know what you want and know what your play partner's beliefs are. Have honest and open discussions. In BDSM it is absolutely necessary, for safety reasons, to be upfront about everything.

#2 Embrace your fetishes

Do you like to be teased with a feather? Do you like the idea of being tied up? Do you like the thought of being punished with a spanking? Those are your fetishes, now embrace them! Now for you doms out there: if you like doing the spanking and teasing, then get yourself a sub and go to town!

#3 Negotiate

Negotiation is crucial to having some safe BDSM playtime. Sit down with your dom or sub and discuss your limits, your safe word, safe action and aftercare. Make a list and if needed, negotiate changes later. Remember, be honest and open about everything.

#4 Know your limits and create a safe word

Hard limits - Things that must not be done. If a dom tries to push you into something you are not comfortable with, set him straight or move on.

Soft limits - Things you are not quite sure about doing in that moment but could agree to later.

Safe word - The word you utter when you absolutely want the play to end. “No” doesn’t cut it. So another word is absolutely necessary to let your dom know when to stop.

Safe action - The action used when your safe word is unavailable and want to stop play. You need a safe action for times you can't use your safe word, i.e. gagging.

#5 Aftercare

Let’s talk about aftercare. Aftercare is crucial! Aftercare is your dom or play partner checking in on you and making sure you are alright after a scene. This may range from putting ointment on your butt after a paddling to cuddling. It is really important that he or she asks if anything upset you, especially if something made you feel unexpectedly uncomfortable during a scene. This may happen with even the best planning and the best dom. That is why aftercare must always be done!

Feeling good is the ultimate goal of any kind of BDSM play! But as in all sub/dom relationships, trust has to be built up before any kind of intense play. This takes time. You are not going to be jumping into that dungeon right away and being beaten with a belt. That would be foolish for a beginner. Never rush into a relationship with a dom in the BDSM world.

#6 Be safe

Most of all, and I can’t stress this enough, if you want to try BDSM you have to be safe. You should always use a condom and do your research beforehand. BDSM is about testing your limits and going beyond the edge. The more you know about your fetish, the safer you will be going into actualizing it.

Lilly Rose was a kink blogger, geeky Ivy League graduate activist and lover of great doms. Lilly recently completed @letitlingeron and just recently ended her blog into the journey of the world of kink. Lily also writes for Mindchaotica and Evolvedworld, and her Erotica (fiction and non-fiction) can be found at Literotica.

This is another guest post by our UK-based Sara Albaladejo. She's passionate about sex and relationships, and has seen many of these mistakes by men recently. We've definitely seen these happen to good men. Don't be a victim to these mistakes. Read on!

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We love our men. We love them on top, under or behind. We love the way they make us feel sexy, their compliments and the nose/forehead kiss. They try hard to please us, and more than often they hit all the right spots. Unfortunately, sometimes they don’t. Those who care end up feeling discouraged and defeated and those who don’t leave a woman unsatisfied.

For both our male readers and for the women willing to point the right way to their lovers, we have brought five mistakes men should avoid doing.

Before sex

Problem #1: Way too much hair

We like it trimmed as much as you do. Again, this is a matter of health and hygiene, but also of making things easier. The more skin you leave for her to explore, the more pleasure she can give you. She won’t be worried about suffocating and you will feel her touch all over.

Keeping up with your facial grooming, too. If your beard is the perfect impression of Tom Hanks in Cast Away, you may want to think about it twice. However, you can take advantage of your facial hair by rubbing it gently against her skin and create a pleasant new sensation. Watch out though, you don't want to sand down her nipples, and for some us with sensitive skin, it can cause annoying rashes.

Remedy: Trim

Keep your shaver handy and don't be afraid of using it down there, you will be surprised of the difference it makes! Keeping your dick area trimmed and tidy is good for several reasons. First, you'll feel more sensations. Second, your lovely cock will look even bigger and harder for your significant other.

Problem #2: Falling back on promises

You want her melting like a chocolate bar in the middle of the Sahara. The best thing to do to get her in the mood through the whole day: send her naughty texts or emails, allowing her imagination to go wild. If you can do this, you will be a really lucky man by the time she gets home. As long as you remember what you started at 10 am. You don't remember saying you want to make sweet, sweet love to me this evening? :(

Remedy: Put out the fire you start

Make sure that your day isn’t going to be the busiest and that you will get home rested enough to enjoy a good riding with your lady. If you are of the kind that always forgets stick a post-it or set an alarm, it will remind you of the good things waiting for you!

During sex

Problem #3: Dry humping

We like the teasing of the rubbing with clothes on, the delay before the skin-to-skin contact. To start the build-up of her orgasm it can be a great idea to touch her with her panties still on. However, jerking them around and giving your girl a wedgie isn’t pleasure, it hurts. Dry humping has its place, however, we recommend taking close off gently and lovingly for a better sexual experience. You know, because it works better that way.

Remedy: Undress lovingly

What I love? When my partner and I work together to undress each other. Either slowly or quickly, it's all about the intention. If you care about the experience, make sure you're thinking about yourself first. Do I feel great right now? Am I uncomfortable? Then, make your lover feel loved. Kiss them, caress them and note how gorgeous she is.

Problem #4: Taking over

Men, have you ever felt that the responsibility of a good shag depends entirely on you? Women who enjoy their sexuality and having sex will want to be part of it as well. However, not all of us are confident enough to show our desire without your help, encourage your lover to explore your body and become more adventurous. Taking control is lovely, but sometimes can you give us a little?

Remedy: Lose control

Let yourself enjoy giving up the lead for a while, let us play. The only bad that could come of it is that she might have free reign of what you do. Does that make you afraid to loose control? It definitely makes sense, but don't let that get in the way of expanding your sexual horizons and having better sex!

After sex

Problem #5: Saying yes when you mean no

Saying that women don't like sex as much as men isn't always true. Sometimes men aren't in the mood, too. Desire doesn't depend on your gender, I have seen totally able males rejecting sex without winking and women who aren’t satisfied with just having sex three times a week. It is something that shifts upon the person and their circumstances and has to be handled as such.

Remedy: Give yourself a break

Sometimes a man doesn't want to have sex. Since it takes two to tango, men should tell their significant others what they're feeling. Don't be ashamed if you aren't in the mood for sex. Tell us women why you're not interested in having sex. Give yourselves a break. Maybe you should kick your kids out for a weekend and enjoy some uninterrupted intimacy. We women also need to give men a break if they aren't in the mood. How about masturbating instead? He can watch, too!

Thanks to Woman Around Town for pic #1. Thanks to oplife for pic #2. Thanks Huffington Post for pic #2.

Sara is our resident, sexy British-Spanish writer. After finishing high school she followed the family tradition of becoming a teacher, and graduated as a Foreign Language Primary Teacher in 2011. Since then she has been living in the UK, where she copes with the British weather reading erotic stories with her loving boyfriend. She is passionate about writing and was awarded various contests in Spain (where she was born) and has also been recognized one of the best writers of her age in her region in 2010. She loves taking her camera out whenever she can, as photography is another of her hobbies.

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