5 Tips on Communication During Sex

It takes practice to talk about the kind of sex life we want. It might even take several conversations for a couple to confront a difficult topic or to really explore the depths of a proposed addition to the sexual repertoire. But eventually it's time to do something about all of these conversations. Some of you communication-phobes out there might be thinking, "I am so glad I don't have to talk anymore and we can just get to it!" Well, bad news in the short-term but good news for your long-term sex life: the conversation is not over. GetLusty staff writer Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Since leaving my job to go back to school, I've to learn how to cook in my extra time at home. My husband has always been the chef and I had been thinking that it was time I learned how to fend for myself. So I spend time before the meal preparing, obviously. Chopping, stirring, sauteeing, learning how to time all the components so it's all ready at the same time. But my job isn't done when we sit down to eat. Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!

You can see where this is going. "Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!" becomes, "Do you want it faster or slower? Do you need more lube? Shit, I forgot my beer!"

Well, sex is also like that. Below are 5 ways to keep the conversation going during sex.

#1 Find a sexy way to ask for what you want

If what you want to share with your partner is a request, don't sheepishly beg your case. Confidence is sexy. You don't have to bring whatever you are doing physically to a screeching halt to state your demands, either. "Why don't you flip me over and..." without missing a beat says lusty, sexy confidence. If you're comfortable with dirty talk, use it to your advantage here.

#2 Don't be afraid of laughter
 

Someone is going to sneeze during sex. Or fall off the bed. Or mention lasagna at an inappropriate time (to his credit, that only happened once).

But if we only accept perfectly candle-lit romantic comedy sex as successful sex, we're always going to fall short. Those scenes are shot until they are perfect. But they aren't real.

You are real, and that is perfect. Acknowledge that life happens, even during sex, and sometimes it is funny. Ignoring it only makes you feel awkward. And hungry for lasagna.

#3 If something is uncomfortable, make it known

How many of us have suffered through a sex position that didn't quite work for us just because we didn't want to ruin the mood? Probably too many of us, really. But while we may have been getting our partner off, we were nowhere close to orgasm. In fact, we had a charlie horse, or our hair was trapped under an elbow and being pulled, or the angle was just off. You don't have to screech and break everyone's concentration. If some slight physical maneuvering on your part doesn't solve the problem, a gentle hand can guide your partner's elbow out of your eye ball. Or, a quiet "Babe, to the left" is not offensive. If you've got a good partner, they'll want you moaning rather than wincing through the experience.

#4 Be positive, not critical

It's true. Sometimes, we just aren't on the same page with our partners. We're not feeling it, they seem tired or distracted, and we're just not hitting our groove.

If communicating during sex doesn't seem to be moving things along, it is easy to get frustrated. But please refrain from taking it out on your partner during sex. This is a vulnerable place for many people. And if your "slow down" becomes a "do you really have to go so fast all the time?!" I can guarantee your partner will slow down--to an abrupt stop.

#5 Be a good listener

Listening is just as important as sharing. Sharing takes courage. Honor that by hearing it out. Start trying to listen for your partner's non-verbal communication. Moans, sighs, body language. It's a real advantage in a long-term relationship. Take advantage!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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How-to Get Better Sexual Feedback (Post-Sex)

The moments post-sex are different for every couple. They even vary within the same couple. Maybe you fling yourselves to opposite sides of the bed, too sensitive to be touched for a while. Perhaps you don't move apart at all and remain tangled until you fall asleep. Maybe you high five. Maybe you scamper to the bathroom and emerge to find your partner naked in the kitchen devouring leftovers.

But what if you had thoughts about sex? Did something surprise you, and you want to talk about it? Feedback is an essential component to successful sexual relationships, so our communication series addresses these specific issues! Mary Margaret-Sweene is here with 5 ways to improve your communication after sex.

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Sometimes you're caught up in a sentimental rush of oxytocin and sometimes you're even unsatisfied. But either way, tread carefully when discussing sex while he's eating cold pizza in his birthday suit.

Rounding out our series on sexual communication (last article was on pre-sex communication), we're tackling the after-sex dialogue. This conversation is extremely important. Maybe it's a long discussion that becomes a new talking point in your ongoing back-and-forth. Maybe it's as simple as "Yep, that really worked for me." But feedback is crucial. Here are five points to keep in mind.

#1 Timing is key

If your partner is prone to falling asleep shortly after sex and you need to offer more than a quick positive affirmation, ask if you can talk in the morning. Make time. And if you are the sleepy partner, try to remember to feel your partner out. If they seem like they have something to say, ask. If you are able to stay awake and have the conversation, try. Or make an appointment for tomorrow. This will show that you are honoring your intimacy and not just the physical aspect of your sex life.

#2 Don't be shy

Your partner just saw you with one leg over your head and he said nasty, delightful things to you. Hold onto that openness! Because it feels good, we are willing to do things that make us very vulnerable during sex. But then for a lot of us, that shuts down as soon as we throw the sex toy back in the night stand. Don't be afraid to praise your partner with specifics. Challenge yourself to move from "That was really good. You know, when you did the thing? With the thing?" to "I really loved when you suggested the toy. It felt amazing. Maybe next time I can use it on you. How do you feel about that?"

#3 Don't be shy---but be respectful

Undoubtedly, not all of your feedback is going to be positive all the time. I know I'm going to have a good day when my husband starts it by pulling out the juicer. But once he made a juice combination so vile, the story lives on in our relationship dubbed "The Death Juice Morning." We're not always having amazing apple-carrot-grape juice sex, are we? If something really didn't work for you, you need to speak up. You owe that to your partner so they know how to please you, and you owe it to yourself so you can enjoy sex. But don't come out swinging. In hindsight, I could have handled The Death Juice Morning very differently. Instead of spitting the stuff into the sink and shrieking "It tastes like death!" I could have politely swallowed or spit back into my cup and said, "Wow--are you sure that was the recipe your dad gave you?" Similarly, "Why the hell would you just smack my ass like that?" can become "Babe, I know you were just excited but I'm not really into slapping. Or maybe not so hard."

#4 Touch

If some of your feedback involves how your partner can touch you differently, don't be afraid to take their hand and show them, versus exhausting your vocabulary of adjectives and verbs. You still may be too sensitive after orgasm for that, but if possible, a visual is really helpful. Also, especially if you're tackling a difficult subject, hold hands. Cuddle. Sex can bring up a lot of emotions and memories for people. Let your partner know that even if what they are sharing is scary, you are right there with them.

#5 Keep talking

Talking about sex doesn't have to happen immediately after a sexual encounter. It doesn't even have to be specific to a sexual encounter. The goal is to create an ongoing dialogue where the "before sex" and "after sex" conversations almost become indistinguishable. No matter how long ago your last sexual experience or how far in the future the next one is, you're communicating.

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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5 Tips for Communicating Effectively Pre-Sex

By necessity, those involved in BDSM adhere to strict rules around consent. As our writer Rachel reported, couples may work off some sort of contract to get the conversation going. This is paramount in negotiating and then thoroughly enjoying a lusty, fulfilling kinky sex life. But what if you aren't into kink? Does that mean you don't have to communicate before sex?

In our latest series "Communication 101", we are diving into the communication you need to have before, during and after sex. Up first? Our Mary-Margaret McSweene is here with 5 ways on how to communicate before doing the deed.

Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Assumptions, unfortunately, seem to rule when it comes to sex, and something it's just fine. Sometimes things go completely wrong. But why are we letting "completely wrong" or "just fine" be the limits of our sex lives? What if a short conversation could help us avoid "completely wrong" entirely and turn "just fine" into "mind-blowing"?

#1 Talk before sex  

The first time I slept with my now-husband, it was planned. Achingly so. After an interaction cut short due to a late bus from Indianapolis (don't worry about it), I told him in no uncertain terms, to report back to my apartment the following Friday night. We spent seven days sending giddy texts. Yet it wasn't until that night, when things were too heated for normal conversation that I blurted out, "Uh, is there anything I should know about before this happens?"

This is coming from a trained sex educator, folks. It was not my proudest moment. But when would I have had time, with the night we'd shared canoodling in the booth of the bar after his show, giggling all the way to the train, and the block from the station to my apartment?

Or, say, during the past 7 days when we both knew this was going to happen! Thankfully my husband is a trust-worthy guy and his response of "Uh, huh-uh. You?"was true. But just about any other time would have been a better choice. Same goes for all health concerns, really. Don't wait until it comes to blurting out "I'm going down on you because I can't have sex tonight! I have a UTI!"to your unknowing partner. Mood killer, I'll assure you. Instead, when you realize things might be headed towards sex, you can simply say "I'd prefer to just go down on you tonight. That's what I really want right now." That sounds a lot sexier.

#2 Don't bring up the "ex"

While some couples may get off on it, the vast majority probably don't like to wallow in memories of lovers past. If your ex did something incredible in bed (or the shower, or the attic crawl space), no need to frame it as a piece from a past relationship you're trying to salvage. Claim it as part of your sexual repertoire and suggest it. This isn't college. No need to cite your sources.


#3 Discuss limits

Most of us have things that we are not willing to do. You don't need to apologize for this. But you do need to let your partner know. If you've spent your entire relationship crossing your fingers that your partner wouldn't suggest a certain activity, you need to stop crossing and start talking. You can work together to find alternatives that meet both of your needs. And anxiety during sex is not something you need at all.

#4 Throw out some ideas to gauge reaction

It's amazing how many couples just...start having sex. Without ever talking about it. Not at first and not ever. I think a lot of us assume what "normal" sex is, and we just act accordingly. What could you be missing? Maybe nothing--but don't you want to be sure? Throw out some ideas to your partner without bias. You may be surprised by which ideas get a response. You may be surprised by what they suggest. Nothing ends boring like learning something completely new and sexy about your partner. If you're too shy to have the conversation, try starting it off by both making a list of ideas and trading. You can even preface the exercise with writing down different things to possibly try. It doesn't have to be a list of things you know you want to do, but anything that might come to your mind. This takes away some of the pressure that every single suggestion is some telling piece of your psyche.

#5 Be respectful

Phones are off. TV turns off. Facebook is out of the question too. While some distraction may help ease the tension, make it something that you can easily talk through. True story: my mom had the "Facts of Life" talk with me in the car. And thereafter, whenever I had a question about sex, I waited until we were on the way home from something. There was enough separation, but we were still there together, and we were alone. And most importantly, once you get your partner opening up, don't shut them down. It takes a lot of courage to lend voice to our sexual selves. Honor that.

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer.

Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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