There are plenty of bad things to happen in a relationship. But one of the things we don't expect is having to tell our partner we're not orgasming. It's one of those things that you don't want to talk about. You just want it to happen. But the situation won't change unless you talk about it. Right? GetLusty resident Los Angeles Sex Therapist and there-when-you-need-her most Moushumi Ghose is back to answer our readers' question: what should I do to tell my partner I'm not orgasming?
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Dear GetLusty for Couples,
He hugs me and kisses me passionately, rarely kisses my neck, ears or breasts. Sometimes he will touch my breasts, but a little rough. He gave me oral sex once, but not since and never touches me below waist. I never hesitate to perform any version of oral sex on him. I never get warmed up enough to orgasm unless I happen to be on top and have better control.
I am a very clean about hygiene and very conscious about odor so as to not be offensive and inviting. Have even picked up drinking pineapple juice as I read it makes vaginal fluids more appealing. I am not sure if he has some aversion to swapping bodily fluids since he won't kiss me after I have given oral sex. He's also pulled away when I tried to kiss him after the one time he did so for me, not an issue for me. He is kind and generous and loving otherwise and I want to be with him indefinitely. I have told him I love for him to touch me when he does so, so he will know I like it. How do I tell him in a loving way that I need to be touched, kissed and licked without hurting his ego? I think he believes I orgasm every time because he does excite me and I love to be with him and I am into moaning he just doesn't recognize the difference and he doesn't ask if I climaxed. Help!
Signed,
Really Wanting to Orgasm!
Dear Really Wanting to Orgasm,
Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want but are having a hard time communicating this to your man. I also hear that he turns you on. And that in many ways he's affectionate and loving, but in certain ways he leaves you feeling a little neglected or rejected.
Ideally, you would be able to find a neutral time to sit down and slowly let him know what is pleasurable to you, but I get the sense that you are deeply concernd about hurting his feelings. This brings up a very common pattern I see too often in relationships. We are so afraid of hurting our partners feelings that we end up placating them and pushing our needs further and further down. In the name of being nice, of letting it slide "just this once".
We get into a pattern of not speaking up for ourselves which breeds frustration, anger and resentment and can eventaully tear the relationship down. I really want you to, before sitting down and having the "sex heart-to-heart" with him, be very conscious and aware that your needs are important too.
And beyond that, avoiding telling him what you want because you don't want to hurt his feelings is not a healthy attitude to have. He is a grown adult at 54, and should be able to handle what it is you need, without getting upset. How you deliver your wants and desires is key too. Avoid negative words, such as saying this like "Don't" or "Stop" during intimate times or the sex act itself. Instead, guide his hand towards the direction that suits your needs, or verbally tell him what you do want. Focus on the positive.
Second, speak up for yourself. It's okay to let him know that you did not have an orgasm this time, as you don't need to have one every time, since just being together is quite often enough for you, but "here are some things that will probably make me orgasm in the future." Also, ask him how it was for him. Ask him what worked best, what he liked the most. And then respond in kind. Tell him the same.
Model reciprcative behavior and then let him know you like to be asked. The key here is for you to know that it is okay to tell your partner word for word what you would like. He's not a mind reader, and neither are you. And though it may seem awkward at first, practice makes perfect.
Good luck,
Moushumi
This is another guest post by the well-acclaimed GetLusty staff writer Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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