5 Tips for Communicating Effectively Pre-Sex

By necessity, those involved in BDSM adhere to strict rules around consent. As our writer Rachel reported, couples may work off some sort of contract to get the conversation going. This is paramount in negotiating and then thoroughly enjoying a lusty, fulfilling kinky sex life. But what if you aren't into kink? Does that mean you don't have to communicate before sex?

In our latest series "Communication 101", we are diving into the communication you need to have before, during and after sex. Up first? Our Mary-Margaret McSweene is here with 5 ways on how to communicate before doing the deed.

Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Assumptions, unfortunately, seem to rule when it comes to sex, and something it's just fine. Sometimes things go completely wrong. But why are we letting "completely wrong" or "just fine" be the limits of our sex lives? What if a short conversation could help us avoid "completely wrong" entirely and turn "just fine" into "mind-blowing"?

#1 Talk before sex  

The first time I slept with my now-husband, it was planned. Achingly so. After an interaction cut short due to a late bus from Indianapolis (don't worry about it), I told him in no uncertain terms, to report back to my apartment the following Friday night. We spent seven days sending giddy texts. Yet it wasn't until that night, when things were too heated for normal conversation that I blurted out, "Uh, is there anything I should know about before this happens?"

This is coming from a trained sex educator, folks. It was not my proudest moment. But when would I have had time, with the night we'd shared canoodling in the booth of the bar after his show, giggling all the way to the train, and the block from the station to my apartment?

Or, say, during the past 7 days when we both knew this was going to happen! Thankfully my husband is a trust-worthy guy and his response of "Uh, huh-uh. You?"was true. But just about any other time would have been a better choice. Same goes for all health concerns, really. Don't wait until it comes to blurting out "I'm going down on you because I can't have sex tonight! I have a UTI!"to your unknowing partner. Mood killer, I'll assure you. Instead, when you realize things might be headed towards sex, you can simply say "I'd prefer to just go down on you tonight. That's what I really want right now." That sounds a lot sexier.

#2 Don't bring up the "ex"

While some couples may get off on it, the vast majority probably don't like to wallow in memories of lovers past. If your ex did something incredible in bed (or the shower, or the attic crawl space), no need to frame it as a piece from a past relationship you're trying to salvage. Claim it as part of your sexual repertoire and suggest it. This isn't college. No need to cite your sources.


#3 Discuss limits

Most of us have things that we are not willing to do. You don't need to apologize for this. But you do need to let your partner know. If you've spent your entire relationship crossing your fingers that your partner wouldn't suggest a certain activity, you need to stop crossing and start talking. You can work together to find alternatives that meet both of your needs. And anxiety during sex is not something you need at all.

#4 Throw out some ideas to gauge reaction



It's amazing how many couples just...start having sex. Without ever talking about it. Not at first and not ever. I think a lot of us assume what "normal" sex is, and we just act accordingly. What could you be missing? Maybe nothing--but don't you want to be sure? Throw out some ideas to your partner without bias. You may be surprised by which ideas get a response. You may be surprised by what they suggest. Nothing ends boring like learning something completely new and sexy about your partner. If you're too shy to have the conversation, try starting it off by both making a list of ideas and trading. You can even preface the exercise with writing down different things to possibly try. It doesn't have to be a list of things you know you want to do, but anything that might come to your mind. This takes away some of the pressure that every single suggestion is some telling piece of your psyche.

#5 Be respectful

Phones are off. TV turns off. Facebook is out of the question too. While some distraction may help ease the tension, make it something that you can easily talk through. True story: my mom had the "Facts of Life" talk with me in the car. And thereafter, whenever I had a question about sex, I waited until we were on the way home from something. There was enough separation, but we were still there together, and we were alone. And most importantly, once you get your partner opening up, don't shut them down. It takes a lot of courage to lend voice to our sexual selves. Honor that.



Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer.

Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.