How Do I Tell Him I'm Not Orgasming?

There are plenty of bad things to happen in a relationship. But one of the things we don't expect is having to tell our partner we're not orgasming. It's one of those things that you don't want to talk about. You just want it to happen. But the situation won't change unless you talk about it. Right? GetLusty resident Los Angeles Sex Therapist and there-when-you-need-her most Moushumi Ghose is back to answer our readers' question: what should I do to tell my partner I'm not orgasming?

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

I have been with my partner for several months now and he doesn't seem interested in touching me or kissing me other than on my mouth. He is 54 and I am 43 and I have never encountered a problem like this and have no idea how to talk about it with him about it?

He hugs me and kisses me passionately, rarely kisses my neck, ears or breasts. Sometimes he will touch my breasts, but a little rough. He gave me oral sex once, but not since and never touches me below waist. I never hesitate to perform any version of oral sex on him. I never get warmed up enough to orgasm unless I happen to be on top and have better control.

I am a very clean about hygiene and very conscious about odor so as to not be offensive and inviting. Have even picked up drinking pineapple juice as I read it makes vaginal fluids more appealing. I am not sure if he has some aversion to swapping bodily fluids since he won't kiss me after I have given oral sex. He's also pulled away when I tried to kiss him after the one time he did so for me, not an issue for me. He is kind and generous and loving otherwise and I want to be with him indefinitely. I have told him I love for him to touch me when he does so, so he will know I like it. How do I tell him in a loving way that I need to be touched, kissed and licked without hurting his ego? I think he believes I orgasm every time because he does excite me and I love to be with him and I am into moaning he just doesn't recognize the difference and he doesn't ask if I climaxed. Help!

Signed,
Really Wanting to Orgasm!

Dear Really Wanting to Orgasm,

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want but are having a hard time communicating this to your man. I also hear that he turns you on. And that in many ways he's affectionate and loving, but in certain ways he leaves you feeling a little neglected or rejected.

Ideally, you would be able to find a neutral time to sit down and slowly let him know what is pleasurable to you, but I get the sense that you are deeply concernd about hurting his feelings. This brings up a very common pattern I see too often in relationships. We are so afraid of hurting our partners feelings that we end up placating them and pushing our needs further and further down. In the name of being nice, of letting it slide "just this once".

We get into a pattern of not speaking up for ourselves which breeds frustration, anger and resentment and can eventaully tear the relationship down. I really want you to, before sitting down and having the "sex heart-to-heart" with him, be very conscious and aware that your needs are important too.

And beyond that, avoiding telling him what you want because you don't want to hurt his feelings is not a healthy attitude to have. He is a grown adult at 54, and should be able to handle what it is you need, without getting upset. How you deliver your wants and desires is key too. Avoid negative words, such as saying this like "Don't" or "Stop" during intimate times or the sex act itself. Instead, guide his hand towards the direction that suits your needs, or verbally tell him what you do want. Focus on the positive.

Second, speak up for yourself. It's okay to let him know that you did not have an orgasm this time, as you don't need to have one every time, since just being together is quite often enough for you, but "here are some things that will probably make me orgasm in the future." Also, ask him how it was for him. Ask him what worked best, what he liked the most. And then respond in kind. Tell him the same.

Model reciprcative behavior and then let him know you like to be asked. The key here is for you to know that it is okay to tell your partner word for word what you would like. He's not a mind reader, and neither are you. And though it may seem awkward at first, practice makes perfect.

Good luck,
Moushumi

This is another guest post by the well-acclaimed GetLusty staff writer Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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6 Things You May Not Know About Tantra

What comes to most of our minds when "Tantra" is mentioned is mind-blowing, never-ending orgasms. That is definitely one of the objectives for today's busy couple. (Think: breathing exercises that bring you closer in around an hour.) We sometimes forget that Tantra is also a religious and meditation ritual. Well, our favorite Sacred and Sensual Teachers are here to offer their extensive knowledgeable on Tantra. Drs. Janelle Alex and Rob Alex offer insight for those wanting deeper insight into this sacred practice.

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When you hear the word “Tantra” you very likely are going to think about learning different ways to enhance your sex life. Holy cow, if you practice Tantra with your lover, the two of you are going to have orgasms out of this world! Maybe, maybe not.

Yes, there are great breathing techniques, special positions, hand positions (mudras) and special ceremonies to enhance your sex life and your orgasms, but that is not what Tantra is all about. If you open your heart and your soul, you will find that Tantric practices are just one way to help you gain access to the Divine; a higher purpose. So, here are six things you very likely did not know about this ancient practice and its true functions.

#1 It's about better sex -- and much more!

The original goal of practicing the Tantric principals was to achieve spiritual growth and self-realization. The main purpose is transcendence and enlightenment. Hinduism and Buddhism teaches that attaining enlightenment is what will break samsara (the continual cycle of birth, death, rebirth – a constant wandering – a continual journey of searching). Therefore, Tantric practices, which include sexual practices, are a path to enlightenment – a path to break the perpetual cycle.

#2 It's a blend of masculine and feminine energy

We all have masculine and feminine energy within each of us no matter what our physical sex is. Therefore, blending the masculine and feminine within a physically intimate encounter does not necessarily have to be a heterosexual experience.

In Tantra, Shiva and Shakti represent the masculine and the feminine and the merging of the two within each of us individually as well within our loving relationships. This blending is an attempt to reach bliss and a connection to Self. Sexual activities are only one piece of this blending.

#3 The body is energy

The body is not simply a conduit for the flow of energy, but is actually energy itself. Down to your tiniest cell, your teensiest neuron, you are actually energy. Tantra has, what I consider, a metaphysical view in regards to energy and the body. The belief is that energy has consciousness and therefore, the body (all of the body) has consciousness as well. The body and the mind are not separate pieces, but are integrated aspects of the whole.

#4 Tantra integrates spirit and desire

The body is to be honored and adored. It is not, as some traditions teach, a sinful aspect of life and it is not a distraction from spiritual development. It actually offers a doorway, a portal, to access the Divine. Lovemaking is not the only way the body can open a portal, but it is one way. Tantra suggests that lovemaking truly is the playfulness and adjusted experience of bliss as a couple enjoy blending the masculine and the feminine. Your desires, your love, and your spiritual life should be integrated – not held with a great degree of separation.
 
#5 Tantric practitioners believe in deities

It is believed that during meditation and other tantric practices, including sexual activities, that the practitioners can feel deities near them. These particular Gods and Goddesses are still moving along their spiritual path as well. Even though they are not yet ascended masters (those who have achieved self-realization/become enlightened and are serving humanity) they are a gateway to the original creative source.

#6 Tantra creates a safe and sacred space

Creating a safe and sacred space, such as a sacred circle, and requesting friendship and protection from beings in the subtle dimension (similar to Earth, but more ethereal) is important within Tantric practices. There are unpleasant beings within that dimension and it is important to request only light beings surround you and to request their protection.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

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7 Reasons You Should Sleep Naked

Naked November is finally here! Unless you are a nudist, you spend most of your time clothed. We are so used to being bundled up that we have no clue what we look like au naturale. Naked November at GetLusty.com is all about shedding your layers, physically and emotionally, and getting naked! If you are new to this whole naked thing, there is some good news! You have about 8 hours in a day where you can be naked in a safe and comfortable environment. Sleeping naked is freeing and we recommend it! So strip down and hop into bed. GetLusty's Lora Swarts is here with 7 reasons to start sleeping in the buff!

Note: If you live in Minnesota don't sleep naked because it's against the law!

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#1 It's comfortable

Clothes are never really comfortable when you snooze. Underwear, boxers, and t-shirts all bunch up! Stop tossing and turning and opt for a more relaxed and cozy night time outfit: your own skin. Sleeping naked may not cure insomnia, but it will give you a more comfortable night's sleep.

#2 Beat the heat 

Sure, it's November. And if you are anywhere like Chicago, it's getting chilly outside. But with the heat blasting, sleeping under all those blankets can get hot. Going nude, even in the winter months, will keep you from sweating!

#3 Go green 

The less you wear, the less you wash. Save Mother Nature and a few loads of laundry by going naked. You won't need to wash your pajamas and other nightly negligees every week, which saves you time and money while helping the environment.

#4 Sex, sex, sex

Great sex comes from having confidence. When you are worried about your body, chances are your sex won't be that great. For better sex, sleep naked! Get comfortable in your own skin! If you are married or live with your partner, invite them to go nude too. Sleeping naked doesn't have to always lead to sex; it's such a wonderful and sensual moment to just hold each other nude. However, there are pros to sleeping naked together — when you don't have to unbutton shirts or deal with bra hooks, sex is that much easier and more frequent.

#5 It's healthy

It is liberating to come home and undress from those restrictive clothes you wore for hours at a time. So stay naked once you undress for bed. Being naked gives your pores access to more oxygen that it then uses to pump clean healthy blood to your brain, heart and vital organs. So get naked and let every surface of your body breathe while you sleep.

#6 More Confidence 

It is scary to be naked when we aren't comfortable in our own skin. Being that raw and vulnerable is difficult for anyone! Going naked exposes all the parts we tend to hide or improve with clothing. As you see and feel your naked body you begin to embrace every curve, freckle, scar and any other imperfections you think you have. So remove your clothes and start loving yourself. Your confidence will soar and negative thoughts will dissolve.

#7 It's Fun! 

Being naked is so freeing! Have you ever heard of Chicago's annual World Naked Bike Ride? Naked individuals ride their bicycles at night as a way of celebrating the human body and freedom from oil. No, you don't have to go streaking to have fun, but once you start sleeping naked, you may start cooking naked, cleaning naked and just being naked more in general! The more living you do naked, the happier you will be with you body too.

Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle or spending time with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in their north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter @HoneyNutLo. Have any questions? Email her at Lora@getlusty.com

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Podcast! Bonnie Gayle on Feeling Beautiful Naked

Chief Body Liberator and co-creator of Sex Butter, Bonnie Gayle is no stranger to self-esteem and body issues. After years of dealing with these problems first-hand, Bonnie found many women hate their bodies and portray them in a negative light.

Today, she uses her experiences to teach others that not only does learning to love yourself improve your confidence, but it improves your intimate relationships. We sat down with Bonnie to chat about how changing your body image isn't just about changing yourself physically, but mentally as well, and we've recorded it for your listening pleasure.

What we talked about:

• How does having a negative body image affect your intimate relationships? If you don't feel comfortable being naked by yourself, you probably will not feel comfortable being naked with a partner, Bonnie says.
• What does Bonnie suggest to help overcome body image issues? Start infusing positive messages into your daily routine with Post-It notes around the house to remind you that you are beautiful!
• Look at one part of your body in the mirror and say, "I love you and I accept you," Bonnie recommends to give yourself an extra dose of self-love throughout the day.
• Use Sex Butter by rubbing it on specific body parts and tell yourself positive things about that body part; this makes it easier to start accepting yourself for who you are today, and positive change will follow.
• How does positive body image affect your sexuality? When you feel confident and comfortable in your body you can connect better with your partner physically and emotionally; no matter what body part you think needs improvement, your partner loves you for who you are!

More about Bonnie:

Bonnie Gayle, Body Liberator, is a “body whisperer and sexual empowerment coach for women”.   Bonnie speaks publicly and facilitates the teaching of overcoming body image and self esteem issues to women so they can fully embrace sexual pleasure.  After co-creating Sex Butter, Yes Butter, and The Butter, products made from organic plant based oils which have been enhancing and healing women and couples, her true mission came alive: “Body Liberation”!

Bonnie’s know-how on sensitive subjects like negative body image, self loathing, and painful sexual issues stems from her own personal journey - a past filled with traumatic sexual experiences that led to an eating disorder and hating everything about herself.  Bonnie coped in all sorts of unhealthy ways, including withdrawal, binging & purging, emotional eating, promiscuity and self-deprecation.  After overcoming her eating disorder and negative body image & self worth issues and empowering herself, Bonnie has successfully assisted, mentored, and taught thousands of women the importance of loving the body you are in, treating it kindly, and stepping into embracing true sexual pleasure.

Bonnie is a member of several prominent women’s groups including: Women’s Speakers Assn., Top Female Executives, Cambridge Who’s Who, & NAPW and Over 40 Females. Read more about Bonnie at BodyLiberator.com, or connect with her through Facebook and Twitter @SexButterBabe.

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Lady Gaga Says Stop Body Shaming

GetLusty is a sex positive organization that believes in the beauty of all people in all of their glorious different, shapes, sizes, and colors.

The inspiration for this article not only comes from the media but also the insecurities of one or two of our own staff members. There's been a lot of talk in the last several days about Lady Gaga's change in body. Well, Lady Gaga took on this critism and made her own new comeback announcing she's dealt with bulimia and anorexia since she was 15. Her new campaign, Body Revolution, aims to end shame. Crimson Love reports.

We admit, it's kinda funny that it's slightly ironic, though, that a thin lady is talking about body shaming & body positivity? 

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What is body shaming?

We have been living in a day and age where we are taught to be ashamed of what we have, who we are and what we are if it's not the standard or "better". In the media we see a lot of body shaming (criticism of others for not having the "perfect" body).

We see a lot of famous stars getting the brunt of this negative attention which, trickles down to regular society. You may think that it's alright for famous stars to be held to a higher standard or, for overweight people to be told to loose weight. But why? Because famous people are supposed to be beautiful and someone needs to tell the overweight people the truth about how being big is unattractive? No!

What's the problem?

When we partake in the dismembering of someone's looks we are perpetuating a standard of what we think people should look like, in addition to belittling their talents and them as a person. Our aesthetics-based society is allowing us to objectify men, women, and girls and by doing so everyone is expected to meet unrealistic standards.

We have created an environment that is not safe or conducive to self love and appreciation. Women and girls fall so hard in these situations and turn on each other. Instead of helping and encouraging one another, we join the media in the age old patriarchal bashing of our feminine figures in all of their beautiful variety. And for what? It accomplishes nothing and does more harm than good by giving everyone a complex. Being healthy is important but that doesn't mean everyone needs to be lean stick figure. Who do we need to please but ourselves?

Stopping the cycle

The good thing is that in recent years we have seen a huge turn around in the fight against body shaming and looks based discrimination. Companies like Dove started their Real Beauty campaign to showcase women of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. In 2010, Dove launched the Dove Movement for Self-Esteem which allows older girls and women to help mentor younger generations and together celebrate beauty. Earlier in 2011, Vogue Italia had their own campaign about real beauty and femininity. They featured spreads of some of the most beautiful plus sized models in the industry.

The more we learn and celebrate what real beauty is all about, the more we can help tear down these unrealistic expectations and diminish the increasingly dangerous body shaming problem.

Celebrate you!

With love from, GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

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