My Husband Live Chats with Porn Girls

Is it cheating when your partner looks for sexual arousal on the internet? Most of us understand why we look at porn. Many couples even enjoy it together, but what about live chatting? If you caught your partner chatting with a naked web girl/guy, would you be upset? When a person has direct contact with another person, and one of them are taking part in a sexual activity, isn't that cheating? Let's here from the She Said He Said team, Josie and Eli, about this cyber dilemma.

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Dear Sexes: My husband watches porn which is fine. That really doesn’t bother me but what bothers me is when he live chats with them. I told him I consider that cheating in a way and it needs to stop if he wants to continue this marriage. And he always needs to look up naked actresses and he does when I am right next to him but he thinks I don’t notice. Why, in your opinion, do you think he does that? Is it me?

She Said: Without knowing your husband, it’s hard to say why he’s doing this, but I feel pretty confident in saying that there’s nothing about you that causes him to do it.

First, there’s nothing inherently wrong with him looking at porn or even chatting with the live chat women. Always remember that they are hired and paid to be sex workers, they do not love him or care about him. They’re not your competition. They’re just performing a service.

That being said, your boundaries for what are acceptable to you in this monogamous relationship are extremely important. You do get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and he has an obligation to hear you and respect your boundaries.

In this case, figure out what you find acceptable and what you do not. Maybe looking at porn is fine for you, but live chats aren’t. Maybe you’d rather know that he’s looking at the naked actresses than have him keep those things a secret.

Whatever you decide, you have to be clear with him about how you feel when he live-chats, and clear about your boundaries. Find out from him what he truly believes he can honestly commit to, as far as his own boundaries and make sure you’re ready to be receptive to whatever truth he may share with you. If you’re going to freak out and call him names or threaten to leave him just to get him to say he’ll stop doing it, he’s not going to be able to trust you with the truth.

And you need the truth. So be the person he can tell the truth to, to the very best of your abilities. Once you know those truths, and his baseline level of commitment and boundaries, then take some time to decide if that’s the life you want to lead. It may very well be that once it’s all laid out there for you, the relationship will be worth him having cyber sex with a sex worker. It could also be that you will never ever be happy in a relationship with someone who is doing that.

There are no judgements coming at you from us no matter what you decide. Relationships work in millions of different ways, at millions of different levels of sexual commitment—all the way from the couple who were both virgins when they met, to couples who are very happily polyamorous and everywhere in between. There’s no shame in you being okay with him live-chatting. I would only be concerned if you said you were okay with it when you truly weren’t, and either started lying about your comfort or putting him in a position where he feels he must hide it from you.

Your job now is to figure out what is going to be best for you. Then the two of you need to figure out how to best serve both your needs while respecting both of your boundaries. In this case, I strongly suggest seeking help from a therapist or couples counselor. A certified sex therapist would probably be even better.

If you can’t find a happy compromise, then you leave. Your happiness and sense of well-being is crucial here. Don’t push them aside because you’re telling yourself that his actions are somehow because of you.

He Said: If I had a dollar for every time we received a question about boyfriends/husbands watching porn I could treat myself to a decent night out on the town. Watching porn isn’t a relationship crime. Often, I can partially defend a boyfriend/husband porn-surfing with the explanation that men are visual, and their porn watching is merely a quick quenching of their aesthetic thirsts (and in most cases, this activity has no reflection on the passion/excitement between partners).

However, I can’t defend the indefensible. Live chats with porn girls is something entirely different. Your husband’s not just looking, now he’s interacting, talking/typing, exchanging, etc.. Only you can decide what’s cheating to you, but personally, I would consider this a form of cheating. Your husband is spending time with live women (through a computer screen), and his interactions are most likely of the seductive/flirtatious sort. Additionally, the time he’s spending live chatting with these porn girls, he could be spending on his relationship with you.

Regardless, it only matters how you and your husband define these actions. If you’ve already expressed to your husband how this behavior hurts you, he needs to explain himself and/or adjust his behavior. If he continues with his live chatting ways, either he doesn’t understand how much you’re offended, or he doesn’t care (or maybe he’s addicted to the attention). Giving him the benefit of the doubt (that he cares about you and is not a bad guy), make him understand! You’ve made it clear to us how much this behavior bothers you. Make sure you’re just as clear with your husband. Live chatting with your love should always be more satisfying than live chatting with strangers.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Best of 2012! 7 Differences Between Feminist & 'Traditional' Porn

It's never to late to ponder about all the fabulous things that happened in 2012 (think: GetLusty)! We loved this one so much, we put it back on the shelf as a, "Best of"!

At some point in our lives, we have all seen pornography. But have you watched any feminist porn? Feminist porn is gaining wide popularity. There is even the annual Good for Her Feminist Porn Awards! We've already blogged about 11 Must See Feminist Porn Sites. Now it's time to discuss what makes feminist porn so different from common, traditional, male-driven porn. If you have not seen feminist porn, then you are in for some very big differences! Our Crimson Love reports.

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Everyone I know has seen porn at some point in their life, whether it was by accident or on purpose. We have all watched the blondes with big boobs and dramatic makeup caked on have sex with the ridiculously hot men with the six packs and huge cocks.

The moaning, writhing, and weird faces that traditional porn stars make is fake and very bad acting. However, feminist porn is different from the norm. Here are 7 major differences that set feminist porn apart!

#1 Solid story lines

One of the biggest differences in feminist porn versus regular male driven porn is that the story line tends to be more solid. There is a beginning, a middle and an end and it's all developed through the course of the movie. Also, the characters have more complexity to them.

#2 Characters are more true to life 

Have you ever thought, "That'd sexy scene would absolutely never happen in my life." In many feminist porn flicks, you'll find people of different ages, shapes, gender identities, sexualities and sizes. In regular porn everyone looks like Barbie and Ken, or like a living blow up doll.

#3 Less degrading to women 

We were just Tweeting about gang bang rape acts. This kind of 'porn' sometimes have women crying "rape" and not looking like they're enjoying themselves. How the hell is that supposed to be a turn on to women? The acts and things that happen in feminist porn are not degrading but empowering. Feminist porn more accurately depicts real female fantasies, as opposed to traditional porn's false depictions of what it thinks women enjoy sexually. Think of Beautiful Agony, where you have real people masturbating and featuring real orgasms! HOT!

#4 More artful 
 
Feminist porn tends to be more artfully produced and directed than regular porn. Think of Erika Lust's films. Even just the picture emphasizes the importance of art and elegance in sexuality. It's essential! It's sexy! It's feminist porn! The cinematography is more thoughtful and it is way less cheesy.

#5 Better acting

People--women, men and genders from all colors of the spectrum--actually tell their emotions on their faces and in their acting. If actors are having a fabulous time, it shows! If they're not, that shows, too! I'm not saying it's Oscar worthy (depending on the feminist pornographer), but many adult films especially for ladies have more actual... acting! They're movies, right? Makes sense. The moaning and orgasms are less likely to be fake. There is even some comedy thrown in! Have you seen Bike Smut? It can be hot and hilarious.

# 6 More sensuality

In comparison to regular male driven porn, there is more sensuality and there seems to be more appreciation for the body. Traditional porn only focuses on getting to the banging scenes- i.e. kiss, kiss boobs, bang. It's quick! In feminist porn, the process is more about appreciating the body rather than using it.

#7 Better wardrobe/costumes 

Ever notice how costumes in regular porn look like they came from a Halloween store? Well the costumes in feminist porn are better. They aren't as cheap and are more realistic!

With these differences in mind, go to watch some regular porn and some feminist porn! See the differences for yourself!

With love from, GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love.

Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com. 

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Interview! Erika Lust Talks Feminist Porn

Erika Lust is amazing as a feminist pornographer. Starting in only 2004, her films became explosively popular within several months. Why? She has a unique, sexy and dare we say, lusty, style. Lust Films has had prolific success and as you'll see Erika's passion is likely the biggest reason for the success of Lust Films. And what better way to solute this gorgeous, talented and incredibly smart woman than finding out more of her perspective on why she's so passionate? Read on!

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1. What is your definition of ‘feminist porn’?

Feminist porn is in direct opposition with most of the other kinds out there. It’s mission is to represent the female voices that are so absent from mainstream porn, yet so needed in order for pornography as a whole to represent anything close to an actual, positive sexual experience. Feminist porn is created in an effort to give power and importance to women’s sexuality.

2. What are the major differences between the porn you make and mainstream, male-dominated porn? How do your films aim to challenge stereotypes?

There are so many differences; I hardly know where to start! The whole reason I decided to make films is because of what I saw lacking in the mainstream industry. What’s immediately noticeable is the technical quality – I shoot everything with top-notch HD cameras, give major importance to lighting, and invest my time in finding great locations, sets, and musicians for the original soundtrack during a lengthy pre-production phase.

Another large part of pre-production is casting, which I spend more time on that I expect any mainstream director to. I’m not particular about looks so long as they are natural, people like you and me, but am very specific about attitude when I interview. Do they like their job? Their body? Sex in general? Do they hide their work from friends and family? Do they do it for the money only?

The answers to these questions really determine whether or not we’ll work well together, which effects the whole film. The actors have to be right for the role, which is something I think that sets me apart from mainstream films. I really do want to make films where the story is pivotal to enjoying the film. Without this, the sexual situations just seem ridiculous! The final thing I get a lot of good feedback on, besides the natural-looking actors, is the natural sex. I try and portray something akin to the type of sex people are actually having – none of this athletic, choreographed, fantasy sex for fantasy’s sake alone.

3. The films you make are often highly artistic. What’s your reasoning behind that?

It has always been my goal to merge traditional filmmaking with explicit content. Most filmmakers (in the US anyway) spend lots of time and money on aesthetics, characters, stories, and shy away from sexual content for ratings & audience reasons. Even if the sexual content is extremely graphic, as long as it’s not totally explicit, it’s acceptable. Meanwhile in mainstream porn, there is an obvious lack in any of the qualities listed above, but an abundance of sex, sterile and scripted though it may be. It’s either one or the other these days, with just a few notable exceptions: titles like 9 Songs, Shortbus, and Matinee. It’s among these pioneering directors that I wish to create, which means I strive for harmony between quality camerawork, an original soundtrack, fresh stories and scripts, rounded characters, believable situations, and beautiful sex.

4. What are some misconceptions or myths about the porn industry that you wish to debunk?

I think the single biggest misconception that I have to debunk regularly (to people’s disappointment), is that I am indeed running a business. People assume that, because I’m in the adult industry, that sexy naked people run around Lust Films having dildo-fights or something. I have to explain that, no, it’s an office – my time on the set while making a film is miniscule compared to the amount of time I’m at my desk or traveling – where regular staff, not actors, are hard at work. Sorry! We do have a lot of fun, but everyone is fully clothed, and very professional.

5. Are your films made specifically for women or do they aim to connect with an audience that includes men as well?

I started out making films that communicated my vision of sex and the erotic, and because it was a feminine view, I attracted an enormous following of women viewers. The original aim was to offer something that appealed to women, since so little of the adult industry is concerned with that. In the years since releasing my first film, a significant number of men have joined my following as well. And after women, couples are my greatest viewership. I think this shows that my films appeal to anyone who wants something different from porn, and I’m glad that both genders are included in this.

6. Do you think feminist porn is couples-friendly?

Absolutely! I get a ton of positive feedback from couples saying that they had a great experience. Whether it was the first time they’d ever explored porn together, or just the first time they’d seen that specific film, they enjoy our films! Watching an erotic film together could be the ultimate fantasy for some people, or it may open doors to new ones – like exploring fetishes, trying new positions or even making a film of one’s own! The key here is communication, and watching films together can really get the ball rolling, especially if you’re having a hard time explaining what you want, or what you fantasize about trying.

7. What do you think the future holds for the small but growing feminist porn market?

The term ‘growing’ is key here. All different types of indie porn are expanding thanks to the modern producer-consumer relations, technology, and sheer exposure. As the audience expands, more quality, varied films will exist, so that maybe someday everyone can find a type of erotic content that suits them. I think the future will see more indie films becoming household names (like those from the ‘golden age’), a massive increase in women enjoying porn and erotica, more interest and sales in products for female pleasure, and the overall re-thinking of human sexuality to include more feminine elements.

8. What are you excited about in the next 6-12 months?

I am in the middle of a few projects at the moment, so there’s a lot to be excited about! An erotic novel I just finished should be published early in the New Year. I’m also in the pre-production status with a new film, which will be completely unlike my others in a lot of ways. You’ll have to stay tuned for more updates on those!

More about Erika Lust

Erika Lust is an award-winning writer and erotic film director. She was born in Sweden in 1977 and currently lives in Barcelona, where she founded Lust Films in 2004.

Erika made her first film, The Good Girl, in 2004. The Good Girl, was distributed for free on the Internet and downloaded 2,000,000 times in the first few months after its release, winning the NINFA prize for the Best Short Film in the 2005 Internacional Erotic Film Festival in Barcelona (FICEB). With such a great response to her first film, she quickly moved on to bigger projects.

In 2007, Erika wrote and directed her first feature film, Five Hot Stories for Her, a compilation of five short films created specifically for women and couples. The Good Girl was included in this quintet. Five Hot Stories for Her took away the prize for Best Screenplay at the Barcelona Erotic Cinema Festival (2007), Best Film for Women at Venus Berlin (2007), Honourable Mention at CineKink New York (2008), and Film of the Year at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2008).

Next came Barcelona Sex Project, an independent experimental documentary exploring the lives, personalities, and orgasms of six Barcelona residents, which was awarded Best Erotic Documentary at Venus Berlin (2008) and an Honourable Mention at the Feminist Porn Awards in Toronto (2009); Life Love Lust, the highly anticipated follow up to Five Hot Stories for Her, and the publication of three books: Good Porn, The Erotic Bible to Europe, and Love Me Like You Hate Me. Erika’s latest film, Cabaret Desire, was released in October 2011. An adult film set in Barcelona’s ‘Poetry Brothel,’ she’s fond to call it “my biggest project to date, my best, I think, and my most personal.”

From there, Erika has worked on numerous other films, of which you can find out more on Lust Cinema. Also, follow Lust Films on Facebook and Twitter @erikalust.

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Interview! Camille Crimson on Blowjobs, Erotica & Motorcycles (NSFW)

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Why We Crave Porn

Just in time for Dick & Dildo December. GetLusty loves porn. Scratch that--GetLusty loves feminist porn. Have you seen our favorite feminist porn stars list? Or our 30 Top Feminist Porn Sites? Over the years, porn has risen more and more from the depths of underground culture into mainstream society, causing it to grow increasingly profitable while still retaining the controversy that has always surrounded it. Some porn stars, such as the famous Jenna Jameson, have become household names and just as popular as many Hollywood actors and actresses. GetLusty is always curious about porn and its effects on couples. Well, Josh Merel, a neuroscience PhD, offers three points as to why porn is so popular as well as what kind of effects, positive or negative, it can have on the different types of people who view it.

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Porn exists and it will continue to be used heavily in Western society.

Why? Like other cultural products that have become pervasive, porn satisfies a want felt by many men, women and children. Porn is neither good or bad per se; rather, consequences of porn use in certain contexts may lead to people being happier or less happy. Discussion about porn use should be an honest consideration of why porn is so appealing to many, and in what contexts porn can have good and bad effects.

Human animals desire sex; we crave it viscerally. But sex is somewhat complicated to acquire. Grouping masturbation in with sex, humans have the option to have sex by themselves. Nevertheless, despite the comparatively simple option of solitary masturbation, most people prefer to engage in erotic experiences with others.

Scientifically, it is no mystery why we crave sex with other people—we reproduce by sexual intercourse—though admittedly this is not usually in the forefront of one’s mind while thinking about erotic experience (it is what scientists consider an evolutionary cause, rather than a proximal cause).

As soon as the “will” of other individuals becomes part of sex, having sex becomes something less trivial than simply deciding one wants to … right now.

The fact that the will of more than one individual is involved yields all the various agreements we have come to with respect to regulating sex; among the many forms are marriage customs, prostitution and internet pornography. There is tremendous diversity, though, which I don’t wish to minimize by omitting here.

Point 1: The extent to which there is a real relationship between the performer and the porn viewer is under-appreciated. This is not just to say that the porn performer is a “real” person—such a point has been made many times. More subtly, I want to emphasize the fact that there is a relationship, ranging from a simple transaction to a possibly emotional connection, between the viewer and the performer.

In the biological sciences, there is often an attempt made to learn about healthy people by studying diseased people. Without being too judgemental of the people (usually men) extremely interested in pornography, one might hope to do the same here. We can likely learn a great deal about “regular” porn users from the “extreme” users. I am not an expert on porn addiction, but one relevant feature of serious porn viewers is that they may have, what are to them, highly meaningful relationships with specific porn stars. While most porn viewers may not be able to immediately relate to this, regular porn viewers will still have preferences for appearances, behaviors and communication habits of the porn “characters” they watch. As a monogamous and capitalist culture, we prefer to think of porn not as an interaction between people, but as a purely commercial product to be consumed.

Point 2: For those couples who both find porn use acceptable within the context of their monogamous relationship, porn is likely beneficial to that relationship. However, whether the relationship remains truly monogamous becomes more suspect. Even while in a relationship, many men and women will continue to find other people attractive. They may genuinely desire to suppress those feelings in “real life” in order to hold to certain commitments to themselves and/or their partner with respect to their sexual freedom. This argument can be formulated in various flavors, but when used in defense of porn consumption boils down to the overly simplistic point that porn isn’t real and doesn’t affect the monogamous relationship.

I think that this is practically true for many porn users, but by way of reference to Point 1, I wish to complicate this point. Porn use involves a human interaction with another person, the performer. I think given the predominance of monogamy in contemporary western society, this fact about pornography has been actively played down. That is, as a monogamous and capitalist culture, we prefer to think of porn not as an interaction between people, but as a purely commercial product to be consumed.

With respect to monogamy, porn use can perhaps be lumped into a broader class of release-valve theories- individuals who might have struggled to be completely monogamous get a release by interacting in a controlled and socially acceptable way with pornography. The salient point that distinguishes porn performers from prostitutes, with respect to monogamy, is the stronger asymmetry in the relationship.

In conventional pornography there is no interaction directed from the user to the performer, and for many people in relationships this probably feels less threatening. A husband might be as likely to be with a porn star as with a famous Hollywood actress, so the porn remains in the realm of fantasy. Increasingly interactive forms of pornography (one-on-one shows) might be considered similar to visiting a prostitute, as the nature of the relationship between performer and viewer becomes more bi-directional. Such interactive porn likely requires additional ethical negotiation, especially within the context of a monogamous relationship.

Point 3: There are certainly healthy ways of interacting with pornography. But any approach where the viewer is not fully honest with himself is likely unhealthy. It is easy to say that watching porn and masturbating is relaxing, but should such an answer suffice as justification? Most people face sexual tension at times, and perhaps porn is well-suited to certain such situations (perhaps even regularly), but how many people use porn to escape non-sexual stressors? Some of these rhetorical questions might be best answered systematically with statistics, but even before a survey would be coherent, individuals might find such self-reflective questions difficult to answer honestly for themselves. When constraints are placed on the behavior we are allowed to publicly express, we will want to satisfy our cravings elsewhere.

Does porn help a user take a break, or does it act like a narcotic, inhibiting the user from addressing other fundamental issues related their relationships and their life? Each individual likely has their own answer.

Humans have wants, and satisfaction of many such wants depend on productive interactions with other individuals. If an adolescent boy is embarrassed to gawk at a scantily-clad woman, perhaps porn will help him to learn about his urges, or perhaps it will encourage him to objectify women. How the porn is presented and its content will likely affect which. If a man in a committed monogamous relationship consumes porn, perhaps porn will serve to de-stress him and release some sexual tension, or perhaps porn will encourage dissatisfaction with his relationship. Again, the context within his relationship in which he uses porn and and the kind of porn he consumes will play a role.

It is meaningless to simplify porn as bad or good, rather we should seek to understand this new component of our culture with an interest in personally reconciling our own behavior.

I have tried to analyze some of the complications related to porn use and the discussion surrounding it while trying to avoid inserting too many of my own personal values. Borrowing language from Freud, but using the terms somewhat figuratively, the desire for porn reminds us of the internal struggle between the id and the superego. Our individual wants with respect to sex, as well as other cravings, may inherently conflict with regulations encouraged by our society and our close companions.

How individuals deal with balancing their desires against what they know to be the desires of others with whom they interact is deeply personal. More than simple and sweeping solutions, a healthy interaction with others (including porn-performers) requires honesty, introspection, and communication about why we engage in certain activities and whether we personally find them acceptable in the context of our own relationships.

Originally appeared at The Good Men Project in partnership with Elephant Journal.

Josh Merel is a PhD candidate with research focus in computational neuroscience at Columbia University. Outside of neuroscience, he has broad ranging interests spanning robotics, literature, philosophy, society and most everything else. Find out more about his research here.

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Labiaplasty & Porn: What Can We Learn? (Pt 2)

Who doesn't love a beautiful vulva? Why isn't every vulva beautiful? This Naked November, we're thinking about nudity and body image. We think you should be naked more often. In fact, we have ways to help you feel better about your naked body. Sometimes, though, as humans, we compare ourselves to others. This could give us a complex! In the discussion of body image, we're talking about the plastic surgery called labiaplasty. We continue Hylton Coxwell's of Vulva 101's discussion about porn's affect on women's genitals. Here, Hylton jumps into the specifics of his argument.

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First, a word on pubes

Contrary to popular belief, removing pubic hair is not a new thing. We humans have been doing it for at least 5,000 years, and probably considerably longer, for both aesthetic and practical reasons. So why do we start seeing shaved vulva appearing in porn in the mid- to late-1980s?

That’s actually a trick question. Though the 1980s are often cited as the start of the shaved vulva trend, that’s not when we see the first smooth vulva on-screen. Scroll back to 1972, the movie Deep Throat sports Linda Lovelace’s fully shaved vulva. Thanks to Fanpix for the picture. When asked in an interview with Esquire Magazine why she shaved for the film, Linda replied, “I always do. I like it.”

And today, women (and men) answer that question the same way. They remove their pubic hair because they want to, they like it and because they can. Of course, there were porn movies before the 1970s, but by today’s standards they were very difficult to produce, acquire and view, ergo they only had very limited audiences.

In these ‘stag films’ we still find the occasional shaved vulva, even in very early black and white films (silent but with big band soundtracks). Personally, jazz and swing are a little off-putting in terms of porn music, but I grew up in the age of “bow chicka wow-wow” themes, so I can’t be one to judge. Either way, it’s another example of how porn is a reflection of society.

Shaved vulva on film can be traced back to somewhere between 1915 and 1920, coincidentally the same time we start seeing shaved armpits in Hollywood movies. Prior to that we run out of film pretty rapidly, but we have literary evidence, artwork and the existence of the pubic wig, or ‘merkin’ (dating back to the mid-1400s) to show us people have been removing pubic for a very long time.

Clearly, porn isn’t causing people to shave, wax, laser or trim. People shaving, waxing, lasering and trimming are what’s causing hair-free vulva in porn, not the other way around.

The unnatural vulva

What about vulva themselves, does porn on film/video show “unnatural” or “impossibly neat” ones? Many claim the vulva seen in porn don’t appear in nature and seeing these unnatural vulva causes women to feel bad about theirs and incites them to have labiaplasty surgery. That’s simply not true and it’s one of the most mind-numbingly stupid things I’ve ever heard.

We already established in Part 1 the vulva shown in photographic porn are indeed real and actually vulva. No impossibly perfect—I think they’re all possibly perfect—nor surgically altered, dyed or Photoshopped vulva anywhere to be found (except when required by law). Video, of course, shows the same real vulva. With one caveat: there’s surprisingly very little visible vulva on video (say that three times fast!).


The hidden vulva

Even in big-budget, two-hour features there can be less than five minutes of footage in which you can clearly see a vulva. I used a stopwatch, admittedly a strange way to watch porn, and some scenes I didn’t press the button once!

It can vary quite a bit depending on the genre, but most of the time there’s something (a body part or object) in the way, obscuring our view, or the shot is too wide to make out any details beyond their pubic hair style. When we, for a few fleeting seconds, do see vulva, they are naturally diverse. Long labia, short ones and barely there ones, dark and light and every shade in between. They match the complexions of those who have them, no dye or photoshop needed.

The pornographic scapegoat

So this impression that porn is making women shave or making them feel so bad about their vulva they are compelled to get labiaplastic surgery, where is this coming from? It’s coming from sources who aren’t interested in facts and evidence, as they are consumed with their own insecurities and go to great lengths to blame pornography for their problems. It’s the same group which writes things like “porn is cruel and violent” and “porn dehumanizes women and turns them into nothing more than sex objects.” This attitude begs the question: what kind of porn are these people watching?!

Anti-porn hysteria doesn’t reflect reality. It’s a delusion, whether it comes from the mouths of politicians, religious leaders or activists, and it needs to be treated as such.

Many of these rather shrill people want to see porn banned. Their minds, like cement, are all mixed up and permanently set. Their message should be ignored. A better message would be one based on facts: if you’re watching porn and see a vulva (or penis) that looks different than your own, it’s simply because everyone is unique. That uniqueness should be celebrated and appreciated.

With a background ranging from journalism, publishing and photography to computer programming and languages, along with an insatiable curiosity of the world around us, Hylton Coxwell explores a hidden topic in his first book ‘Vulva 101’. Born in 1976 near Belleville, Ontario (Canada), Hylton moved to Hiroshima, Japan in the mid- 90’s to study Japanese and various martial arts. Having returned to the Belleville area, he now teaches self-defense classes, mostly to women, and owns several small businesses. Follow Hylton on twitter @Vulva101. You can also email him at info@vulva101.com, or subscribe to his Facebook page.

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8 Fun Sex Facts You Should Know

Just because you've had plenty of sex doesn't mean you know it all! Sexual pleasure can be a learning process overtime as bodies change and so likes and dislikes. GetLusty writer Eileen Prouffe hopes that some of these fun sex facts will bring about more pleasure and fun for you and your partner. Read on!

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#1 Size doesn't really matter

For the gents out there: penis size doesn't matter as much as we might think it does. The average penis size internationally is around 5-7 inches (erect). The average non-child bearing woman’s vagina is only 3 inches long when not aroused (measured from the opening of the vagina to the tip of the cervix). Once she’s sexually excited, her vagina only extends another inch or so. Though some women have more vaginal depth. According to Ask Alice, "Regardless, during arousal, blood flows to the genital area, and sexual excitement causes the upper two-thirds of the vagina to lengthen by forcing the cervix and uterus to ascend." We recently addressed this noting penis size doesn't matter.

#2 It'll whip you to shape

Of course, some of the positions in our sex positions library are more 'advanced' than others. Imagine the difference between athletic sex, a few swings of your whip for a little spanking session or full-on athletic sex. An average person of about 150 lbs can burn about 216 calories in about 45 minutes of sex. There's also a more comprehensive list of calories burned during sexual activity including New Yorker sex versus Los Angeles counterparts, spanking and even "after watching a Paris Hilton video," from the Calorie Lab as published in the American Journal of Exercise Calorimetry in August 2006. So, if your issue is that you don't have time for sex and working out then, just have sex and kill two birds with one stone.

#3 The G-spot is named after a German physician

The G stands for the Gräfenberg spot which was named by Ernst Gräfenberg, a German physician who studied women's orgasms. Though there is still controversy about whether G-spots really does exist (GetLusty ladies are in agreement for an emphatic, "YES!"). Even well-researched Sex Expert Debby Herbenick isn't completely sure the G-spot even exists. The definitive answer? Some women feel that they definitely have a g-spot, while others do not. Personally, I feel that I do have one because I know that there is a little spot down there where amazing things can start happening. Can't find yours? Not to worry. We've written extensively on G-spot orgasms, including the most recent on having G-spot orgasms during cunnilingus. Also, we have recommendations of books on G-spot orgasms and even squirting 101.

#4 Semen could make you happier

A recent study done at the State University of New York in Albany, suggests that semen can be an antidepressant. This study found that women who have vaginal sex without a condom show fewer signs of depression than women who abstain or regularly use condoms. Other research has shown that semen may also boost your cardio health. Although these sources have not been proven, it doesn't hurt to try. 

#5 Kissing causes happiness

Sure, there may be times when people don't bother to kiss while having sex because they are in a hurry or because they haven't brushed their teeth yet, but according to WebMD, kissing can really bring people closer together and make them feel more of a connection. Sometimes couples who have been together for a while start to skip this part of the relationship, but really you should consider rekindling it and making it a priority. Kissing is considered a really intimate way to connect with a person so maybe that's why a kiss can be highly valued. Get your smooches on!

#6 Sex can boost your immune system

Both having sex and having an orgasm have numerous health benefits, including boosting your immune system. Scientists have proven that having sex twice or more a week can boost your immunity and help prevent diseases like a common cold or other infections. Because people who have regular sex are exposed to more infectious agents. The body then responds by increasing antibodies and boosting the immune system. This winter, it may be beneficial to take more trips to the bedroom with your partner instead of going to the pharmacy.

#7 The clitoris has more nerve endings than a penis

The clitoris has 7000 nerve endings while a penis has about 4000. This may help explain why some women may be more sensitive and particular in the way that they like to be touched. Not all women prefer the same thing so, it takes a little exploration to figure out what each individual prefers. For those continuing the sexual exploration process, we recommend female masturbation to learn more about what stimulates you best.

#8 The left side of the clitoris is more pleasurable than the right

If you're looking to explore her vulva and clitoris, how about trying it a little to the left? In the book Extended Massive Orgasm, Steve and Vera Bondansky found that it pays off to aim to the left. It was discovered that most women interviewed for the book found that the upper-left quadrant of the clitoral head is more sensitive than the right. Go ahead and tell your partner to go left!

Speaking of sexy fun, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty. 

Eileen Prouffe is a GetLusty staff writer with over ten years as a working mom trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com.

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Philip Werner Talks Vaginas, Nakedness & Body Image

There's a mysterious negative stigma attached to our bodies in America. Violence and drug-use rule the airwaves, but the thought of a penis or breast being shown is revolting. Why are we so ashamed of our bodies? What happened between the time when we all walked around naked with spears? Well, not all of us are ashamed. GetLusty asked Philip Werner some questions about his book,  101 Vagina and his thoughts on how women perceive natural beauty.

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What is the premise of the 101 Vagina coffee table book project and what inspired you to create it?

The main idea is to break the taboo around vaginas and ease all the body image shame in general. I was first inspired after reading the Vagina Monologues by Eve Ensler as it really highlighted how big an issue this really is. Our entire society is hobbled by these taboos and by this shame around our bodies.

Why do you think portraying pictures of vaginas, or even mentioning them, is still so taboo?

Yes, there is a bizarre juxtaposition where on the one hand sex and bodies are sensationalized and on the other, people feel ashamed and almost afraid of the simple realities of our bodies. Bikini clad women are plastered all around us and yet some people feel uncomfortable with women breast feeding in public. Something has gone wrong somewhere and I honestly don't know how we ended up in this situation where people are afraid of the simple realities of their bodies. Perhaps vaginas are the ultimate symbol of vulnerability, openness, the feminine; all the things that the ideas of power, protection and control feel threatened by. But honestly I don't know.

How do you think nude photography and seeing other women nude can help individuals overcome shame and issues with their own bodies?

Well, I think in particular when naked bodies are depicted as they are without Photoshopping, it helps deconstruct these marketing-driven ideals that have been rammed down our throats. If you see someone who is also imperfect, just like you, you feel validated in a way. Somehow it reminds you that, yes, they are OK, and therefore I'm OK.

I was at a nude beach recently and there was a woman who had obviously had a mastectomy. One of her breasts was missing a nipple and both breasts obviously had implants. It took me aback initially, but it was also very reassuring somehow that humans are somehow perfect in their imperfections. She was comfortable, probably having come to terms with it long ago. How unfortunate that we hide our imperfections from each other all the time, no wonder so many people are depressed, trying to live up to some stupid ideals of everlasting happiness and "beauty".

Like with overly skinny models and Photoshopped, airbrushed celebrities, do you think porn puts forth the wrong image of what vaginas should look like and make women self-conscious about their own nudity? What negative side-effects have you seen related to this issue? 

Well, I think this is an interesting issue and there are many sides. "Porn," comes in so many different variations, and anyone that's had a bit of a look around will have seen many different looking vaginas. Yes, in mainstream porn most women are shaved, for example, but home made porn seems to be becoming more popular where ordinary people are just the way they are. Again the problem with porn has been that it's been market driven, rather than community driven. Look at music these days. The big marketing machines are being circumvented by everyone being able to make and upload their own music. It means people are making what they love, rather then just what the big bosses say sells records. I think ultimately the same will happen with porn, people will just make their own and the big end of town will loose it's grip.

But coming back to your question, yes, certainly anything which presents an unreal image to the world will lead people to believing that they themselves are not normal. In Australia we have the terrible situation that soft core porn mags have to airbrush vaginas into a thin slit. No labia are allowed to show. It's ludicrous. Women end up believing that they themselves are not normal and seek out plastic surgery. It's so, so sad that a teenage girl might think her vagina does not look the way it's "supposed" to look.

Besides an inaccurate representation of “normal,” what other reasons have you seen for women being ashamed of their bodies and their vaginas?

Yes, besides all the women's magazines, porn, etc? Well, there is also peer pressure isn't there. So many of the older school feminists blame men for everything, but so often the pressure to conform comes from other girls in school or other women in social circles. Most people want to fit in and be accepted and conform. But this is also where things can change. Often it only takes one person to break out from a group and say, "I'm happy with how I am and I don't think we need to all look the same" for the whole dynamic to change. And this requires courage.

How does portraying vaginas help pave the way for discussion of “taboo” topics like rape and genital mutilation?

Well, I think to a degree there is an indirect knock on effect. If someone feels more comfortable with their bodies as a result of surrounding themselves with positive messages then they will feel more empowered to talk about things. It may be easy to talk about rape or genital mutilation from an academic perspective, but it takes a lot of courage to talk about your own experience of having been violated.

So, for example, say someone has suffered some sort of abuse, or they have some difficulty with their sexuality but they have never spoken about it. Then at some point they come across a "vagina positive" book and they realize that they perhaps don't need to be so ashamed. They may, perhaps, open up to someone about their experience and that could trigger a huge healing cycle for them. Or someone has an irregularity that they ought to get checked out at the doctor but they feel embarrassed, etc. Shame prevents us from talking about things. Seeing material which unashamedly addresses that issue will help ease people's shame.

Remember also that with 101 Vagina, in particular, there is also a message that accompanies every photo. These messages are so diverse, and really it is these stories that give the book it's depth.

Who are the models for the 101 Vagina project? Was it a big step for some of them to be photographed nude and what were their reactions to their pictures?

It started with friends. However, after a few months I had only taken a few photos and I realized I needed to ramp things up. That's when I built the website and Facebook page. I invited every woman I knew in Melbourne, and then things spread from there. Before long the word got out and complete strangers came in to participate. I think the project has really struck a chord with a lot of people.

We understand you are self-publishing the book as of now and raising funds for its first print run. After the book is printed, what kind of reception do you foresee?

Oh, if only I had a crystal ball. So far people have been incredibly positive and supportive and I hope that will continue. Obviously I'd love the book to go as far as it can to have as large an impact as possible. I'd love to get on talk shows, radio shows, etc. Oprah? Ellen? I don't even know who's doing what really, I don't have a TV myself, but yes, I'd love it to go big. And the bigger the better since $5 from every book will go towards women's charities. But I understand the reality that ultimately no one cared about your project as much as you do. Never mind, if I only sell 100 copies so be it. In a way the project has already been successful because it has already touched a lot of people's lives.

Where can our readers go to learn more and how can they support the project?

Please visit the crowdfunding page to support the project here: http://pozible.com/101vagina.

In addition to the 101 Vagina project, you’re also selling a vagina calendar to raise funds for the One Billion Rising event protesting violence against women. Tell us more about it. How did you get involved, and how does this event’s message relate to 101 Vagina’s goal of erasing the taboo surrounding women’s bodies?

Yes, it's an interesting union and one that some people may find a bit jarring, but I really believe that we need to take an unflinching look at the causes of sexual abuse rather than simply lament and be outraged at it's occurrence. I strongly believe that sexual repression and sexual aggression/abuse are connected. I just don't think that anyone who is truly comfortable in their sexuality would ever impose themselves on another person. Rape and abuse are NOT expressions of sexual freedom, but of sexual repression. And sexual repression is closely related to body image shame and taboos.

One Billion Rising is a V-Day event, and V-day was founded by Eve Ensler who wrote The Vagina Monologues, so it's already a natural fit. I got involved because I already knew about V-day and One Billion Rising, and when some friends of mine started planing to organize an event in Melbourne I jumped on board. Regarding the calendar, well I figured that the media often like controversial calendars that are raising money for good causes, so this might be a way to raise the funds needed to stage the event in the most visible place in Melbourne. It's not cheap, we've got to come up with $20,000 and are also looking for corporate sponsors. We can be contacted at: onebillionrisingmelbourne@gmail.com.

Philip Werner is a Melbourne (Australia) based photographer (philipwernerfoto.com), web-designer, mediator, furniture maker (lazydeckchairs.com.au), thinker, engineer, shit-stirrer and perhaps soon-to-be book publisher (101vagina.com).

He has traveled the external and internal world extensively and gotten a closer understanding of each in the process. His photographic portrait work demonstrates this awareness through the depth of presence he captures in his subjects, bringing their internal world to light in the external form of their bodies. Follow him on Twitter & Facebook.

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Vulvas & Porn: Why Their Relationship 'Is Complicated' (NSFW) (Part 1)

At GetLusty, we feel like porn can be beautiful. Feminist porn that is. What about mainstream 'traditional' porn? At GetLusty, we like to talk about erotica of all kinds. We've touched on the potential negative affects of too much porn for men. but now we want to take a look at how porn might be skewing the perceptions of women. We're glad to have the perspective of Hylton Coxwell, author of Vulva 101. The first in a two part series, Hylton defends the porn industry against what he calls "quasi-feminist" blogs.

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It’s porn’s fault! 

At least that what we’re often told. Whether about corrupting morality, or the more recent hot topics of pubic hair removal and labiaplasty, the notion that pornography has the ability to manipulate human behavior has been assumed to be the truth. But is this really the case—can it actually compel people to shave daily or have parts of their genitals surgically removed?

Though I’ve read it in medical literature, today quasi-feminist blogs are the biggest pushers of that idea. I say ‘quasi’ as there’s a big difference between believing women have sole control over their bodies, choices and sexuality, versus simply being angry with individual men. The latter also presume women are gullible and easily manipulated, by those evil male pornographers, into doing things like shaving their pubic hair or having parts of their labia removed.

Here’s a few direct quotes:

“Sometimes they are influenced in these views by having seen misleading pornographic magazines or videos – in which the ‘heroine’s’ vulva appears impossibly neat and tidy!” “Often times the only point of reference women have is what they see in porn. And what they see is dyed, shaved, airbrushed and sometimes surgically altered. What they see does not occur naturally.”

That sounds good on the surface, except it’s not true. That’s not what you see in porn, and is so far from reality I must question whether the authors of those statements have ever actually viewed porn. It’s not based on evidence. They just made all that up, or repeated something someone else made up.

Don’t believe me? 

Just google the words ‘vulva’ or ‘pussy’ or any of the other common slang terms and what you’ll find is a real cross-section of how vulva actually look. You’ll likely end up on thumbnail gallery posts (pages of small images which when clicked view the full-sized pictures). And probably, you'll encounter more than a few blind links. But you’ll see long lips (labia minora), short ones and barely there ones, shaved, trimmed, hairy and a respectably wide range of body types and ages.

In essence, you’ll find the same range of vulva appearance, labia size and pubic hair in porn as you do in the general population. While researching for this article, I viewed thousands of random vulva images, and not a single vulva would be out-of-place in Vulva 101. All were naturally occurring—not one was dyed, Photoshopped or manipulated to alter the shape, size or color of labia. The only ones I found that were surgically altered were those of transgender women.

It’s important to note: virtually every image you see (of any subject, in print and online) has been “Photoshopped” to some degree, mainly to ensure the image looks good color-wise on-screen or on various combinations of ink and paper types. I spent more than a decade Photoshopping hundreds of thousands of images, and ‘darkrooming’ them before that, in my career so doctored images are pretty easy to spot. If there are misleading vulva images in pornography, I’m having a seriously difficult time finding any.

Pornography is not a manipulator, it’s simply a mirror of what exists. There’s no agenda, no one is trying deceive you as to what vulva actually look like.

Illegal vulva

No one at least, except for some governments. There are countries with strict laws prohibiting the sale of images showing vulva (and penises too). Japan, for instance, forces porn producers to blur out vulva entirely and Australia requires on-the-shelf erotic magazines to not show any inner lips. Producers comply, not because they want to or because they think lips are obscene—in fact they hate the laws and the expense incurred by all that retouching—but because they have to in order to sell their products.

Prepubescent myth

Another argument often thrown around regarding the lack of pubic hair in porn is that it makes women look like little girls, and men want women to look prepubescent. This concept is as absurd as it is insulting. It ignores the fact that adult, shaved vulva don’t look like those of little girls and it totally disregards women’s motivation for shaving, and their right to do so.

While working on Vulva 101, I spoke with hundreds of women about this. When asked why they chose to remove some or all of their pubic hair the answer was a resounding, “I like the way it feels, and it’s easier to keep clean.” Coincidentally, these are some of the same reasons humans have been removing pubic hair for thousand of years.

Vulva Puppets

And then there’s the Vulva Puppet, and other abstractly colored vulva trinkets, sometimes regarded as the antithesis to the “unnatural” images of vulva in “male-centric” porn. Well-meaning as they may be, as teaching tools they are worse than useless and border on the comically ridiculous. They only serve to illustrate what real vulva don’t look like and sadly reinforce the perception that actual vulva are too graphic or obscene to be viewed.

So where do people get the idea that porn causes women to believe they must shave their pubic hair, or that their labia are too long and need to be surgically removed? They certainly don’t get the idea from viewing porn, that much is clear. Instead the idea comes from not viewing porn. It’s an idea based not on fact but on ignorance and fear.

It’s a lie, often repeated and easily believed. In Part 2, we delve deeper into the subject of porn and vulvas. Our two favorite topics.

With a background ranging from journalism, publishing and photography to computer programming and languages, along with an insatiable curiosity of the world around us, Hylton Coxwell explores a hidden topic in his first book ‘Vulva 101’. Born in 1976 near Belleville, Ontario (Canada), Hylton moved to Hiroshima, Japan in the mid- 90’s to study Japanese and various martial arts. Having returned to the Belleville area, he now teaches self-defense classes, mostly to women, and owns several small businesses. Follow Hylton on twitter @Vulva101. You can also email him at info@vulva101.com, or subscribe to his Facebook page.

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Art vs. Porn: What's the Difference?

At any given day in GetLusty office, you'll either see us chatting about porn or art, or maybe even both. Erotica. We're no stranger to our human craving for porn, but our favorite is feminist porn (have you seen our favorite porn stars? Or maybe our top feminist porn site recommendations? Oh, my!). But we've given much thought to where art begins and where porn ends. What is pornography, anyway? Well, GetLusty sex positive thinker Nadine Thornhill, of course, comes to the rescue. Read on as Nadine talks about the fine line between art and pornography.

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This week I’ve been enjoying an e-mail exchange with Canadian, Muskoka-based Beverly Hawksley, an artist who wrote asking for my thoughts about where one draws the line between art versus pornography.

As a photographer who occasionally does fine art nudes, I am wondering where and how the line is drawn between porn and erotic fine art. Yes, I know – depends on the audience. But there must be some informal rules – what galleries are willing to display and what crosses the arbitrary line defining what is considered ‘respectable’ art for public display and that considered ‘indecent’.

As I told Hawksley, I’m a fan of both fine art and porn but have nothing resembling authority on either subject. It’s hard for me to speak to what distinctions fine art society does and/or should make. But I can tell you what I think. So this post may include some small sprig of knowledge but that’s just garnish for the main course – a generous portion of Nadine And Her Random Opinions About Stuff.

Regarding pornographic film, the Ontario Film Board defines pornography or “adult sex films” as a film that has, as its main object, the depiction of explicit sexual activity. Those films are distributed with a special porn identification sticker. And that, gentle readers, is the extent of my knowledge about what defines porn. Time to get opinionated!

Maybe I can draw a similar line between fine art and pornographic images. Porn are explicit photos of people engaged in sexual activity. Full frontal boners, lubricated fingers in places…and so on. Meanwhile artistic images are more discreet. Nudity but no erections or penetration. There may be implications but in reality there’s no actual sex happening during the shoot. Hm.

But I don’t love that distinction. Like I said, I know nothing of photography or art. But I do know I’ve seen what I’d consider artfully realized pornographic film. And while I accept the practicality of a film board rating to restrict age and alert the consumer to the content – it also irks me that a well crafted movie forfeits inclusion as part of “art ” because it shows people having actual sex. Similarly it seems kind of sex-negative to define a photograph as porn-not-art simply because the subjects are getting it on. So in the words of Winnie The Pooh, "Think, think, think."

Perhaps a distinction based on skill. But I’ve been lucky enough to work with some pretty kick-ass photographers. I imagine most of them could take a picture of two people engaged in explicitly sexy things that would be a hundred times more artful than any photo I might snap of a more modest scene. In fact Hawksley himself sent me a beautiful photo of a woman performing fellatio. We opted not to post it at the model’s request, but it was a striking image. It was also reasonably modest, with only the subjects’ hair and limbs visible. Yeah, but…

Separating art from pornography by saying the former requires skill, still kind of implies that the latter is inherently less good and less valuable. I fully concede that porn is not something that everyone enjoys or wants to see. But so are some of the world’s great works of art. No, I don’t think that porn becomes art simply by virtue of being provocative and controversial. But where I’m landing on this question right now, is that there is no line. For me at least. This gal’s opinion is that pornographic images, like any other creative endevour run the gamut from mindless dreck to artistic genius. As for which works fall into what category, there will probably never be consensus. With art there almost never is. I for one am happy to include the type of porn that I find beautiful in my every-woman definition of fine art.

Now--enough of my opinion! I know some of you picture takin’, art makin’ probably know a lot more about this subject than I do. Is there a line between porn and erotic art? Where do you think it lies? Whether you’re a respository of knowledge, chock full of opinions or bothI’m eager to hear what you think!

The two pictures are just a few of Beverly Hawksley's art pieces. This piece cross posted with permission from Nadine Thornhill's blog.

Help end boring sex and enter to win a LELO Tiani 2 courtesy of SheVibe. What do you need to do? Just 'Like' GetLusty on Facebook by December 1st! Have you followed us on Twitter yet? We're @getlusty there. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, too!

This is a guest post by Nadine Thornhill. We're very excited to announce Nadine will start writing regularly for GetLusty.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on the Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

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Podcast! Kelly Shibari Talks Feminist Porn & Self-Acceptance (NSFW)

Kelly Shibari is not your typical adult entertainer. A successful business woman and self-proclaimed "intelligent hedonist," Kelly is out to break stereotypes about porn stars and take on obstacles dealing with body image.

We sat down to chat with her about her unique niche in the porn industry and why she couldn't be happier about it (which we recorded for your listening pleasure).

More on what we talked about:

• Born and raised in Japan, Kelly was aware of her weight at a young age. "I was always a bigger kid...it wasn't until I came to the states that I realized I wasn't as big as people made me out to be," Kelly says.
• Kelly believes working in porn helped improve her self-esteem and body image, and aided in shedding some of the negative thoughts she held as a child about her own body.
• Kelly's most recent film, "Kelly Shibari is Overloaded," is a different kind of porn in that is helps break the stereotype that plus-size porn stars are "just a pretty face" who don't do the extreme sex scenes that are generally reserved for more slender women.
• What makes "Overloaded" feminist porn for Kelly? Its sense of female empowerment and her being in control of the scenes. "If you're a gentleman, you get the sexiest part of me, if you're a jerk you don't get anything sexy about me," she says of her male fans who took part.
• Kelly believes "Overloaded" and similar films allow fans to see that you don't always have to be inside the box - be experimental and branch out, but put safety first, she advises.
• Tips for being comfortable with your own sexuality? Do your research before you experiment and find positive and fun in everything you do, Kelly recommends. Trying new things helps you find out what turns you on and what works for you!

More about Kelly:

Kelly is a voluptuous, naturally busty Asian porn performer/director/producer who has been happily breaking stereotypes about big girls, Asians, and pornstars all at the same time for the past six years. She runs several sites –PaddedKINK (NSFW), a plus-size fetish site; ThePRSMGroup, a social media consultancy for the adult industry, and KellyShibariXXX (NSFW), her personal site for fans of her porn work.

In 2011, she won the Feminist Porn Award for PaddedKINK, and was featured in Rammstein’s music video for their song “Mein Land”. She just released my first self-produced “fanbang” film, “Kelly Shibari Is Overloaded“ (NSFW), and is preparing to be one of the headliners for BBWFanFest, the first-ever adult convention for plus-size adult performers and models. She is also a recurring substitute co-host for Playboy Radio’s “Night Calls” and Spice Radio’s “YouPorn” shows. To connect with Kelly, visit her Facebook page or follow her on Twitter @KellyShibari.

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