thethrifters: question

Showing posts with label question. Show all posts

Would a Threesome Hurt My Relationship?

Thinking about a threesome with your partner? Before throwing a third person into bed, consider the possible dangers. Will it benefit the relationship, or hurt it? Will jealousy haunt you or your partner? These are the things you need to discuss with your loved one. J. Cameron Gantt offers some sound advice on the complications of a sexual trinity.

* * *

Dear GetLusty for Couples,

I have been with my partner for one year and so far things are pretty good. A few months ago, he and I were discussing our fantasies and he let me know that he would like to try a threesome. He has never tried it, but I have had a few in the past. I am not completely opposed to the idea, but I am a little afraid of how this would affect our relationship. I have never been in a threesome with a boyfriend and though I want to keep our sex-life exciting, I don’t know if this is something we should explore. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Room41More

Hey Room41More,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your concerns. I can tell this is a tricky situation for you and you have some fear surrounding the possibility of engaging in a 3-way with your partner so I hope I am able to help you.

I applaud you and your partner for being open with each other about your sexual wants and needs. There’s nothing sexier than being able to swap fantasies with your partner and seeing what you can do to make it happen.

Here’s the thing about threesomes: There are so many things you have to consider. Is your relationship strong enough to handle a threesome? Who’s going to be the 3rd participant? Will it be a stranger or someone you know? Will one of you enjoy it more than the other? Will someone feel left out? What if it goes really well and it becomes a regular thing? What if it goes bad – will he blame you?

You can’t predict what’s going to happen after everything has been said and done. No matter what you do, sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to, especially when you are dealing with more than one person.

I know that one year may seem like a long period of time, especially in gay relationships, but honestly you guys are still fairly new as a couple. You guys are still getting to know each other and to introduce this new dynamic into your relationship so soon may complicate things. You’re already fearful about the possibility of engaging in a threesome with him so I would advise you to trust your gut on this one. Archive this fantasy and save it for when you feel more comfortable doing it with him.

Here are 2 things you can do to make sure you are ready to invite a guest into your sex life.

#1 Keep the communication going

Based on what you have described, you and your partner seem to be pretty open with each other about the possibility of having a threesome. Keep it up! Feel each other out and make sure you both are on the same page as to why a 3-way would benefit your relationship. I know it sounds sappy, but be honest about your feelings. Don’t say you are okay with it if it’s not the way you feel. Pretending to be okay with it will just lead him on and he will be expecting that threesome to happen.

Should you decide to make that threesome a reality, make sure you and your partner set boundaries to protect your relationship. Maybe you don't want him kissing or penetrating the third person. Think about the possible awkwardness afterwards – does the third party leave right after, does the person spend the night? Your fear of a threesome stems from specific concerns. Make a list of things that would hurt or anger you – just imagine this other person touching your partner and see how it makes you feel.

#2 Try a different fantasy before you try the 3-Way

You have so many options to explore if you are serious about spicing up your sex life. Sex toys, role play, voyeurism, BDSM… the list goes on. These are all things that you can do with him that do not require additional participants. GetLusty.com is your personal playbook for hot sex with your mate. Make sure you check out some of our other content and see what piques your interest.

I hope this helps you and I wish you the best of luck in your relationship.

Sincerely,
J. Cameron Gantt

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango and Singleswarehouse. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

Why Don't I Like His Cum Anymore?

Our favorite sex therapist, Moushumi Ghose (the LA Sex Therapist) really had a great, multiple part question this week. We give her props for answering our readers' very thought provoking question. Read on!

* * *

Dear GetLusty,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. When we first got together, it was as though we couldn't stop having sex and experimenting and enjoying each other. Over time, I felt more self-conscious about my body, and I've had a lot of stress in my life that I've had to deal with and so sex and anything related to it has become almost non-existent, and when it does happen I feel like I allow little romance, and

I have trouble being comfortable in many positions anymore (he is rather large and since we don't have sex frequently I think I have a lower tolerance for the pressure). But I think that most of that is related to my current state of mind and I am trying to reinforce positive ideals and activities into my life and accept that he is attracted to me even when I feel like a slob.

So after all that background, my biggest question to you is this: I used to be a huge swallower. I loved sucking him off and swallowing when he came because I enjoyed it and it made him feel really good. Now I have trouble even tasting his semen and I have no idea why. I can give him a blowjob and be mostly fine with that. But as soon as I taste him I develop this ridiculously strong gag reflex and have trouble continuing on. I don't believe he tastes any different than he used to, and we eat fairly healthily, so I can't imagine that it is that. I think it has something to do with me (I even get a bad gag reflex when I have too much toothpaste in my mouth too). I used to not be this way, and I am wondering if you have any advice on how to overcome it?

Signed,
Totally changed

Dear Totally Changed,

When reading your question there are so many parts to it, I will try to break it down as best I can for you.

The first thing I hear is that you and your boyfriend were extremely into one another at the beginning of the relationship. You enjoyed sex, and every bit of the sex was hot, passionate and you were always turned on. But, things are quite different now, right?

Well, let me first explain to you a little physiology about love. It has been studied and theorized that the first stage of love can last about 6 months to two years, and this fits quite snugly into your scenario, as this early stage of love and romance is scientifically similar to being high on cocaine.

So, it's no wonder you felt passionate, sexy, hot, you were high on hormones, adrenaline, dopamine and all these natural fabulous chemical running through your blood, veins and brain.

However, after the first stage wears off, generally at the latest 3 years, we are often left to pick up the pieces of the honeymoon phase, and this lends way to the next stage which is attachment phase. Ideally we grow and develop during this final phase of love, growing more comfortable with our partners, feeling more secure, and developing a working sex language that will take us through the rest of our lives. But a lot of times the mess that was created during the honeymoon or lust phase is more than we know how to handle.

The truth of the matter is, that once the high wears off, reality sets in, and quite often it's not what we had bargained for. Did you lose sight of what was important to you during this time? What things did you used to love about your boyfriend, that now are not sitting so well with you. These reality checks can sometimes come crashing down in the form of anger, resentment, and frustration. And, what is worse is that sometimes you may not even realize it. Perhaps you feel disconnected in some ways from your boyfriend?

You mentioned that you "feel like a slob," which suggests you are suffering from some sort of body image issues also. When we don't feel 100% about our bodies, hell no we are not going to feel sexy. Feeling sexy is directly related to feeling attractive, feeling good about our physical nature, bodies, etc.. Where does this body image issue come from? Is it something that is self manifested, or are you receiving messages from somewhere that your body is not good enough? Who? What? Where? Finding out what messages you are contending with and then finding a way to accept your body is going to be key in getting your sexy back.

Lastly, you mentioned the gag reflex, which occurs at other times, not just during sex. From what you have described this more than likely has less to do with his semen and has everything to do with stress, anxiety and fear. The gag reflex can be brought on by panic attacks during stressful situations.
Therefor it sounds like stress, is the culprit in your inability to swallow your boyfriends semen. Seems strange I know, but body image issues in and of itself can be stressful, on top of everything else you are contending with, it sounds like you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders.

My suggestion to you would be to do some serious soul searching. You need to find ways to reduce the stress in your life, prioritize what is important to you, and recognize what is causing you panic or anxiety and then get yourself into some therapy either individually or as a couple as soon as possible.

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

Here at GetLusty for Couples, we get a monumental amount of questions about every aspect of sexuality. Today, we'll cover some of the most general questions. GetLusty sex geek Jason Estrada answers the 5 most commonly asked questions about sex. Do you have specific questions about sex? Do e-mail us at reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

* * *

#1 Am I normal?

The human race seems to be a very apprehensive species. Our insecurities are at their peak when it comes to sex. Men want to know if their penises are normal. Women need to know that their vulva isn't "abnormal". We all want to know that we're doing it right. Hopefully, most of our GetLusty community accepts their sexuality, but some might feel like a weirdo for their fetishes. Many couples hide their true sexuality from their partner, and therefore, suffer a less fulfilling relationship. As long as it "embraces open sexuality with few limits beyond an emphasis on safe sex and the importance of informed consent." The quote was taken from Wikipedia's definition of "sex-positive". As long as you are a sex-positive couple, you are normal. For more on the "I am normal?" question check out our article from Eric Amaranth.

#2 How often do most people have sex?

There's a lot of anxiety in couples about how often they should be having sex. When a friend brags about having sex 12 times a week, we freak out. There's nothing to worry about folks. For one, that friend is probably lying, or they just had a week-long fluke. Most research reveals that most married couples in America have sex about twice a week. For newly weds, the number is usually higher, but over time that number does decrease. Want to more sex? Amy Jo Goddard says scheduling sex is the best way to have more of it (which we agree).

#3 How do I tell my partner what I need in bed?

First step is starting to talk a little more. Talk in a neutral place like a cafe or bar. Don't be accusatory. Just be honest and clear about what you want. Try something like, "Baby, our sex is great, and I love it. I want it to be the best that it can be. That's why I wanna try this new position," or "I'd like to spice it up with a little something different." How you frame your request is important.

You wouldn't tell your partner that they give horrible blowjobs. If your partner isn't doing enough of something, trick 'em into doing it more. "Babe, last night was so hot. I was so turned on when you took your time with me and teased me before fucking me." See that? Turn the request into a compliment. GetLusty for Couples has a few articles on specific sexual requests. For example, Portia Blush told us how to ask for what you really want in bed, or Moushumi Ghose's article talked about how to tell your partner you want slower sex for example.

#4 Where did my sex drive go?

It's true, sometimes men don't always want sex. There are a plethora of reasons for a lack of libido. As you get older your body goes through hormonal changes. Men's testosterone levels decrease. Women start experiencing changes due to menopause. Aging has a definite affect on your sex drive, but changing hormone levels can happen at any age. GetLusty's Jason Estrada hypothesized too much (male-centric) porn could be killing men's erections.

Other reasons might be stress at home or work, medications, poor physical fitness, and lack of sleep. Take a step back and see if any of these things could be the cause. If your concerns are not satisfied, see a doctor and get those hormones tested. For more on this, check out 4 steps to gaining your sexual function back or make sex explosive naturally.

#5 How do I tell my partner about my fantasies?

Telling your partner is easy. You obviously might feel some anxiety about sharing something you feel ashamed of or embarrassed by, but your partner should be open and loving, so I'm sure he or she will be supportive. If your partner is none of those things, you have bigger problems than this particular set of questions.

Before spilling your most erotic fantasies, maybe set the ground rules: no laughing. Your partner might think you're joking if your fantasy is extremely surprising. Explain to him or her that this is a sensitive subject, and that you are counting him or her to be supportive. Have your partner reveal some fantasies of their own to balance out the awkwardness. Moushumi Ghose writes about how to bring bring BDSM into bed and why your fantasies are beneficial.

What ever your question is, you should be looking for the answers together. Resolving your questions are not as important as sharing them with the person you're committed to.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. Connect with him via email at jason@getlusty.com or subscribe via Facebook.

There are several issues as important as stamina. We've already proved duration does matter. But what happens when your sex life is stuck? What happens when you become the one always initiating sex? Are your partner's needs being met but not yours? Obviously, you must look below the surface here and really get at the core of what is going on with your partner and you. Our resident LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here with three ways that will get your guy lasting longer and help you both reconnect and work towards a stronger, healthier and overall amazing sexual relationship.

* * *

Dear GetLusty,

My partner not only has very little interest in sex but when he does get it up (always with me initiating it), he looks after his own needs which takes 30 seconds. So I normally have to wait 30 days for 30 seconds. I’m so frustrated. I can't leave him because we have two daughters together and I've loved him for about 20 years. But, I have no more patience left.

Signed,
Cheeky Mary

Dear Cheeky Mary,

I am so sorry to hear about your frustrations with your partner, but I also hear that you love him very much. Before you leave him, have you tried having a sex heart–to–heart with him? The sex heart-to-heart is something I strongly recommend for all couples, old and new, sexing and non-sexing, to better understand what makes each other tick. I can’t imagine he’s very happy with what is going on either.

Before we talk about the sex heart-to-heart though, you mentioned you two have been together for 20 years. I might suggest that he see a doctor to rule out any organic issues. Are there any illnesses at play here? Is he on medications that could prevent him from feeling sexual or having longer erections? Age, medications and illness are definite issues. With age, many men see a decreased level from earlier days of arousal. This doesn’t mean they cannot have fun, or be sexual, but it does often create a mental conundrum, which can be difficult to accept, let alone address. Men as they age may feel confused, or alienated by their sex drives, and some blame themselves for their lack of virility, and as a result try to avoid any such interactions. The key for men is to recognize their body changes as they get older and their mind needs to catch up. Men need to nurture their sexuality instead of trying to hide it.

For couples who have been together a long time, it seems like you should know everything about your partner and that there should be very little to talk about, right? Wrong. The truth of the matter is, as you grow older, your bodies change, and your emotions and feelings shift, and it is important to recognize this is part of growth. Couples often feel bad about their growth, often fear what it could mean to their sacred union. Change can be really scary for many couples. But, since growth never stops, open, and honest communication should actually be happening more and more as couples mature. Bringing up your concerns in a gentle, non- judgmental way can help change this pattern, to get the conversations started, not just about sex, but everything else. My theory is that if you’re not talking about sex, there is probably a whole slew of other things that are getting pushed under the rug. This in effect thwarts our growth and the growth of the relationship as well.

#1 Explain your needs

Letting him know what your needs are is the first thing. Be kind. Remember to let him know how much you are attracted to him, and that sex is a way for you to feel more connected to him- which is something you want. Your vulnerability and honesty are key here as they going to be the role model for this interaction.

#2 Ask him what he needs sexually

Ask him what he would like sexually. Is there something that he needs to get aroused or turned on that you can help him with? Ask him if there are any issues he might want to talk about around sex that maybe you haven’t addressed? Let him know you want his needs to get met too.

#3 Plan a time to talk

Let him know he doesn’t have to answer right away, and that you are open to discuss all his concerns. Then, set a date and time to have a follow up conversation. Let him know how important this is to you for you two to be connected as you grow older together. And then do a follow up as you said you would.

Please note that change is sometimes slow. He may be reluctant at first to open up. But if you are consistent about following up and following through, and if you are honest, gentle and sincere it will help him see how important this is to you and the relationship and will eventually get the conversation flowing. It might seem awkward at the beginning, so be patient.

After you get the conversation going, you two can begin to address and explore ways in which to make your sex life more exciting and satisfying for both of you. Once you start having more open, honest conversations, this should get easier too.

Hope this helps!
Moushumi

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

At GetLusty for Couples, we want to help your sexual relationships. Our 5 pillars to an amazing relationship are important--essential to a wonderful marriage or long-term relationship. We'll often times think men are the one's interested in 'quickie' sex. But what if your wife or partner doesn't know you want sex to last longer. You want sex to be loving and sensual and she's a busy woman who doesn't even know what you want? Here, Moushumi Ghose, our favorite Los Angeles Sex Therapist, answers a question from one of our readers.

* * *

Dear GetLusty for Couples,

I have to admit, I started reading this article on the defensive, figuring that it would neglect the most obvious answer... which turned out to be #3 above, at least for us. I've tried so often to initiate, only to get rejected, that I notice I just don't want to try so much anymore. It's too depressing and, to be frank, hurtful... even though I know that's not her intention.

Maybe — probably — I'm just a terrible lover. But I also know that there's this whole emotional negotiation/navigation leading up to intimacy that's exhausting. We can be close and seemingly right in the right spot for sex to follow, when suddenly her mood turns on a dime. Over some small thing. And then it's just impossible.

And then there's this idea that she seems to have that sex for me is just about getting off. Always, she only wants to have a "quickie" (when we have sex at all, which is maybe once a month at best). And while we're having sex, it's rarely sensual... more like a collision of bodies. Don't get me wrong, that can also be pleasurable. But I miss the heat of a long, slow seduction. The slow, sensual exploration of our bodies... etc.

I give the long massages, which she likes. But everything seems perfunctory in return. And there are so many things she doesn't seem to like or claims not to. She's stiff and resistant, as though she doesn't even like to be touched. Gradually that goes away, sometimes... but it's like she has this iceberg of inhibitions that needs to be melted anew each time.

Anyway, I realize I'm ranting... and sharing too much, which I know I wouldn't do if it weren't for the "anonymous" button below. Bottom line is that I feel keenly aware that sex is part of what is as important as time spent together and conversation when it comes to forging the bonds of our relationships. I want our sex life to be so much more than just 17 minutes of getting off... and this is the guy talking.

I guess what I'm asking is, do women even know we think or feel this way?

Signed,
Wondering and desperate

* * *

Dear Wondering and desperate,

I am sorry to hear that your sex life is at such an impasse. You seem really unsatisfied with your sex life, and so does your wife by the sounds of it if she thinks you just want to get off.

It sounds like she's avoiding sex with you, and in return you are feeling rejected, dejected, and surmising that you must be a terrible lover, and then feeling like you need to rant and complain, which in the end sounds more like pointing the finger and placing blame, mainly on her.

What I would really love to hear more of is "How can I meet my wife's needs?" You're so focused on your fear of getting rejected and how she is going to react, and how your needs aren't getting met. You are focused on the anger of the situation, and what your wants and desires are, that you have completely forgotten that you have a 50% role in this too.

I’d love you to ask this question? What are my wife’s needs? How can I please my wife? Not just in bed, but in life, and in the relationship. Or go a step further, make it your goal to find out, why your wife is holding back? If your needs are not getting met, hers aren’t getting met either. That is the bottom line.

There is a plethora of reasons she may be holding back. Chances are she is feeling neglected, or perhaps rejected in some way and this is really important, it may not be sexual, but whatever area she feels neglected in is just not really inspiring her to be sexual with you. You say you give massages, which she likes, but have you asked her what she would really love? The thing to not assume here is that sex and sensuality exist in a vacuum. Maybe she’d be more open to you if you were helpful in other ways. Maybe you are too critical. I don’t know anything about your relationship, but I know enough about relationships to guess that she doesn’t feel safe with you, in order to want to be sexual with you.

My advice, get down to the nitty gritty and really look at your relationship. How can you help your wife be the best she can be? Once she is on that path, I have a feeling she will be more open to you, than just in the bedroom.

Good luck!
Mou

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

Back in anal August, we talked a lot about butt sex. Regardless, anal sex questions remain. And, of course, here at GetLusty, we don't like to leave questions unanswered, so we had to get to the bottom of this issue. It's time. Down with bad butt sex. Maybe we're just feeling like super activists on the way to our SlutWalk Chicago Flash Dance Mob event this Saturday.

Either way, you might also have questions about giving your lovely lady partner butt love. Dr. Jenn is here to help. This is a guest post from Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus, PH.D. Dr. Jenn is a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, as well as relationship and intimacy counselor.

* * *

Dear Dr. Jenn & GetLusty,

I think it’s hot to put a finger in a girl’s butt when we are having sex "doggy style." But it doesn’t always work and sometimes my girlfriend says it hurts. What can I do about this? How can I please my girlfriend better?

Thanks,
Wannabe Anal Master

Dear Anal Master,

Anal play has become more and more popular, so thanks for your great question. First, make sure your partner is interested in experimenting with anal play. If she’s not into it, she’s going to have a hell of a time relaxing, and will likely experience pain. I don’t advise trying to ‘sneak it in’ without explicitly asking permission.

If you’re both on the same page about this, then you’re embarking into a realm of heightened pleasure. A short anatomy lesson can be helpful here.

To enter the anus, you have to pass through two sets of anal sphincter muscles. The first set are voluntary muscles, which is why relaxation on the woman’s part is important.

She can put her attention on that external muscle area, and choose to relax those muscles. However, the second ring of muscles is a different story. These internal muscles are involuntary, which means you can’t think your way into releasing them. However, they do respond to gentle, direct pressure.

From your side, Anal Master, knowing how to navigate these muscle rings is important. Playing around the outside of the anus with a well-lubed finger can help the woman concentrate on that area and relax the first sphincter muscles.

Then, gently pressing on the anus for several seconds will release the second set of muscles and allow access inside. For some women who are tense and nervous about this, it may take more time.

Remember to start small, slow, and with a lot of lubricant (particularly a thicker lube made specifically for anal play). With a little preparation, patience, and knowledge, you can definitely become the Anal Master.

Be well,
Dr. Jenn

This Q & A was originally posted over at her blog, Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick. We just love Dr. Dick. He's a sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

He answers a reader question about vaginal versus clitoral orgasms. Considering some women can't even have orgasms, we think this is an essential issue for men and women! Read on.

***

Dear Dr. Dick,

Hello. I just discovered your lovely website and wanted to ask you a question that has been on my mind for a while. I seem to have a problem orgasming without stimulating my clitoris.

I suppose that doesn’t really sound like a problem but it’s really starting to annoy me. I would like to be able to still enjoy an orgasm without having to stimulate my clit every time! I love having sex and it feels super duper good but why can’t I climax that way? I mean I am aware of where my G-spot is located and my boyfriend said he’ll be focusing more on hitting it “spot” on. There’s also another thing I have noticed. Sometimes my boyfriend will hit my cervix and it hurts a bit. Is this even normal? Should he even be able to hit it? Or, is there something abnormal going on here?

Signed,
Wondering

* * *

Dear Wondering,

Let’s see. When you say you “love having sex and it feels super duper good, but why can’t I climax that way?” Are you referring to full-on cock in cooter fucking when you say, “having sex"? The reason I ask is that not everyone means the same thing when they use that trite euphemism.

Since you’re not here to fill in the blanks, so to speak, I’ll assume you want to know why you can’t or haven’t yet had a vaginal orgasm. Before I answer, I just want to say that I hope you are not setting up an orgasmic dichotomy where there doesn’t need to be one. That would truly be unwise.

Ok, now my answer. I can’t really say why your not climaxing while you’re fucking. Other than an exclusively vaginal centered orgasm is a myth. The vast majority of women don’t have vaginal orgasms. In fact, the degree of insensitivity inside a woman’s vagina is so high that Kinsey wrote in his seminal work, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female published back in 1953: “Among the women who were tested in our gynecologic sample, less than 14% were at all conscious that they had been touched.” That’s pretty remarkable, wouldn’t you say?

The vaginal orgasm myth

The vaginal orgasm myth is perpetuated, in part, by women’s confusion and/or lack of knowledge about their own anatomy. Some women believe that an orgasm felt during fucking is centered in their cooch. This suggests to me that they aren’t being precise in locating the center of that orgasm. Other women believe in the vaginal orgasm myth because they think they need to conform to a male oriented notion of female sexuality: insertion + fucking = cuming. And that’s wrong, don’t you know? Just ask all the pre-orgasmic women out there.

But ya know what? I don’t own a pussy myself. All I can tell you is what I have learned from those people who actually have a honeypot. The people I’m referring to, we’ll call them females, tell me vaginal orgasms, mythological or not, may simply be dependent on a tone of a woman’s pelvic musculature. As amazing as pussies are, if the muscles that surround them are not taught and toned enough, a fucking generated orgasm may elude the owner of said pussy.

Some women haven’t developed their PC muscle enough to cum through sex alone. Are you doing your kegels, Wondering? If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then you have some serious remedial research to do. You could start by reading around my site and listen to podcasts that feature information on our pubococcygeus muscle and kegel exercises.

The elusive vaginal orgasm may also have to do with your partner’s cock, particularly the girth of his unit as opposed to its length. My women friends tell me that a thicker cock may have more of a chance triggering a vaginal orgasm then a pencil dick.

No surprise there, I suppose. Position will also play a role. Why not give a bunch of different positions a try and see if they make a difference? You on top cowgirl style, or doggie style might work best. But it’s your vagina, my dear, and you ought to know it best.

As to your G-spot question

That’s another thing all together. I am so glad that you are familiar with your anatomy enough to have found your own personal G-spot. And it’s great to hear that you have an accommodating partner who is working on stimulating this sensitive area. Good for you both! However, while I wholeheartedly endorse and encourage your further investigations and sex play, I do have one caution. I share the concern of my women friends.

We want you to avoid all the G-spot hype floating around in the popular culture these days. Most women have a good time with their G-spot exploration. They report that it is not particularly difficult to find, but it’s also much harder to pleasure. If a woman, you perhaps, gets it in your head that something amazing is supposed to happen with a G-spot stimulation, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. In the same way some women, you perhaps, set themselves up for disappointment if they buy into the myth of an exclusively vaginal generated orgasm.

I encourage you to see your genitals as a whole, not a bunch of separate parts that somehow work independently of one another. If your pussy is happy and your pussy is making you happy, is it really all that important how the happiness comes to be?

In comparison, us men folk are not all that fussy. What gets us off; gets us off. I never hear from a guy who is disappointed because he’s having an exclusively prostate generated orgasm. They do happen to some men, but most of us aren’t the least bit concerned when they don’t happen to us. I also never hear from a guy who thinks he should be orgasmic through manipulation of his balls alone. That can happen too, but we’re not holding our breath for that.

Change your position

What I do hear from guys is that we often need a particular kind of dick-oriented stimulation to get us off. And this is where the men folk and the women folk are much alike. You, like us, probably need a particular kind of stimulation to get you off. Be it vaginal, clitoral, G-spot, or whatever. If you acknowledge your genitals as a composite of parts that work together to bring you joy, then you’ll be less likely to be swayed by the claims, hype and misinformation about female sexual response.

Finally, regarding the issue of your boyfriend hitting your cervix. Yeah, that’ll hurt. I’d be willing to guess that he’s in the wrong position and being too athletic in his pumping when that happens. If he’s bumping your cervix, but you like the depth and athleticism of his manly thrusts, simply change position. That should remedy the problem.

Good luck.

Originally posted on Dr. Dick's blog.

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others.

You have sex questions, we have sex answers. Check out this question answered from one of our favorite sex therapists, Moushumi Ghose!

* * *

Question

Dear GetLusty,

My husband is always working. Whenever he comes home to me (I also work but not as many hours), I just want to have a conversation. Well, by the end of the conversation we end up feeling tired and want to go to bed. It seems like he works too much and doesn't have enough time for me. This makes me feel like I don't want to have sex with him. What should I do? I don't think I can keep living this way without going crazy!

Signed,
Frustrated wife

Answer

Dear Frustrated Wife,

I am terribly sorry to hear that your husband's busy schedule has you wanting to go crazy. My first question is have you talked to your husband about it? I understand you two are having a conversation when he gets home from work, but what is the conversation about?

Tell him how you feel

Having a conversation about the fact that you feel neglected would definitely be the first step. The best way to get the point across is by using "I statements," such as "I feel neglected," or "I feel like I need more of a connection in order to be sexual with you." Then give him some suggestions that help build connections even when time is limited.

Here is the thing, the short amount of interaction you have is just not enough to get you in the mood for sex with your husband. Many women, and men too, need to feel safe, need to feel like their partner has their back in the relationship, need to feel connected to their partner first, if they are to feel sexy with them. If you're husband is taking you for granted, not treating you in any special way to let you know how important you are to him then you're not going to want to return the favor. What people often fail to realize that sex is just another form of expressing to someone how close you feel to them, but the closeness often has to come from other sources. And, the magic is that it doesn't need to take a lot of time.

Try sexting, too

Sometimes words can do just the trick, maybe if you were to hear how beautiful you are, or maybe even some more sexy dirty words or phrases could get you in the mood. If you're husband is terribly busy and doesn't come home till late, why not try some sexting?

It takes less than 60 seconds for him to send you a romantic, sexy, or dirty text during the day, and he can send up anywhere from 3-5 dirty texts in a day, and this may put romance back on both of your minds, without making you feel overly neglected. This way both of your minds are already thinking about each other, and the propensity to be aroused in a short time is greater.

Get creative with foreplay

The key is to get creative with foreplay. Before you two leave for work in the morning, try saying something sexy to each other, keep your mind sexy together, even while you are apart. That way when you do come together it feels like no time has passed.

Best,
Moushumi Ghose

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to rachael@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

You have sex questions, we have sex answers. Check out our question of the week answered from one of our favorite sex therapists, Moushumi Ghose!

* * *

Question

Dear GetLusty,

My husband doesn't make me feel sexy, but I feel like I'm still expected to talk dirty or try to turn him on in other ways. I feel like I'm acting out a play every time we are intimate!

I try things like dressing up to get him more heated during sex and he still doesn't put forth any effort with me. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy sex fully until I feel sexy and wanted by him. We've talked about this a little bit but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from. Do you have any tips for communicating this better to my husband? How can he make me feel more sexy?

Signed,
Feeling unsexy

Answer

Dear Feeling unsexy,

Thank you for your question. And, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't make you feel sexy but that you still feel expected to walk the walk, so to speak.

It sounds like you've tried to make yourself feel sexier by trying on different sexy outfits, but he just expects you to do all the work. My question to you is why do you continue to do all the work? Speak up, speak clearly, and be heard! You are 50% of this relationship and you're voice is important.

#1 Ask yourself - what do you want?

The first thing to do is ask yourself what would make you feel more sexy? Do you like kissing? Or maybe you want more romance, flowers, dinners?

Perhaps you'd like him to tell you that you're beautiful or appreciate your cooking or style of dress. First thing is to know what would make you feel sexier, and get specific about your needs. The next thing to do is to talk to him. Remind him that you will feel more excited about meeting his needs if your needs are also getting met.

#2 Get specific

Remind him this relationship is a two-way street. It's quite possible that he thinks he is already doing everything he needs to.

Unless you are specific about what you want, he has no way of delivering. Spell it out for him. For example, "I want to kiss for 30 seconds every morning with tongue." "I want to hear that I look beautiful right when I wake up in the morning."

And, do keep in mind that the best time to have this talk is during a non-sexual neutral time when the two of you are spending time together, not when you're already in the throes of intimacy. But, you definitely have a voice in this relationship too. Don't be afraid to use it.

#3 Barter

Third, ask him what he wants and strike up a barter. For example, if you want more kissing, or more romantic gestures you can then strike up a deal with him. For example, "I will give you (insert what he wants here) if we kiss for 30 seconds in the morning." Ask him to give you a specific directive of what he wants.

So, just to review:

1. Know what turns you on and makes you feel sexy. Get in touch with yourself and your needs first.
2. Communicate it to him and be really specific. You have a voice that needs to be heard.
3. Ask him what he wants in return. Let him know his needs are important and don't be afraid to barter.

This way, he gets what he wants and you get what you want. It's a win-win situation!

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question of your own? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

thethrifters

Would a Threesome Hurt My Relationship?

Why Don't I Like His Cum Anymore?

5 Most Common Sex Questions & Answers

How Do I Get Him to Last Longer? These 3 Ways

How to Tell My Wife I Enjoy Slow Sex?

How Do I Give My Lady Better Butt Love?

Ladies, Are You Orgasming? Dr. Dick Answers

Q: Am I Too Busy for Sex?

Q: Can My Hubby Make Me Feel Sexier?

Popular Post

Blog Archive