How to Avoid Fights Through Negotiation

The holiday season can be bittersweet. Couples spend a lot of money on Christmas (an average of $271 per child member, for example). Time spent with family and other issues can result in arguments. Don't get us wrong. Every couple argues. In fact, arguing can be very healthy for a relationship. But how to communicate effective--argue better--is really the key. Drs. Chuck and Jo Ann Bird are sexologists and counselors so they know a thing or two about effective communication in the context of couples. Want to communicate better with your partner? Read on.

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Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.

But knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it? The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.

That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation. To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis, however, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:

#1 First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.

#2 Be clear and state what you want.

#3 Focus your request on behavior changes.

#4 Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.

#5 Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.

#6 Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.

#7 Honor the agreement.

Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:

Not using negotiation:

Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”

Using basic negotiation:

Husband: "I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”

Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?

Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”

The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.

All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can leading to solving the dispute instead of escalating it to become a bigger one.

If you think you’d like to learn more about these kinds of communication skills, please contact us and we can “negotiate” a consultation.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”. They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Why Straight Couples Should Support Marriage Equality in Illinois

How right is marriage equality? The fact that not all of the loving and consensually passionate couples out there aren't able to commit to one another. To put it simple: the legislation is outdated and needs to be revised. Thank goodness now, 9 states have legalized gay marriage so far. We at GetLusty think that's not enough.

But new news! Marriage equality is getting closer with the upcoming vote on Illinois legislation that could make IL number 10! According to the Chicago Phoenix, though, "A coalition of lawmakers, activists and organizations backing a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in Illinois announced Thursday that despite intense efforts to pass the legislation in the lame duck session of the current General Assembly, a full vote on the bill may not happen." Activists in Springfield, including Anthony Martinez, Executive Director at The Civil Rights Agenda are still very hopeful. Again, according to the Chicago Phoenix, Anthony notes, “As I said before, legislation always meets bumps on the road; these things can turn on a dime.”

We've noted before that we support marriage equality. And because we've seen this image in support of marriage equality floating around the interwebs (including on our Pinterest page), we thought we'd share. It explains why loving straight couples should support loving gay couples in their right for marriage. Through food! Do you believe in marriage equality, too? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below! Want to find and share our pin from Pinterest? Check out the pin from Pinterest here!

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The High Price of Marriage Inequality (Infographic)

How wrong is marriage inequality? The fact that not all of the loving and consensually passionate couples out there aren't able to commit to one another. To put it simple: the legislation is outdated and needs to be revised. Thank goodness now, 9 states have legalized gay marriage so far. We at GetLusty think that's not enough. 

We've noted before that we support marriage equality. Besides the usual social reasons, maybe we could all use some economic reasons? What about the economic reasoning why loving gay couples should be able to have the same rights as heterosexual couples? Thank goodness--we were digging on Pinterest and we found an infographic describing the situation.

So, in GetLusty for Couples fashion, we had to share it! Do you believe in marriage equality, too? We'd love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below! Want to find and share our pin from Pinterest? Check out the pin from Pinterest here!

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Is Your Relationship Really Ready for Polyamory?

So we just jumped straight into polyswinging and then polyamory. It's going to keep popping up, of course. Why? We're all about exploring ways to make your relationship better. Polyamory might be it? You never know. O.M. Grey, a knowledgeable polyamory writer and prolific blogger, talks about the characteristics of a polyamorists. Is your relationship ready for polyamory? O.M. Grey explains more. Read on!

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I’ve learned so  much in the past two years. And I’m going to share it with you without holding back. Not even a little bit. This is “my truth,” as the new-agey, responsibility-avoiding people like to say.

My husband and I have been polyamorous for about seven years. Although, I suppose the first few were much more about being a non-descript form of an open marriage since we weren’t seeking multiple, committed, loving relationships. The theory behind our lifestyle is what I’ve said again and again: Love breeds love and desire breeds desire. Any encounter we had outside our marriage during those first few years were very open and the intentions on both sides were very, very clear.

When we moved into practicing polyamory (seeking out another committed, loving relationship) I learned not everyone has the same definition of polyamory as us. Well, as those people who are successfully practicing a polyamory lifestyle do.

So let's take apart, "poly" and "amory" to understand better.

What is poly?

Most people who love to call themselves (and hide behind) “poly” are really focused on quantity rather than quality. Alright. I can have more than one girlfriend/lover. So, I’m going to have three! Because, let’s see... I’ve never been able to make a relationship with one woman work long term, so I’m going to try with three! That’s the ticket! That’s the answer! That’s where I’ve been going wrong for the past 15 years!

Most people I’ve met in the Austin poly community are not practicing polyamory. They’re dating. They go from several short-term relationships to several short-term relationships, none lasting more than 3-6 months. Hello! Not polyamory! That’s dating! And not dating very successfully because they keep ending!

Also in the Austin, poly community are several truly polyamorous families. They are what’s known as the “core group.” One of them even call themselves the polypod, and I think that’s rather adorable. The polypod, from what I’ve seen (and I’ve only seen them from a distance), as well as the few other multi-relationship groups who I know a little better and I’d consider friends, are doing it well. And by well, I mean successfully. They are open, honest, respectful, loving and supportive. They commit and invest in their relationships.

They might have casual sex on the side from time to time, but it’s after their current relationships are firmly established and secure. Because, after all, it’s about more love… not more sex. And the few times you need to fulfill that biological need with someone different, then be honest about that. Never lie to get laid. How disgusting.


What about 'amory' or love?

The most successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen focus much more on the “amorous” part of the word, less on the “poly” part. It’s about love! It’s all about love! Relationships take effort, investment, time and energy to solidify. If you claim to be poly, think about this: If you want to be poly, think about this:

Take. One. Relationship. At. A. Time.

When your first relationship has a solid foundation (and I mean SOLID foundation), the kind that takes at least a year, if not more, to establish, then look for a second one. This is not a race to see who can have the biggest harem. And, by the way, if you’re building a harem. YOU’RE NOT POLY! You’re a misogynist and a predator who sees women as life support systems for their pussies.

How to become polyamorous 

Romantic relationships contain drama (how I’ve come to loathe that word). It’s built in. Everyone has their insecurities and their baggage. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. It takes time to build a solid foundation and learn how to communicate with each other. Build trust. Establish and maintain intimacy. Minimize and handle inevitable conflicts. Ease through misunderstandings. Manage fears and insecurities on both side. Get to a level of comfort and security in yourselves and each other.

Then, open up to dating others. I’m not talking about casual sex unless that’s specifically what you’re looking for. If it is, be very up front about that. Because polyamory means multiple, loving, committed relationships, or the pursuit thereof. Set clearly defined rules and don’t break them, or that will damage the trust you just spent a year building. Once you meet someone you think you can form a deeper relationship with, close off dating others. Focus on solidifying that second relationship while maintaining the first for another year!

Insecurities will pop up. Jealousies (and yes, they don’t magically disappear when you label yourself polyamorous) and misunderstandings will arise.

Give yourself time to learn about, develop, and nurture this other love. Commit yourself to making it work, for, again (and I repeat myself so much because so many people just don’t get it).
  
Healthy relationships require effort, investment and responsibility!

After the second relationship is solidified and the first is stronger than before, and you still have extra time/needs that aren’t being met, then look for a third relationship. But always remember, finding another significant other isn’t about finding someone better, it’s about increasing the love and the desire among your own little polypod. It’s about ensuring that everyone you love feels loved, not ignored or pushed to the side or replaced.

It’s about more love. Always, more love.

If you don’t have time/energy/capacity to manage, maintain, nurture, and grow one or two relationships, plus your job, plus your kids, plus time for yourself and your friends – why do you want another? It’s a recipe for disaster and heartache on many levels. You don’t date someone for three months and say, “Okay, ‘primary’ – check. We’re ‘solid,’ so who’s next?”

Fuck that. You’re not solid after three months. You’re barely starting. And if you run at the first sign of struggle, then, guess what, you're not a poly! If you find yourself saying “I want to be able to do what I want when I want, without responsibility or accountability,” then you’re not poly. You’re selfish.

The last two years have been difficult, as you all have seen from reading this blog, especially the past few months. Do you really think my marriage could’ve survived (let alone thrived and gotten stronger) if it hadn’t been quite literally unshakable?

And for those of you looking for you 100%-genuinely-happy-all-the-time-easy-no-drama-or-responsibility-perfect love? Grow the fuck up. There is no such thing. When you are a perfect partner, you’ll find your fairy tale perfect love. And let me tell you, mister, you’ve got a long fucking way to go. I guess the anger portion of the grieving has set in. It’s about fucking time.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. The original post can be found on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

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5 Reasons You Should Date (Your Spouse)

Dating, initially it's the relationship version of an audition. You go on dates to see how well your potential partner does in the reality show of life. However, if you have been in a relationship for a while and live together or are married dating is a way of keeping things fresh and interesting. To kick off our three part series on dating, let us present to you part one. Our list of five dating benefits. GetLusty's Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Keeps things fresh

Even though you have been in a relationship with someone for a while that doesn't mean that you don't need to or shouldn't date. Dating your lover keeps your relationship fresh.

You are both taking time to go out, get dressed up and enjoy being with each other. Doing things outside of your normal routine will add some excitement and give you the chance to fall in love again especially if you get creative!

#2 Exercising compromise 

Compromise is a fundamental aspect of relationships that we often forget. When it comes to planning a date with your love, you exercise your compromising skills often. Going on a date is a give and take that symbolizes many other areas of your romance. While planning can get tough (Honey, why you don't like hip lounges, anymore?) the proof is in the pudding. Come to an agreement on where to go, what to do, and what time and have a fabulous time.

#3 Learn about your love

Dating can also put you in the perfect position to learn more about your lover. Think you know your lover better than anyone else? Go on a date and do something new together and you will learn new things about your lover you never expected.

#4 Bond

It may seem like a no brainer but don't overlook this or take this for granted. Putting yourselves in a new situation like doing a new activity can bring you and your lover closer.

 You are both learning and doing something new and in the experience that you share you bond. Over time it's easy to grow apart and your relationship become stagnant so don't be afraid to take the time to re-bond.  

#5 Get romantic

Just because you have been dating for a while and you have surpassed your honeymoon phase doesn't mean you can't have romance. Romance is a necessity for relationships. Without that you have a friendship. That's not a bad thing but having romance helps you stay engaged with each other. Romance adds fuel to that burning flame you hold with your lover.

Dating in a long term relationship will help you maintain that solid foundation on which your relationship stands on. Make it a regular part of the time you spend with your  lover and it will surly prolong the life of your relationship.

This is a post by GetLusty writer, Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's in Chicago. She is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at editorial@getlusty.com. 

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Gents! 6 Ways NOT To Ask for Head

Quite a few men offline and online have asked this question. How can I get my partner to give me head? As usual, we're here to help. We understand asking your partner for a blowjob can be tricky. Most importantly, gentlemen, you don't want to appear to be a selfish lover. So for now, let's review the ways not to get a blowjob. GetLusty writer Crimson Love reports.

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#1 Don't be a selfish lover

If you are not willing to go down on your woman, don't even bother asking for a blowjob. Reciprocation is the best way to receive more love. Give and ye shall receive. Start enjoying cunnilingus. Ensuring that your lady comes first is the key to a great sex life. If she isn't orgasming (and you should know this by asking her, for example), how do you expect she's going to be extremely interested in your pleasure? She's worried about how she's going to be able to orgasm--not you! Not to worry, gents. We'll have more on selfish loving soon! And plenty of cunnilingus tips, too. Suffice to say, your goal should be her pleasure!

#2 Give positive feedback

As ladies, we don't enjoy hearing how horrible we are at giving head. Besides, how is that supposed to give me enthusiasm about going down on you? Don't tell her she should blow you because she needs the practice. That might get you a punch in the balls rather than get her to suck them. Instead, try telling her how much you enjoy feeling her mouth on your throbbing penis. That they've been waiting for her wonderful mouth. Tell her she makes you feel so amazing after you know she's been pleasured.


#3 Realize it's a privilege

Receiving head is a privilege. Not a right. So when you demand a blowjob as an expectation because, "that's what women do," you're very wrong. Be positive, and don't be demanding. When I say this, I mean don't act entitled like it's her life's mission to blow you all the time. Be patient. If you think that a blowjob should happen everyday--please tell your partner. Talk to her about it. Unless she's absolutely in love with giving you head, she should be aware of your issue.

#4 Don't compare your lady

If your lady isn't in the mood to give you a blowjob, don't compare her to your ex or an old fling. If you think it will inspire some sort of competition and make her want to do it, you're wrong. It won't and may likely do the opposite. Trying to trump up competition isn't a loving thing to do. Instead, try telling her how amazing it was the last time she did provide you that amazing pleasure of giving you an amazing blowjob. She's amazing! No one can please you like she can. That will get you much closer to getting a blowjob in the future.

#5 Don't coerce

Don't just force her head down there. I am pretty sure that if you do, you won't find her down there again any time soon. We women don't want to feel force or coercion. Why? Well, it provides negative associations moving forward. If she's experienced trauma in the past, you may be heading down a road of therapy--or even just long conversations about boundaries. Be nice and you will receive nice actions back.

#6 Don't get mad

If she refuses after your efforts just let it go and don't get mad. Instead try to figure out why she said no.  Be empathetic. There is likely a good reason why your lady isn't feeling in the mood to go down on you. Maybe she has a negative association. Could you imagine being in her position? If she got mad at you for not going down on her? It'd feel pretty bad.

Keep sex amazing, gents! Be patient, nice and understanding. We'll respond with love and amazing head. If not now--soon!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.
Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

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9 Naked Date Ideas for This Weekend

Autumn is so romantic: the temperature is perfect for cuddling but still nice enough to leave the house, the food is sweet and savory and the entertainment is superb. Though Naked November came and left, that doesn't mean you can't still have a fabulous time naked! What better way to have fun then get naked? GetLusty's Crimson Love reports with ten ideas for having fun and getting naked at the same time!

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Holiday times can be rough. What better way to spend your time together than naked and having a ball?

#1 Naked board game night

Twister, anyone? Pick out your favorite game and make them a little more risqué. Make the stakes higher. For whoever wins, the sexy reward could involve cunnilingus, nipple play or anything else sexy. Ever consider sexy monopoly? Oh, yeah. Twister? Now you're thinking!

#2 Play out the scene to a movie

There is nothing quite like holding onto your partner while playing out a scene from, "The Lord of the Rings"! Is there a scene from a movie you both know so well you re-live it in your heads? Now how about naked? Being nude just makes everything more fun!

#3 Dance party!

Dance parties aren't just for Jersey Shore. This isn't the time to lower your heat. Get your own indoor dance party. Naked! You might even break a sweat. How about a quick shower after that dance party? Who hates showers with your lover? Thought so.

#4 Indoor picnic

How about setting up a warm romantic picnic in the middle of your living room? You don’t even have to put on clothes to leave the house. Rather than a meal, you can re-live the picnic setting. How about Champagne and strawberries? If you really want to get picnic-y, you could also bring in some AstroTurf. Or just some green clothes? Get creative!

#5 Add something to your bed

Get a new set of sheets. This will make your abode feel even warmer and make it even harder to leave. Take Sunday morning cuddles to the next level with satin sheets. Don't tell me that won't feel luxurious and wonderful when you're naked!


#6 Enjoy morning coffee together

Wake up earlier, cuddle, drink coffee and have some sort of pastry, if possible. Coffee in the nude is so much fun! You could also pick up a variety of creamers (Pumpkin spice? Eggnog latte?) and enjoy a little cream!

#7 Write a story together

Not just a story. Something creative. Do either of you paint? Write? Draw? Sit down together and share your passions. If you prefer to not be physically involved with another medium, read something you enjoy and lay together. Being creative while naked can take things to a different level.

#8 Bath time

When it's extra chilly, give your body some love with a bath or shower. Get clean, whip away the negative emotions about your body, and talk positively. How beautiful you are! How wonderful your partner is.

Our friend Bonnie Gayle, of Body Liberator, recommends especially during bath and shower time to love our bodies especially. So give yourself some love and tender attention. And give some of that to your partner, too!

#9 Have a cider date

Want to have a sweet and alcoholic date? Try different types of cider! Get several different flavors and brands to find out your favorite. They go very well with fall foods as well. Naked? Yes, even naked! Obviously, watch out when boiling the cider is the only issue. A little less dangerous than cooking bacon naked (think: oil), boiling liquids while naked is still slightly hazardous.

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

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Problem Ejaculating? Dr. Dick Answers!

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS also known as Dr. Dick. GetLusty loves Dr. Dick! He has been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years. Today, he is here to answer a reader's question about why a man may not be ejaculating during sex, but can ejaculate while masturbating alone.

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Dear Dr. Dick,

We are a happy but frustrated couple looking for advice. I’m a 25 year old male, and my lovely girlfriend is 20.

"I have no problem bringing her to orgasm and pleasing her, but since we’ve been seeing each other I have not been able to cum once. In the past it was always difficult for me to cum during sex. My first time (age 18) my then girlfriend and I went for about three hours before we just gave up. Usually I would have to jerk myself off afterwards, but now I can’t even do that. However if I am alone with porn I am easily able to masturbate and can get off a few times a day. How is it that I can jerk off to pictures that mean nothing to me, but can’t cum for the woman I love the most?

I’ve spoken with a doctor and he said medically there is nothing wrong with my penis. What do you suggest we do? We are really getting frustrated and just want to be able to please each other.

Sincerely,
Dan & Rebecca

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Dear Dan & Rebecca,

Simply put, there’s a difference between the psycho-sexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. Your doctor is right, there’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head, or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant. If I had to guess, I’d say you have a real bad case of performance anxiety. Here’s how this nasty thing works.

Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye until that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter.

My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure.

Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive.

My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity. It looks to me like performance anxiety is putting a damper on your sexual arousal and short-circuiting your sexual response cycle. Get yourself to a sex-positive therapist ASAP! Believe me, this is nothing to fool around with, especially for someone at your tender age.

When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psycho-sexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.

Good luck,
Dr. Dick

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others.

Find Dr. Dick on Twitter @DrDickSexAdvice.

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What Is Sexually 'Normal', Anyway?

Though the Kinsey Institute has multiple points around sexual averages of the American population at large, there are few places to find out about normality. Sometimes all we need is to hear we're normal. That everything is alright; having sex 3 times a week is a great amount of sex! That being dominated can be fun. But what about your normal? What is your normal and how do you make it better?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about ending boring sex. Because sometimes boring sex can become normal. So let's talk about that. What is normal? Do you want normal, anyway? Or do you want extraordinary? Amazing? Eric Amaranth is here to talk about normal. What is it and why it might not matter as much as we think.

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Define "normal"

Sex therapists, educators, and sex life coaches alike all get this question on a weekly basis. People have things in their sex lives that are hot for them, have desires to do things, look at how much sex they’re having and for how long etc. They wonder if where they are or what they’re doing is favorable compared to their neighbors’ sex lives or the collective in general. Sometimes the question pertains to physical characteristics. Anatomy questions aside, I answer: “We first have to define 'normal' and establish for one’s self a decision to have an extraordinary level of satisfaction with one’s sex life.”

Firstly, part of where people’s assumptions are derived is from how your doctor uses the word, “normal.” In this case, it denotes the lack of pathology/illness and proper function of some part of your body or mind. Abnormal. That’s something you hear in test results. We know what that means. Sometimes, but only in a minority of those times, you can use the terms normal and abnormal to categorize a sexual issue. Necrophilia, for example. Yes, definitely mentally abnormal in that doctor’s test sort of serious way. A penis with two heads. Not normal. However, I find in the majority of people’s sex lives, normal and abnormal take on opposite meanings.

One thing that’s very interesting is how often I found myself using the word “normal” during my sessions in reference to my clients’ questions, issues, and goals. A boring sex life? That’s normal. A guy who wants to get into someone’s pants for his pleasure alone and speedy release? Normal. Women who care more about what other women think about their bodies than how sexy their romantic partners think they are — normal. Women faking orgasms and for the same reasons every other woman does: normal. Men that expect great sexual feats from their wives or girlfriends when he’s not willing to reciprocate with learning what to do for her. Yeah, that’s normal.

I call them normal because the issues are so widespread in a great many people’s sex lives everywhere. In other words, to be expected. I can’t call something like a consistently and strongly orgasmic woman abnormal. I can’t call a couple who grow closer through their sex life together not normal. It’s obviously too negative. I call examples like these extraordinary. Everyone loves that word. Most of us want extraordinary things in our lives, but often those wonderful things are also technically not normal. Every time I tell this to clients it brightens their outlook and changes how they use the word “normal” instantly. Another viewpoint, I saw a graphic once that said: “Normal is a cycle on your dishwasher.”

"Normal" varies from person to person

Comparing your sex life to other people’s doesn’t propel a person forward. Crafting your sex life to your taste and customized design does. Start asking instead, “Am I extraordinary?” Then imagine what the extraordinary would be like for you. What would it look like, sound like, feel like? This is the very first step and some of the best free advice I can give to anyone who wants to improve her or his sex life.

Originally posted on Eric Amaranth's blog.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Check out his website, Sex Life Coach NYC. Eric is not a psychology-based “sex therapist,” which is the term that the public uses to refer to every professional in his field, regardless of training background. After graduating from The College of William and Mary, he went on to become the ten-year protege of pioneering sex coach Betty Dodson, PhD.

Eric’s sex life coaching is made for adults. He has knowledge and methodology differences that set him apart from what psychology-based sex therapists have to offer. Eric works with clients from all over the world toward his ambitious goal that his brand of sex life coaching would one day significantly reduce the instances of divorce. Eric lives in New York City, in Manhattan, with his much-loved girlfriend. Find him on Twitter @Eric_Amaranth and subscribe to him on Facebook.

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10 Ways Sex Changes After Kids

At Get Lusty for Couples, we care about all couples and that's why we wanted to bring up the topic of couples with children. We know it can be a tough process to try and raise a family and keep a spicy love life going. However, it is possible and can even change and grow your love life in unexpected ways! A pat on the back to all the parents out there, but don't forget to spread the love with your significant other every chance you get. Eileen Prouffe, a loving wife and mom of three, will talk about the good and the bad of how to keep a lusty relationship going as parents. 

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It's no secret that it can be hard to maintain and nurture a happy and healthy sex life, but add children to the mix and things can get even harder. So below are ten ways sex changes after having children--the good, the bad, and even ways you can get better! Read on.

#1 Finding a place to "do it"

It's hard to be intimate when children are around all the time, but don't be afraid to show love in front of them. It's healthy for children to see their parents happy and in love. If you really are in the mood to get down and dirty then move the kids bedtime a little earlier so you can have more time alone. Don't forget; a happy couple equals a happy family.

#2 Having energy to "do it" 

Sometimes when couples are juggling so much like work, household chores, bills, etc. Having enough energy to perform more physical movements can be difficult, but not impossible. Try to make sure you are both getting enough rest every day and also try turning off the t.v. earlier so you can enjoy each other instead of other people. Give that person by your side most of your attention; they deserve it and so do you.

#3  Negative body image

Pregnancy, stress and weight gain can lead couples to feel less sexy about their bodies which may cause each other to feel a little embarrassed about getting naked and having a passionate moment.  There are two solutions to this problem, and one of them is to get over it (get naked and feel good about it) and just have a good time. It is Naked November after all. More often than not, your partner is not obsessing over your imperfections. If they love you, then they will accept you for who are and who you have become.  Secondly, if body image really is an issue or your partner could lose a few pounds for health reasons, then get your groove on in the bedroom and burn some calories together.

#4 Time factors

Some couples really do want to spend more time together, but really aren't able to due to conflicting work schedules, school or extra curricular activities. This is where couples need to decide what is most important. Some couples look for new jobs with better work hours so they can have time for their loved ones, but that's not always an option. Sometimes it's better for a partner to drop one or two of their activities, or at least invite their partner to join them. This way, they can have a romantic time while doing it. For example, some couples may play a sport together like basketball and they make the effort to fondle each other during the game.  Dating your significant other is essential and definitely improves your relationship.

#5 Loss of interest

Over time, couples can lose interest in each other and get tired of the same old routine.  This is why if couples want to keep their love alive, they need to make the effort!  Relationships and love lives take time and commitment and each of you need to be willing to give a little. Even food can get boring and bland, but if you add a little spice or different flavorings, then it can make a huge difference. Don't do the same thing every time.  Blow job today, doggy-style tomorrow.

It's not all doom and gloom when couples have kids in fact, it can bring them together even more.

#6 Take a break

It's not a bad thing to take a break from your children.  After all, it might help everyone if mom and dad are happy. To add a little more excitement, get a baby sitter and take a getaway.  Check out living social for a weekend getaway that's close by or even sign up for their getaway deals.  Places don't need to be fancy to spark up the love.  A relaxing and private place will work.

#7 Bigger bond

Sometimes people are less open when they are a newer couple or haven't been through many experiences, but having a child and going through it all can cause many couples to open up even more. Women's breast enlarge and that can be a huge turn on for some men and sometimes the love increases because having a child can be a bonding experience. We all feel closer to people when we've been through exciting or memorable experiences with them. Use this bond to improve your sexual relationship!

#8 Opposite effect

While some people may have a dwindling sex life after kids, others may be fully aware of what could happen to their sex life and actually become the opposite. They may realize that it's possible for their partner to become uninterested or bored so, some people begin to whip out the lingerie or the partner starts investing in sexier clothing for their significant other, sex toys or (well-done) porn and the sparks just start flying. Don't be afraid to go for it.


#9 Relax  


The more a person gets to know another person the more they might feel comfortable, and if they see their partner is not comfortable they might offer a massage to get that person into the right state of mind. Knowing what another person needs is an important way to help them get into the state of mind they need to be in order to want to have sex. Draw up a relaxing bath with candles and wine or  make dinner to take a load off the other person. Sometimes it's the little things that matter.  People who have been together for a while usually get this and if they don't, now they can.

#10 Get creative

Let's face it; it's not always easy to have an awesome sex life with children in the house. So some couples have to just get creative and "do it" in the bathroom and lock the door (we have 13 ideas for spots in your apartment to have sex, too!). While this may seem goofy and uncomfortable, it can be pretty amazing having a mirror available or even a shower to jump into together. However it works out doesn't really matter as long as it does work and everyone is happy and satisfied. 

Everyone will not have a perfect sex life, but everyone can have a better one.  If you're willing to invest a little time to do so, it can improve. Children don't have to pull the plug on your love life and you shouldn't let it.  Take action and find the time to take care of business.

Eileen Prouffe is a new GetLusty writer, but has over ten years as a working mom and trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com. 

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Relationship Rough Patches: 3 Ways to Mend

We've all been there. It's been a tough day, week or month. You're on edge and you take it out on your partner. You're at a rough patch in your relationship. That's totally natural and normal in a long-term relationship and indeed any relationship. As they say, "It's not about how well you get along together. It's about how well you get over arguments." The tough times can make or break your relationship. So make sure you work them out. Below, Rachel Colias recommends three ways to mend that rough patch in your relationship.

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I, like probably so many of GetLusty for Couples’ readers, I am involved in a long-term relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost six years now and, as you can imagine, it hasn’t always been smooth sailing. To be with only one person for such a long time can be incredibly hard; people change over the years and so does the direction of a person’s life. When you involve another person intimately into your own life you not only add them to your own baggage, but more often then not take on theirs as well. 

Needless to say I would imagine it is impossible for two, or more, people to be in the same relationship long-term without hitting a few bumps along the way. In the same way toddlers generally go through what’s known as the “terrible twos,” relationships also start becoming especially difficult around three years in. And I’m not talking minor fights, but the point at which two people have to look at each other and decide whether continuing on together is still worth it. 

My boyfriend and I have both reached that point together in our relationship and we came out the other end unscathed. Though at the time it seemed almost impossible, we’ve made it through very rough patches together and learned a few things about each other and ourselves along the way. I hope the points I make and the advice my boyfriend and I gave each other can translate and help you get through your own hard times, because when it’s worth it it’s worth it. 

#1 Communicate

This seems like a fairly obvious relationship factor, but you’d be surprised how hard it is to actually follow through with. When couples start fighting, the communication is one of the first things out the window. You either say the wrong things in the heat of the moment or become so mad that you don’t say anything at all; neither of these tactics are healthy, nor do they feel good when you’re on the receiving end. 

We’ve all thought about saying hurtful things, especially when you know a person so well. It’s easy to say what we know will hurt when we want to hurt someone. But when you love someone you just don’t mean it. Next time when you feel yourself becoming angry and those stinging words rolling around in your head, take a deep breath and refrain from using them. A relationship doesn’t need to be fought with weapons, you don’t actually want to see that person hurt. 

Not saying something isn’t exactly helpful either, though. You don’t want to be malicious, but sometimes there’s something actually on your mind that you need to articulate to your partner. Are you unhappy about a certain way they treat you? Say something! But choose your words carefully. You don’t want to scream “Everything is your fault! I can’t believe you’re stupid enough to do that!” because that does nothing but throw fuel on the fire. What you could say instead is “It hurts me when you [...] and it would mean a lot to me if you stopped.” Communicating how you feel in a productive way that doesn’t have to hurt either party is a great way to make real, positive change in what could be a temporarily rough relationship. Holding how you feel inside for too long results in resentment; you end up blaming the other person for something they might not even know they’re doing and that doesn’t solve anything. 

#2 Spend more time alone together 

One thing my boyfriend and I realized we were both doing was drifting apart once things started getting rough. We spent less and less time together because we were either mad or frustrated about how things were going. We spent so much time drifting that we forgot what brought us together in the first place. The more you distance yourself from the person you want to make things right with, the less right things are going to get. 

Of course, I entirely understand why people would want to separate and how that time could be used by a person to mend themselves. Individual needs and health are vital to healthy relationships. But if both people feel the relationship crisis doesn’t exist within themselves it might be better to try and help mend together. 

Go on dates together, cook dinner together, take a shower or bath together, cuddle up and watch a movie together. There is an endless list of what people can do intimately together and, in the process of doing so, you both might just remember what it was that connected you two in the first place. Nothing helped my boyfriend and I fix up our relationship quite like getting away from the responsibilities of school and work and just laughing and relaxing together again. 

#3 Forgive

We’ve all done stupid things before. We’ve all made our significant other jealous by spending too much time with someone else, or said hurtful things, or unjustly blamed our significant other for our own problems. We’re all only human. But if what’s been said or done isn’t harmful enough for people to want to split up, then they need to move on. The lingering of guilty tension or making of passive aggressive remarks doesn’t help anyone and only reiterates the fact that you or your other has not in fact forgiven each other. 

If both, or all, are willing to truly let something go and forgive one another for a transgression then the relationship can continue in a much healthier way. Carrying around unnecessary baggage, such as resentment, only hurts all parties. 

These three exercises helped my boyfriend and I get through a lot when we feared the worst, but all relationships are different. If you’ve had a different experience pushing through a rough patch comment about what helped below!

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication. 

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! Email her at editorial@getlusty.com

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Creating Your Sexiest Bedroom: Do's and Don'ts

An amazing sexual relationship is, of course, created with the five pillars of an amazing relationship. But if your bedroom is keeping your sex life from moving you to the next level, consider moving furniture around. At GetLusty, we care about the feng shui of your bedroom. Why? It represents you! Here are a few tips from sex therapy and relationship counselors Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird tell you about creating the right bedroom atmosphere for great sex!

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Creating a love nest is very important. But sadly, the boudoir is sometimes overlooked and severely neglected. When thinking about your bedroom, is it a place you can relax and unwind? Do you want to spend time in there? Is it romantic? Or is your bedroom a place you want to avoid? Is it cluttered or filled with work?

Think about it. “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” Thus, if you want more energy in the bedroom, then you must put some attention into it! So let’s get started! Here are a few simple Dos and Don’ts to help you create your very own love nest.

Bedroom Don'ts:

Have computers, iPhones, televisions and other electronic work distractions in your bedroom. Studies show that couples with a television in their bedroom have half the amount of sex as couples who don’t. (However, you can have a television in the bedroom only if you use it to watch erotic videos!)

• Work desks, office stuff, etc.
• Exercise equipment
• Baby clothes or other accessories
• Clutter and dirt (just give a small clean daily)
• Bright colors or loud/busy patterns on the walls
• Overly bright lights (unless interrogation is your thing)
• Uncomfortable and noisy bed (was that you going bump in the night?)
• And of course, child-like décor. Meaning, no race car beds!!

Bedroom Do's:

Great bedrooms are sexy and radiate positivity.

• Consider using all your senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste)!
• Use satin sheets or soft bed sheets with high thread counts (over 350) Fur blankets, shag rugs and soft area carpets help to dampen noises
• Use candles (including massage candles – some are even edible) and potpourri
• Romantic wall colors (neutral tones are calming and soothing, warm tones are sexy and cool tones can be spa-like, relaxing and calming)
• Mirrors and romantic photos (black and white pictures, landscapes, etc.)
• Soft/dim lighting
• CD player or iPod with romantic music ready to be played
• A chest or secret decorative box (to store all your fun and sexy toys and aids, of course!)
• A small box or bowl of chocolates on the night stand
• Unique bedroom furniture that is multi-purpose! (check out Liberator for that!)
• And of course, a good comfortable and quiet bed!

We hope this helps you create your love nest and get some positive and sexy energy into your bedroom. Remember, even small changes can yield big results! So get started!

Cross-posted with permission from their blog. 

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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10 Books to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage

GetLusty for Couples is all about -- couples. Marriage is full of happiness and beauty until it's not. Heated arguments, mismatched libidos, and difficult transitions into parenthood can take it's toll on any couple. We've all been there; working through issues and traumas to have the best marriage. To continue with our favorite books on marriage, here are 10 more to help you have the best marriage possible and enhance your relationship. Think your marriage/ couplehood life together is amazing? Now is the perfect time to continue to work on having the best relationship. GetLusty staff writer Jason Estrada reports.

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#1 The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships
Author: Gary D Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas

According to ChristianBook.com, this book will help you identify your own language of apology and will clear the way toward healing and sustaining all your vital relationships. Through field-tested research the authors detail proven techniques for giving and receiving effective apologies.

"The authors stress that you need to learn the "language" of the person you are apologizing to: for one person, it may be expressing regret, while for another it's accepting responsibility or making restitution. Especially useful is the chapter that helps readers learn which language of apology feels most sincere to them." (Publishers Weekly)

#2 How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage
Author: Milan Yerkovich and Kay Yerkovich

According to Amazon: In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage.

#3 Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship
Author: Stan Tatkin PsyD MFT and Harville Hendrix PhD

According to Amazon: Every person is wired for love differently, with different habits, needs, and reactions to conflict. The good news is that most people's minds work in predictable ways and respond well to security, attachment, and rituals, making it possible to actually neurologically prime the brain for greater love and fewer conflicts. "Wired for Love" is a complete insider's guide to understanding a partner's brain and promoting love and trust within a romantic relationship. Readers learn ten scientific principles they can use to avoid triggering fear and panic in their partners, manage their partners' emotional reactions when they do become upset, and recognize when the brain's threat response is hindering their ability to act in a loving way. By learning to use simple gestures and words, readers can learn to put out emotional fires and help their partners feel more safe and secure.

#4 The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide
Author: Michele Weiner-Davis

According to Amazon: 'The Sex-Starved Marriage' offers candid and sensible counsel for couples with mismatched libidos. Seasoned sex therapist Michele Weiner-Davis skewers two stereotypes about sex in marriage. First, she jettisons the idea that husbands are hot and wives are not, giving examples of "low-desire" men in her practice. 

Next, she upends the longstanding model of sexual response and advises readers: "Just do it. Desire is a decision. Once the low-interest partner allows him/herself to be touched and aroused, this will trigger a strong desire to continue being sexual." The strength of her approach to the causes of sexual stalemate lies in her insights about the struggles of both partners. Her suggestions (how to break the ice, how to court your partner, nag busting, and the Hallmark solution) are not gimmicky and are presented as techniques for couples, not individuals." 

#5 Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up
Author: Harriet Lerner

According to Amazon: Marriage Rules offers new solutions to age-old problems ("He won't talk"/"She doesn't want sex") as well as modern ones (your partner's relationship to technology.)

"This book is an astonishing blend of down-home wisdom and clinical experience. I can't think of a better comprehensive guide to making marriage work for today's couples. Read it for your own relationship and give it to every newlywed you know." William J. Doherty, Ph.D., professor at the University of Minnesota and author of "Take Back Your Marriage"

#6 Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment
Author: Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks

According to Amazon: Here is a powerful new program that can clear away the unconscious agreements patterns that undermine even your best intentions. Through their own marriage and through twenty years' experience  counseling more than one thousand couples, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have developed precise strategies to help you create a vital partnership and enhance the energy, creativity, and happiness of each individual.

#7 Babyproofing Your Marriage: How to Laugh More and Argue Less As Your Family Grows
Author: Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O'Neill, Julia Stone and Rosario Camacho-Koppel

According to Amazon: Babyproofing Your Marriage is the warts-and-all truth about how having children can affect your relationship. The transition to parenthood can be a tough adjustment for any couple, but the good news is: you are not alone. Better yet, there are hundreds of simple but effective ways you can stay connected as husband and wife and still be good parents. The authors' evenhanded approach to both sides of the marital equation allows spouses to understand each other in a whole new way. With loads of humor, compassion, and practical advice, the Babyproofers will guide first-time parents and veterans alike around the rocky shores of the early parenting years.

#8 Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce
Author: Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

According to Amazon: New and revised, Fighting for Your Marriage is based on the widely acclaimed PREP (Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program) approach. Groundbreaking studies have found that couples can use the strategies of this approach to handle conflict more constructively, protect their happiness, and reduce the odds of breaking up.

#9 Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love
Author: Willard F. Harley

According to Amazon: How spouses treat each other has a tremendous bearing on the success and failure of marriage. In this completely updated and revised edition of Love Busters, Willard F. Harley, Jr., helps couples identify and overcome the most common habits that destroy the feeling of love, including selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts, dishonesty, annoying habits, and thoughtless behavior. Harley also explains how to resolve common marital conflicts such as career choices and financial planning. You can't eliminate conflict altogether, but once these Love Busters are eliminated, conflicts can be resolved with love and grace. With Harley's expert guidance, couples will be able to avoid those behaviors that tear a marriage apart and focus instead on building their love for each other.

#10 Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In
Author: Laurie Puhn

According to Good Reads, In Fight Less, Love More, readers will learn how to identify the bad verbal habits, instinctive responses, and emotional reasoning that can cloud judgment and ultimately lead to the deterioration of otherwise healthy relationships.

"With advice that is nonjudgmental, extremely efficient, and clearly understandable, Puhn covers all aspects of romantic relationships, from problems like infidelity to boundaries giving couples of every strip something of benefit. Eschewing frustrating vagaries, sweeping generalizations, and gender-based assumptions, Puhn's extremely specific guide focuses on simple, rational solutions that primarily revolve around maintaining respect for one's partner. Readers will gain a great deal from her contribution to the genre." (Publishers Weekly)

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

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