Our favorite sex therapist, Moushumi Ghose (the LA Sex Therapist) really had a great, multiple part question this week. We give her props for answering our readers' very thought provoking question. Read on!
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Dear GetLusty,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. When we first got together, it was as though we couldn't stop having sex and experimenting and enjoying each other. Over time, I felt more self-conscious about my body, and I've had a lot of stress in my life that I've had to deal with and so sex and anything related to it has become almost non-existent, and when it does happen I feel like I allow little romance, and
I have trouble being comfortable in many positions anymore (he is rather large and since we don't have sex frequently I think I have a lower tolerance for the pressure). But I think that most of that is related to my current state of mind and I am trying to reinforce positive ideals and activities into my life and accept that he is attracted to me even when I feel like a slob.
So after all that background, my biggest question to you is this: I used to be a huge swallower. I loved sucking him off and swallowing when he came because I enjoyed it and it made him feel really good. Now I have trouble even tasting his semen and I have no idea why. I can give him a blowjob and be mostly fine with that. But as soon as I taste him I develop this ridiculously strong gag reflex and have trouble continuing on. I don't believe he tastes any different than he used to, and we eat fairly healthily, so I can't imagine that it is that. I think it has something to do with me (I even get a bad gag reflex when I have too much toothpaste in my mouth too). I used to not be this way, and I am wondering if you have any advice on how to overcome it?
Signed,
Totally changed
Dear Totally Changed,
When reading your question there are so many parts to it, I will try to break it down as best I can for you.
The first thing I hear is that you and your boyfriend were extremely into one another at the beginning of the relationship. You enjoyed sex, and every bit of the sex was hot, passionate and you were always turned on. But, things are quite different now, right?
Well, let me first explain to you a little physiology about love. It has been studied and theorized that the first stage of love can last about 6 months to two years, and this fits quite snugly into your scenario, as this early stage of love and romance is scientifically similar to being high on cocaine.
So, it's no wonder you felt passionate, sexy, hot, you were high on hormones, adrenaline, dopamine and all these natural fabulous chemical running through your blood, veins and brain.
However, after the first stage wears off, generally at the latest 3 years, we are often left to pick up the pieces of the honeymoon phase, and this lends way to the next stage which is attachment phase. Ideally we grow and develop during this final phase of love, growing more comfortable with our partners, feeling more secure, and developing a working sex language that will take us through the rest of our lives. But a lot of times the mess that was created during the honeymoon or lust phase is more than we know how to handle.
The truth of the matter is, that once the high wears off, reality sets in, and quite often it's not what we had bargained for. Did you lose sight of what was important to you during this time? What things did you used to love about your boyfriend, that now are not sitting so well with you. These reality checks can sometimes come crashing down in the form of anger, resentment, and frustration. And, what is worse is that sometimes you may not even realize it. Perhaps you feel disconnected in some ways from your boyfriend?
You mentioned that you "feel like a slob," which suggests you are suffering from some sort of body image issues also. When we don't feel 100% about our bodies, hell no we are not going to feel sexy. Feeling sexy is directly related to feeling attractive, feeling good about our physical nature, bodies, etc.. Where does this body image issue come from? Is it something that is self manifested, or are you receiving messages from somewhere that your body is not good enough? Who? What? Where? Finding out what messages you are contending with and then finding a way to accept your body is going to be key in getting your sexy back.
Lastly, you mentioned the gag reflex, which occurs at other times, not just during sex. From what you have described this more than likely has less to do with his semen and has everything to do with stress, anxiety and fear. The gag reflex can be brought on by panic attacks during stressful situations.
Therefor it sounds like stress, is the culprit in your inability to swallow your boyfriends semen. Seems strange I know, but body image issues in and of itself can be stressful, on top of everything else you are contending with, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.
My suggestion to you would be to do some serious soul searching. You need to find ways to reduce the stress in your life, prioritize what is important to you, and recognize what is causing you panic or anxiety and then get yourself into some therapy either individually or as a couple as soon as possible.
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.
* * *
Dear GetLusty,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. When we first got together, it was as though we couldn't stop having sex and experimenting and enjoying each other. Over time, I felt more self-conscious about my body, and I've had a lot of stress in my life that I've had to deal with and so sex and anything related to it has become almost non-existent, and when it does happen I feel like I allow little romance, and
I have trouble being comfortable in many positions anymore (he is rather large and since we don't have sex frequently I think I have a lower tolerance for the pressure). But I think that most of that is related to my current state of mind and I am trying to reinforce positive ideals and activities into my life and accept that he is attracted to me even when I feel like a slob.
So after all that background, my biggest question to you is this: I used to be a huge swallower. I loved sucking him off and swallowing when he came because I enjoyed it and it made him feel really good. Now I have trouble even tasting his semen and I have no idea why. I can give him a blowjob and be mostly fine with that. But as soon as I taste him I develop this ridiculously strong gag reflex and have trouble continuing on. I don't believe he tastes any different than he used to, and we eat fairly healthily, so I can't imagine that it is that. I think it has something to do with me (I even get a bad gag reflex when I have too much toothpaste in my mouth too). I used to not be this way, and I am wondering if you have any advice on how to overcome it?
Signed,
Totally changed
Dear Totally Changed,
When reading your question there are so many parts to it, I will try to break it down as best I can for you.
The first thing I hear is that you and your boyfriend were extremely into one another at the beginning of the relationship. You enjoyed sex, and every bit of the sex was hot, passionate and you were always turned on. But, things are quite different now, right?
Well, let me first explain to you a little physiology about love. It has been studied and theorized that the first stage of love can last about 6 months to two years, and this fits quite snugly into your scenario, as this early stage of love and romance is scientifically similar to being high on cocaine.
So, it's no wonder you felt passionate, sexy, hot, you were high on hormones, adrenaline, dopamine and all these natural fabulous chemical running through your blood, veins and brain.
However, after the first stage wears off, generally at the latest 3 years, we are often left to pick up the pieces of the honeymoon phase, and this lends way to the next stage which is attachment phase. Ideally we grow and develop during this final phase of love, growing more comfortable with our partners, feeling more secure, and developing a working sex language that will take us through the rest of our lives. But a lot of times the mess that was created during the honeymoon or lust phase is more than we know how to handle.
The truth of the matter is, that once the high wears off, reality sets in, and quite often it's not what we had bargained for. Did you lose sight of what was important to you during this time? What things did you used to love about your boyfriend, that now are not sitting so well with you. These reality checks can sometimes come crashing down in the form of anger, resentment, and frustration. And, what is worse is that sometimes you may not even realize it. Perhaps you feel disconnected in some ways from your boyfriend?
You mentioned that you "feel like a slob," which suggests you are suffering from some sort of body image issues also. When we don't feel 100% about our bodies, hell no we are not going to feel sexy. Feeling sexy is directly related to feeling attractive, feeling good about our physical nature, bodies, etc.. Where does this body image issue come from? Is it something that is self manifested, or are you receiving messages from somewhere that your body is not good enough? Who? What? Where? Finding out what messages you are contending with and then finding a way to accept your body is going to be key in getting your sexy back.
Lastly, you mentioned the gag reflex, which occurs at other times, not just during sex. From what you have described this more than likely has less to do with his semen and has everything to do with stress, anxiety and fear. The gag reflex can be brought on by panic attacks during stressful situations.
Therefor it sounds like stress, is the culprit in your inability to swallow your boyfriends semen. Seems strange I know, but body image issues in and of itself can be stressful, on top of everything else you are contending with, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.
My suggestion to you would be to do some serious soul searching. You need to find ways to reduce the stress in your life, prioritize what is important to you, and recognize what is causing you panic or anxiety and then get yourself into some therapy either individually or as a couple as soon as possible.
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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