thethrifters: fifty shades

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Top 14 Traits of a Dominant

Do you know what it takes to be a dominant? Exchanging power in a relationship can both highten your awareness of power, and can make you both appreciate each other. Why not try out a little bit of dominance or role play? Not familiar with BDSM yet? No worries! Here are a few articles that will get you all caught up: Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM. Master Anakin, from Journey to the Darkside, defines 14 traits of a dominant partner.

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#1 Responsible

You have to be responsible for yourself and for your submissive. You're the one responsible for developing a plan to move both of you forward in submission- a plan to grow.

#2 Energetic

You've got to be action oriented, the opposite of lazy. You need to be tireless, or else when you have a spanking to deal with at the end of an 18 hour day, well, you've failed yourself and your submissive. Follow through or forget it.

#3 Communicative

Be honest about your feelings. Don't give the submissive the sunshine and roses line if you're in a bad mood and are disappointed in her submission. You've got to also be able to draw out the submissive's innermost feelings, fears and hopes.

This can be extremely difficult, as the submissive can sometimes be completely unaware of their own feelings, as you can be of yours. Dig deep and be honest and you'll grow.

#4 Empathetic

If you can't empathize with your submissive, to see things from their perspective, than how can you give them what they want and need? You must talk at length to know them better than they know themselves.

#5 Self-awareness

A Dominant is hardly perfect, and will make mistakes- don't think otherwise. Be aware of your failings, and work on them just as much as you work on your submissive's feelings. Grace and humility go a long way.

#6 Perseverance

You must never, ever let it go; this goes hand in hand with consistency; you can't fight your submissive for three days to achieve a level of submission then just give up. You've got to push until you get a breakthrough no matter how long it takes. You can't give up or give your submissive the sense that you will ever give up in doing what is best for you both.

#7 Desire to learn

As a Dominant, you never just wake up and know it all as an instant expert on dominance, submission, implements of pain and pleasure, positions, knots, and the lifestyle. You have got to learn. Learn lots, and never ever bluff that you know it all; nobody does.

#8 Intelligence

You need to have the emotional intelligence and raw intellect to be smarter than your submissive, at least the majority of the time. If the submissive can play you for a fool, how can you be the teacher and guide in life?

#9 Strength

You've got to have the strength of will and leadership qualities to overcome the difficulties that always, always come your way in being a Dominant. Own them and deal with them with this strength.

#10 Interest

You've got to want to be a dominant. In my opinion, without desire or a hunger to be someone's dominant, you aren't a dom. Unless you are wanting it, you wont put in the time to learn and grow as a Dominant; to follow through on all you need to do; you'll resent it, and you won't do it well.

#11 Character

A general quality but important nevertheless. You must have honesty, integrity, and be respectful of others at all times. If you do not then how can you expect your submissive to show you any integrity and character? How will they learn?

#12 A sense of humor

If you can't laugh at yourself when you've just given a dominant look to your submissive and are approaching your submissive with the paddle in hand when you slip and fall on your ass from the KY you spilled on the floor, well, you just don't get it.

#13 A sense of justice, fairness, and balance

Being a Dominant isn't barking orders and sitting on your ass eating chips while watching the game. You work hard too, harder than your submissive. If your submissive has had a day from hell, maybe it isn't the day to start a new and harsh training regimen. Knowing when to ease up is a true art; do it too much, or never, and you'll not be doing your job.

#14 Consistent

If you'll punish something one time and let it go another, what's a submissive supposed to think, or learn, or do? I'd be lost too if I didn't know what to expect day to day.

This was a guest-post from Anakin and Padme Amidala at Journey to the Dark Side. Their blog explores their life together, BDSM, erotic imagery, polyamory, and their true sexual and spanking adventures...with an awesome Star Wars theme! Anakin and Padme have been together for 15 years and married for 7 of them.

Now that you've heard about Fifty Shades of Grey, you might be wondering if BDSM is going to be a big investment. Well, to do it right, leather and suede whips and high-quality corsets are beautiful and well worth their price tag. But if you're just getting into it, we recommend trying BDSM out for size first. GetLusty's UK-based Sara Albaladejo explains more.

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So after having a chat about it you and your hubby are up for trying some BDSM, brilliant! The idea of being tied gets both of you in the dirty mood. You can almost feel the teasing of that flogger along your thighs leaving you breathless… Hold on, you don’t have any of those leathery, kinky toys? Don’t worry, we are going to give you some inexpensive ideas that will turn any object in a potential tool of pleasure!

Game of sensations

You can start to heat up the engine through playing with the sensations of your lover, make him or her beg for more! Although you can use flavors and scents to create different reactions, the skin is the largest organ in your body, why not take advantage of it? Increasing its sensitivity will get you ready to feel the experience to the highest level. Have a look inside your closet, I bet you can easily find the following three items.

- Scarf: use it to slowly caress the whole of the body. The sensation it creates depends on the thickness of the skin and the amount of nerves you are touching, use it wisely. Try going from her knees to her pussy and up to her breasts, it will make her shiver with pleasure.

- Feathers: Are you ticklish? Get a smile out of your man! It will make both of you feel comfortable and relaxed.

- Studded belt: Is the previous too soft for you? Give your old punkie belt a second chance. Vary the pressure you apply but be careful if the spikes you are using are likely to damage the skin of your lover, we don't like blood in our sheets!

Get tied up

One of Anna and Christian’s favorite sex practices. How many times has she been tied up and handcuffed before having orgasm after orgasm? Bondage has always been a big one in BDSM and it is definitely worth adding to your bedroom repertoire.

- Tie: Easy, cheap and sexy. Take it off his shirt in the middle of an enticing kiss, swing it around your finger, slide your hands through it and give him a cheeky look. By that point he should have got the hint. Get yourself ready.

- Rope/laces: About to throw those trainers? Keep the laces because they may come in handy soon. Would you like a collar for that pussycat? Go for a sexy shop with your couple to your dollar-store, you will probably find this and much more for a few bucks (in case you are using plastic or rough material remember to watch out for friction burns!).

- Tights: Another piece of clothes you should slide off her with a dirty look and a dirtier purpose. Try tracing wet kisses up and down those legs before tying her hands up.

Turn the lights off

Are you afraid of darkness? Here's the best way to cure it: close your eyes and let the rest of your senses have control of your body.

- Fabric: If the clothes you are wearing are too expensive to be torn off in the heat of the passion, tear an old t-shirt off to get an on-the-go blindfold.

- Sleep mask: Worried about your beauty sleep? Check out our article on 9 surprising health benefits of sex and give that sleeping mask a better use. After what is waiting for you your body will be so relaxed that you won’t need it anymore.

- Hands: challenge her/his self-control and reward accordingly. If you move, Miss Steele, Christian won’t have mercy upon you.

Enjoy smacking their ass

The raw sound of the hit. The touch of his hand against your hot naked skin. The moan of pleasure bursting out your lips… If you aren’t already loving being spanked or the simple act of spanking, you are wasting time!

- Hair brush: Be greedy and enjoy both sides of your hair brush; use the bristles to caress your lover’s skin and the flat part to give that naughty ass what it deserves.

- Slippers: As a kid I was always threatened to be spanked with a slipper if I misbehaved. Who would have said that I was going to enjoy it this much as an adult?

- Belt: Not for the faint of heart. Once you feel comfortable with your spanking technique (and I’m sure you will have loads of practice!) try using a plain belt to get a harder hit,
you will soon see those butt-cheeks
wiggling in surprise and delight.

Thanks to Korean Fashion for photo #1, Shirtskey for photo #2 and Padme Amidala's Journey to the Darkside for photo #3!

Sara is our resident, sexy British-Spanish writer. After finishing high school she followed the family tradition of becoming a teacher, and graduated as a Foreign Language Primary Teacher in 2011. Since then she has been living in the UK, where she copes with the British weather with her loving boyfriend. She is passionate about writing and was awarded various contests in Spain (where she was born) and has also been recognized one of the best writers of her age in her region in 2010. She loves taking her camera out whenever she can, as photography is another of her hobbies.

Here at GetLusty, we're all about loving better. It feels like it's been too long since we've given you some fantasy ideas. List time, it was a list of 5 Fifty Shades inspired fantasies. Here, we offer part 2 of that list. Settle in and get comfy as we present you with five more surly sexy fantasies. Try out some of these awesome fantasies with your lover and enjoy the benefits of a sex life renewed. No need to thank us. Our Crimson Love reports.

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1. Food Sex

In Fifty Shades of Grey, Christian Grey always made sure that his love Anna ate. There seemed to never be a lack of good food in the book. Wouldn't it be amazingly sexy if you and your man had a night of cooking together? Make delicious food, feed each other and eat off of each other? I am talking main course and dessert! Sure it can be messy but that's part of the fun! Plus, you and your honey and enjoy a nice sexy together afterwards.

2. Night club Frisky Business

In the Fifty shades series there is trip to Aspen. During this trip Christian, Anna and their friends and family go to an exclusive, fabulous night club and enjoy an evening of fun. This can be very sexy. A little liquid courage, darkness, and bass so strong you feel it in your loins. Couple that with a crowded dance floor, swaying hips, strong longing, and roaming hands for the perfect cocktail of inconspicuous dance floor frisky business.

3. Kinky Couch Play a la Fifty Shades

This one is pulled directly from the Fifty Shades series itself. There is a scene where Christian ties Anna to a couch, spread eagle and makes her play with herself while he watches.

After he has had his fill of watching her he unties he and they have a hot steamy session right in the couch. The idea of arousing your lover by putting on a show seems unnerving but sexy and empowering all at the same time.

4. Playing on Top

If being on top is not your usual position when it comes to sex this would be great to try. Own the role, take control and have fun. If your lover is adventurous ask to be able to tie them up and blind fold them for some kinky foreplay. When foreplay is done and you're moving to the main course be confident, in control and demand nothing less than amazing, delicious sex.

5. Car sex

This may seem like it's a play from your amateur teen years. Yet, revisiting this as an adult doesn't make it any less fun. A deserted parking lot, you and your lover, and with the right positions--fun times had by all. It will make you feel like a kid again and infuse some excitement back into your sex life. Maybe you'll get caught? As long as you're doing it right, it'll be just fine. Do remember our tips for having sex in public.

Have your own suggestions, questions or comments, do comment below!

This is a guest post by GetLusty for Couples' staff writer Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com.

GetLusty is all about meeting new kinky people! If you wanna get out there and find some like minded sexual deviants, there's plenty of events just for that purpose. Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg host a variety of classes on sexuality. This week's class is on networking and GetLusty's event writer Greg Dorn has the details.

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Just as people come in all shapes and sizes, so do our sexual appetites. For people who want to expand their sexual resume, for people who need something a little bit more wild, or for people who are simply curious and looking for something fun to do, you should show up at Taboo Tabou this Wednesday at 7pm. Don't be shy.

The What

Networking for Kinky People: Learn how to function in various sexual subcommunities including polygamy and swinging. In most social settings, it is very difficult to be open and find people who are interested in the same sexy activities as you. This class gives you a chance to learn how to maneuvere those communities, in which you can find someone to join you in exploring your most intimate desires!

The Who

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes.

Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime in his perverted adventures.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, sex blogger, sexpert, adult sexuality educator and accidental superhero. Along with Ken, she is one of the infamous Northwestern Fucksaw Four and is the proud owner of that fucksaw heard around the world.

On any given weekend you can find Sunny hosting Red Light District Sex Tours and bachelorette parties for Weird Chicago Tours. She also teaches various sexuality workshops around the country including: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, How to Give a World Class BlowJob, Exploring Non-Monogamy, ZAP! Electrical Play, The Female Orgasm, and Junk For Your Junk: Sex Toys 101.

Although Sunny covers various subjects, her specialties are the female orgasm and alternative sexuality— from LGBTQ topics to swinging, BDSM, nontraditional relationships, extreme toys, g-spot techniques and more. She particularly enjoys helping those curious about adding a little spice to their sex lives that aren’t sure where to begin.

Where and When

Don't fret, the next class is this Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at Lakeview's Taboo Tabou starting at 7pm. Tickets are sold at the door, but reserve your spot now by clicking on this link. Be sure to check out their other upcoming events. All classes are held upstairs in the Salon Cabaret, and require a $10 class fee.

For more classes, and Chicago sex tours, please check out Ken and Sunny here. Just remember to leave your inhibitions at the door. Trust me, you'll be in good hands.

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This is a guest post by our own Greg Dorn. Greg is a self-employed day trader who loves writing. He aims to think about sex whenever possible, including enhancing his own love life! If you don't see Greg crunching numbers, you'll find him enjoying the beauty of his wonderful girlfriend around Chicago. Greg also writes for a History of Cool, a perspective on the changing definition of cool. Besides sex and numbers, Greg geeks out on the ever-changing analytical definition of coolness. Find Greg on Twitter @ahistoryofcool.

Though Shades of Grey September is long over, we're still fantasizing. And what better time than a Sunday to read erotic stories for foreplay? Dr. Limor Michelmen, our favorite saucy doctor, is here to take you on an erotic journey. Read on.

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I have been living in my apartment for two years now, but for some reason, even in this new, beautiful building, the construction never ends.

The one thing I never really found aversive, to say the least, is the sexy presence of the construction workers. Something about a strong man in a hard hat always titillates me.

I get in the elevator with Joe, Mark and Jason. They’re all dressed in their heavy gear, greeting me as I nod my head, smile and stand in front of them.

I have fantasized about each and every one of them so many times. It almost feels like they can read my mind. I’m wearing my low-cut, back revealing blouse, so I’m thinking, "My semi-nudity will excite them, sans exposing my extreme arousal," as I brush against Joe’s arm, entering the elevator.

They gentlemanly allow me to exit first, I drop one side of my blouse and reveal a tanned shoulder, Mark sighs, just enough for me to hear it.

As I walk in the garage, my panties are already drenched. I’m checking my watch: I have an hour to get to work. I have a choice of a quick pleasuring session in my car, or a relaxing cup of coffee, but after this elevator ride, the choice is clear. I’m getting in my car, lowering my sit to get comfortable and checking the garage. “Good I’m all alone." Tinting my windows was probably my best gift this year, given the fact that these guys have been keeping me so hot and bothered lately.

I pull my little pink rabbit out of the glove compartment and pull down my jeans. I’m so wet, I don’t even need to lubricate my throbbing hole. The rabbit slides in smoothly and closes tightly on my engorged clit. I choose my favorite elevator fantasy to get myself going:

I enter the elevator as I did this morning, the three Gods of sexual healing are standing there, flashing their hot, muscular arms and sweaty chests. Mark reaches over and turns a key, the elevator stops between floors.

My favorite, Joe, runs his rugged hand down my shivering back, coming closer and kissing my neck. “You know where this is going baby, don’t you?” he whispers in my ear. My nipples are about to tear my blouse, my heart races as I nod. Breathless. Jason pushes over and stands in front of me, slipping his hands under my blouse, grabbing my breasts and pinching my eager nipples.

"Oh honey, I think you’re ready for us, right? Just relax sweetheart, we’ll take good care of you," he promises, as he unzips my jeans, not taking his eyes of mine.

Joe starts peeling my blouse, exposing and caressing my breasts.

Mark is smiling as he pulls out a very large erection, and starts caressing his shaft. “You are even hotter than we imagined darling,” he compliments me and speeds his thrust. Jason gets down on his knees and pushes my soaked thong aside. “Look at this beautiful, wet hole. How excited are you now honey?” he is shoving two fingers into my quivering vagina, I’m so turned on, I just want to scream and beg him to fuck me.

He plays with my swollen clit, pushing his fingers in and out of me, then peels my panties off and starts lavishly licking my wetness. His stubbly, semi bearded face, is soaked in my juices, he seems to enjoy it immensely, but not nearly as much as I do. I’m just about to cum, as Joe decides to torture me and stops eating my pussy. I’m staring at him, like a child that lost her favorite doll.

“Don’t worry princess. It’s better to extend your pleasure, you really think we’ll leave you hanging?”

Mark and Jason place me comfortably on the elevator floor, and rotate positions. Now Mark is in charge of my clitoral pleasure. He’s doing a very good job.

Jason and Joe get down on their knees, placing their enormous erections close to my eager mouth. “Oh God boys, I can’t wait to swallow both of you. I have been fantasizing about tasting you for so long!" Joe is super excited, thrusting his shaft fast. I grab both in my hands and start rotating them in my mouth, occasionally fitting both of them together, to the best of my capacity.

My mouth is small and they find it thrilling, watching me struggle with their large erections.

I’m shoving my rabbit harder in my hole, pulling its power all the way to the top. I’m just about to cum wildly, as an alarming knock on the tinted window, throws me off my upcoming, well anticipated, orgasm.

It’s him, it’s Joe… turns out he has been watching me for a while, now what? I pull out my wet rabbit and place it under my seat. I pull down my blouse and crack open the window, looking all flushed and breathing heavily.

“Hi Joe, what’s up?” A part of me hoping to make this go away, while another is craving his beautiful big cock inside me.

“Oh honey, you know we’re way past pleasantries, right? Come out of the car, we’re alone here.” I must be crazy, I do as he orders. We’re standing very close, our bodies almost touch. I can smell his sweet aftershave.

“I know you want me, baby. And you definitely know you make my cock hard every time you swing by with that delicious, sexy body. So what do you say? Forget masturbating in the car and let me fuck you senseless?”

Oh, well! Now that he put it so subtly, I nod positively, whispering “please fuck me” in his ear.

“Get down on your knees sugar, I’m going to fuck your mouth!"

I oblige quickly, this only makes me more excited! I have been robbed out of my “almost climax” twice now, but this agonizing anticipation is glorious to me.

He pulls his big erection out of his pants, I place it firmly in my small hands and start licking his throbbing head, placing it in my mouth, on my lips, playing it with my tongue while caressing his scrotum. He gasps in pleasure, I feel him growing in my hands. I start eating him, pushing his huge head deep inside my mouth and throat. “Oh baby, you’re so good, take me all the way in. Please don’t stop!”

I play with him, pulling him out and then quickly placing him back in the moist warmth of my mouth, consuming him almost completely. “I would love to cum in your mouth honey, but I know I stopped you mid pleasure, so I’ll be fair."

I keep shoving his erection in my mouth until he forces me to stop. He grabs my charged body, peels down my jeans and throws me on the hood of the car. “Let me devour this beautiful pussy of yours."

He starts pleasuring me, his tongue going up and down my swollen lips, enveloping my clit.

His hands find my breasts, pinch my nipples and caress my entire flushed body. I can’t stand it anymore, I need to feel him inside me.

“Are you ready for me baby?” his strong arms turn me around swiftly. He positions me on the hood, shoving his fingers in my extremely wet hole, opening me up some more, with a wet finger in my anus.

I gasp with anticipation as he cleaves my quivering pussy with his enormous cock. “Fuck me baby, oh god. I’ve been craving this for so long” I scream.

“Take it honey, take my 10 inches all the way, that’s right. You look so gorgeous." We cum together, wet fluids cover our thighs. He picks me up, kisses me passionately and places me slowly on my feet, I’m floating...

Dr. Limor Blockman is a world-renowned clinical sex counselor, practicing as a relationship and family counselor, a sex educator, advice columnist, speaker and author. She holds a PhD in Human Sexuality, an MA in public health and community medicine, and a BA in psychology and behavioral sciences. She has published three bestselling books (published in Hebrew) and reaches people worldwide through print, TV, radio, Internet and video. Find out more about Limor through her website, Facebook or follow her on Twitter @DoctorLimor.

Do 'Vanilla' and 'Kinky' Sex Crossover?

We have used the terms "vanilla" and "kink" a lot around here. But, why should we be so exclusive? Plenty of people out there could fall into both categories and not even know it! Sunny Megatron, sex educator and sex expert, wants to rid us of those two words because we all have a little vanilla and a little kink in us. Its not fair to corner yourself to only one side. We written extensively on BDSM, and Sunny Megatron is our sex educator extraordinaire, so read on!
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When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real “us” and “them” attitude. It’s like the Sharks and the Jets (Yes, I’m showing my age . . . and my love for musicals. Quiet, or I’ll dance fight your ass). If you’re one, you can’t be the other. You should never let it be known you occasionally associate with the opposing side, right? Look how badly that turned out for Tony and Maria. It’s also assumed if you’re on one side, you think the other is less than worthy. Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.

I can’t tell you how many times a self identified vanilla has asked me, “How do I tell my partner I want some new things in bed? I’ve never told them I like some light spanks and nibbles— even a hand on the throat sometimes. I’d love for them to take charge a bit more and be more demanding. I also really enjoy role-playing. But don’t think I’m into, like, *makes the face* BDSM or anything. All that crazy stuff is just too freaky for me!”

Clothing

I’m not sure what most people think BDSM is? Sawing people in half while wearing all leather? Let’s examine a few “other side” observations about BDSM: The Outfits Practicing BDSM does not require special clothing. Yes, I’ve heard people say, “How silly would I look practicing S&M!? No one wants to see my muffin-top popping through a latex catsuit!” Or “I wouldn’t mind taking charge a little bit, it could be fun— but there’s no way I’d even try kink because of those outlandish get-ups they wear!”

You can be naked, in work clothes, lingerie, jeans and a sassy sweater, a baseball uniform, a space suit– whatever you like! The clothes in no way define the action. Yes, the leather and whips are what we see in porn, magazines and on TV— that’s because it’s flashy (and hot to spank it to). It’s also a stereotype. Nope, I don’t want to see my muffin-top in a catsuit either and I can’t walk in heels to save my life– but I still practice BDSM. I often do it in the ratty old nightgown I got from Old Navy.

BDSM acronym explained

The Acronym BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline/Dominance & Submission/Sadism & Masochism. It can be one or more of these things but for many it’s rarely all. Sometimes do you like your lover to take charge, pin you up against the wall and give you direction? That’s dominance and submission.

Do you like to give your partner a smack on the ass or hold them a bit tightly? What about a little bite or nibble? Have you ever left a little mark that’s visible the next day? Sadism! If you like receiving, that’s masochism.

Do you enjoy restraining your lover? Pinning their hands behind their back or above their head? Perhaps tying their wrists or ankles together with a scarf or tie? Bondage!

If you have done any of these things, you are practicing elements of BDSM without even realizing it.

Also, kinky people do not necessarily like every kind of freaky activity under the sun (most don’t). Just because you enjoy being tied up every once and a while does not mean you also have to like pain and vice versa. If you are into the BD but not the SM you are still technically considered a practitioner of BDSM. It’s a common misconception that people have to be into the B, the D, the S and the M to be considered kinky.

The gear

Many assume you need to have: expensive floggers, whips, ball gags and a saw-a-person-in-half machine to effectively practice BDSM. Have you ever used a scarf or tie to blindfold a partner? Yes? Then you’ve engaged in sensory deprivation on a dime!

Use that same scarf or tie to restrain their hands or feet— we’re back to bondage again. What about that French maid costume from three Halloweens ago you got out that one night to surprise your partner just for kicks? Sexual roleplay! You can even grab some clothes pins out of the laundry room for impromptu nipple clamps. While you’re in the laundry room, grab the clothes line rope too— it’s great for restraint. Even something as simple as a wooden kitchen spoon makes a wonderful paddle.

Whether you’ve used these items in a vanilla setting “once just for fun” or intended to use them for sinister and mysterious (that’s sarcastic) BDSM, you’ve discovered pervertables! Pervertables are common household items repurposed as sexy/kinky accessories. With pervertables you can get your kink on for little to no money. Many of us, vanilla and kinky alike, have used pervertables (think cucumbers or that phallic shaped shampoo bottle that was popular in the 90s. Uh huh. You know you did).

The only piece of gear you must have to practice kink is your mind. They always say the greatest (vanilla) sexual organ is the brain— the same goes for kinky sex. All you really need is your imagination and creativity.

Public play

“BDSM sounds sort of interesting but I just can’t do it. I can’t have sex in front of people or go to kinky parties! Also, I’m in a happy monogamous relationship, I can’t do that with other people—EW! That is just NOT my thing!” Yes, some kinksters do go to parties, play publicly and play with multiple partners even if they are in a committed primary relationship. Those folks are only a small piece of the pie, however.

There are scores of people who identify as kinky but only share that with their partners. They don’t belong to internet groups, go to parties or shout it from the rooftops. We’re not sure how many of those are out there but I’m willing to bet it’s quite a few. Then add to that the people who are kinky who don’t realize they are (the “I’m into hair pulling, spanking and I occasionally like to go in the bathtub and pee on my partner but I’m not into any of that freaky BDSM stuff or anything” types). See where I’m going with this?

Public players are usually very dedicated to their sexy hobby. They also aren’t afraid to tell everyone about it. These folks have blogs dedicated to kink, join BDSM social groups and websites, they are even the people writing the BDSM books. Just because the public kinksters have the loudest mouths, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are an accurate representation of the entire kinky pie.

Think of public kinksters as the crisscross patterned golden crust everyone sees on the surface of the pie— but what about the hidden sweet filling?

Private BDSM players

Much of that pie filling is comprised of private players. These are your neighbors who like to get their freak on alone in their bedroom once a month when the kids are away on a Cub Scout sleepover. It’s your roommate who told you one night after a few beers they prefer lovers who are rough, commanding and pull on their hair. It might even be you. Many of these pie filling people don’t even realize they are kinky! But how could that be? How can someone not know they are practicing BDSM? Well, namely because there really is no “US and THEM,” a least not in a clear-cut sense. When it comes to vanilla vs. kink activities there’s a huge crossover. Break it down like this, for instance . . .

Are you vanilla or kink?

Vanilla acts = regular intercourse, oral sex, kissing, light touching, giggling, etc.

Kinky acts = spanking, retraining, biting/nibbling, telling someone what to do/doing as told, pain (hair pulling, squeezing, pinching, etc), role-playing, using toys, etc.

Most of us, self identified kinky or vanilla, engage in activities from both categories during play. I’m kinky but I still engage in intercourse, oral sex and pretty much everything from the vanilla list. I can guarantee a large percentage of the vanilla folks dig some of the stuff on the kinky list also.

When it comes to sexual/intimate activities we can’t agree on what is kinky or vanilla. To some, sex toys are kinky but to others, they are commonplace. On which list would you put anal sex? 69? Cumming on someone’s face? Tickling? Calling your partner a “good little whore”? Pinching nipples very hard? It’s all subjective.

The writing of this blog post was inspired by the mental image of a Venn diagram that popped into my head randomly a few nights ago. I’ve drawn it out for you. Forgive me for using Microsoft Paint. Part of my brain still lives in 1997.

On the vanilla side we can include basic activities like kissing, snuggling and missionary position sex with the lights out. The kink side would clearly include some of the more extreme things such as play piercing/blood play, scat and perhaps clown sex.

But again, this is all subjective. I can’t really put electric play in the Kink category because housewives of middle America are currently loving the Jopen Intensity vibrator/kegel exerciser. That toy is marketed to the mainstream but operates based on the same principles as a TENS unit (usually associated with BDSM). These vanilla ladies are receiving the exact same sensation as they would from an insertable BDSM electric device but they’d never guess!

Stop "us" versus "them"

So what’s the point? Simply, stop playing “Us and Them.” Pointing the finger at others prevents us from experimenting, growing and discovering what we enjoy sexually. It ultimately keeps us from being happy.

If I’m into BDSM and I feel like having a slow, tender, vanilla lovemaking session I should be able to tell my partner I want that without fearing they’ll think I’ve lost my edge. If I’m vanilla and have been longing for my lover yank me by the hair and give my ass a good smack, I should be able to ask for that without being afraid they’ll think I’m a weirdo. It’s not about living up to your self proclaimed label, it’s about doing what feels right.

Homework

Your task: ask your lover to try out that thing you’ve been thinking about but we’re too afraid to bring up for fear they’d think it was out of character for you. You might find it’s easier than you imagined to delve into some of those things you always thought would remain just a fantasy.

Originally posted at Sunny Megatron's blog.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, adult sex educator, sex blogger, sexpert, and unintentional superhero. Sunny not only hosts Red Light District Sex Tours for Weird Chicago Tours, she also teaches classes such as: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, and Junk for Your Junk: Sex Toys 101. She is passionate about sex positivity, sex exploration and sex education/safety. The female orgasm is one of Sunny's favorite topics and she has helped hundreds of women have their very first G-spot orgasm.

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

* * *

There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation?

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

If you have read the recent literary phenomenon 50 Shades of Grey, then you must be familiar with the sexy toys it mentions. However, if you are more of a novice then that's ok too! Here are 11 sexy, fun, entertaining and pleasurable toys and items that will make your next romp in the bedroom just that much better.

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Riding Crop - The riding crop got special attention in the book after Anna admitted to Christian that it was something she had fantasized about. It's good for taunting, teasing, spanking for pleasure and punishing.

Bondage Tape - Bondage tape is amazing! We speak from personal experience. It sticks to itself and wont tear out your arm hair or hair from wherever else you're using it. It also comes in tons of fun colors!

Stimulants - These will make your juicy bits more sensitive to touch and the overall sensation is amazing. So when you play you will be able feel and revel in every delicious moment of it.

Candles - If your feeling a little bold we would suggest candles and candle wax. The sensation of hot candle wax on the body is very titillating and sensual. WARNING! If you are not experienced with candle wax play I would suggest using candles made from paraffin wax, soy way, or bayberry (myrtle wax). All of these waxes burn at a low temperature so it's safer for the skin and you won't risk injury. Stick with pure waxes with no colors or perfumes because, that has an effect on the temperature at which your candle will burn.

Nipple clamps - Yes, nipple clams. They aren't at scary and painful as they seem. You can buy adjustable clamps to control the amount of pressure you want. It adds sensitivity and certainly adds more pleasure.

Cock ring - Not only for your man but for you as well. A cock ring will add longevity to your man's erection and will help him last longer.

Vibrator - Vibrators are not just solo play any more! You can introduce a vibrator for your pleasure and for your man's pleasure. The vibrating sensation will feel great on your man's balls and on the under side of the head of his cock. Take turns pleasuring each other!

Butt Plug - Also good for you and your man. Try wearing this while you're partaking in intercourse and feel extra pleasure. Your lover can also wear one while he receives head. This will intensify his orgasm.

Blind Fold - When you have a sense a taken away your others become heightened to compensate. This means your skin becomes more sensitive, and your hearing and sense of smell also become heightened. Try sensory play while blind folded.

Rope - Handcuffs are naughty and fun but, ropes are naughty, artful, and versatile. You can create many positions with ropes.

A nice bag or case - Yes, to store everything in of course! You can buy a nice chest or a bag and store everything in a drawer or in your closet. Or, you can buy both and use the bag for any traveling or vacation excitement.

There are many great toys you can use to up your game in the bedroom. Look at our suggestions, do some research and make your own 50 Shades kit.

If you're feeling bold feel free to share your experiences with us! We would love to hear how GetLusty helps you! With love from, GetLusty.

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident BDSM fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson Love at amber@getlusty.com.

Everyone at GetLusty hopes you all are learning as much as possible during our Fifty Shades of Grey September!

If you haven't already read our articles on Negotiation 101 and Getting Started with BDSM, please do so! We want you to be as knowledgeable about BDSM as possible, so you can have fun and be safe!

This post was written by Master Anakin from Journey to the Darkside, a blog about Anakin's and Padme's BDSM relationship (with a Star Wars twist).

Without adieu, the top 9 traits for a submissive in a BDSM relationship.

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1. Submissive

As a general trait, a submissive isn't asking to be a submissive, they just are. That's the way there are wired. If it isn't there, if that isn't how you feel at heart; if you just don't feel that way towards dominant people, it just won't work.

2. Open

A submissive has to open themselves up to the Dominant's world; they'll be asked and taught to move towards growth and learning new things. But, change can be frightening. There has to be a core willingness to accept the dominant and what they profess is good for you.

3. A sense of humor

See #12 from the dominant list. It's okay to laugh at your dominant when he slips on they KY; and at yourself when you slip. On the other hand, it isn't okay when he's given an order and you know you've been terrible. It's not likely to draw a great deal of sympathy as the dominant orders you to bend over.

4. Responsive

A submissive who claims to be responsive, but is unwilling to listen to the Dominant, and who is convinced that they are the perfect submissive (that they've done nothing wrong ever and that they have nothing to learn) will never grow.

5. Communicative

A submissive is constantly communicating her needs with or without the dominant's requests for information on how she's feeling and doing.

6. Intelligence

If the submissive knows nothing about submission (through reading and talking with others), if they can't figure out what they want, if they can't understand or fathom why they are being asked to undergo training, then no amount of explaining from the dominant will penetrate or be helpful.

7. Emotional awareness

A submissive needs to be aware of how she is feeling, for she is asking and asked to endure a great deal. A good submissive is even aware of how the dominant is feeling. They are aware of the often complimentary and conflicting emotions; loving the pain and being turned on from a good spanking.

8. Strong

As I tell my Padme, it takes more strength to be a submissive by far than to be a dominant. The submissive is asked to endure more, to grow more, to learn more, on a consistant basis, than the dominant. If the submissive is unable to gather the strength to tell a dominant that they aren't doing something right, if they can't challenge something someone says in conversation, then they won't make a good submissive. A good submissive isn't a doormat that just accepts. My submissive is a submissive to me, not the rest of the world. There will be times they need to be strong, and when that time comes they will be.

9. Desire

A submissive is wanting to give up a lot of her freedom's for the benefits of submission; they ask a lot of themselves in order to even ask for this, let alone live it on a daily basis. They've got to want it or they wont be able to stick with it and they will resist it until something gives. They've got to want it even when the dominant is lacking; if they are a true submissive, that fire to be submissive may flicker, but it will never die.

It's #SexToyTuesday. Need some ideas to rev up your love life? Ellen is here to the sexual rescue with some toys that you can add into your bedroom for the ultimate pleasure thrill!

Last week it was smacks and whips, this week is gags and clips! That's right, we dare you to go into that exquisite realm of bondage, pain, and most of all pleasure.

Going along with our Fifty Shades of Grey September, this sex toy round up is all about sensuous torture. Restraints, nipple clamps, ball gags, oh my! And all brought to you by the sinfully sexy Pinkcherry!

This is another great article by our own Ellen Dukes.

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Nipple clamps

First up are the infamous nipple clips or clamps. As you may remember from this month's inspiration, Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, nipple clamps are a favorite in bondage play. Whether it's sucking, pinching, prodding, or pulling the nipples, clamps are meant to flirt with the painful side of pleasure. Don't let the discomfort angle scare you off readers. Nipple clips can be perfectly harmless, especially for beginners, when used correctly.

Also, remember, both sexes have nipples, so this needn't be for the women only. When picking out a nipple product, you can test the strength on your finger or even better, the flesh of your arm, which is fairly sensitive. A good rule of thumb is that if it hurts your finger, your nipple is not going to be happy. Definitely work up to the stronger clamps if that's your goal- it can be done.

For beginners, I would suggest a sucking type of clamp like Pinkcherry's Mini Nipple Suckers as foreplay to stimulate them to full attention. It's easy to use (simply squeeze and let go on the nipple). If you are up for something more, try either My First Nipple Clamps or Nipplettes Vibrating Nipple Clamps.

Both vibrate wirelessly (which can help intensify the pressure in a good way), are waterproof, and, best of all, fully adjustable for whichever kind of level you are at. Pairing some trusty nipple clamps with restraints (and heck, throw in a blindfold!) will work superbly as torture play. Tease, tease, and tease your partner some more with the exquisite pressure of nipple clamps. They will definitely bring out your naughtier side.

Blind folds

Next, is the realm of sensory deprivation.
It may sound like a small and simple item,
but a blindfold can make a word of difference.
Covering your or your lover's eyes creates
a vunerability that can be quite thrilling.

You don't know what caress or lick will go where or when, creating a sensual tension. Plus, with a good quality blind fold dampening your sight, other sensations will take charge with a vengeance.

Try covering your lovers eyes while whispering something very naughty into his/her ear. Or, even better, both strip to the buff, make sure the blind is secure, and surprise them by ravishing different parts of their body, or rubbing parts of yours all over them. Especially paired with your favorite restraint (which I'll definitely hit later) blindfolds can be a surprisingly new way to spice up your usual love making.

Most any cloth material will work as a makeshift blindfold, but I would suggest Pinkcherry's Plushy Gear Lover's Eye Mask. It's soft, dark, and molds to your face making each wear comfy with all the sexy benefits of sensory deprivation.

Restraints

Restraints can also heighten that sexual tension. Whether they be the cool metal of handcuffs (please, do make sure you have the key!), the flexibility of rope, or the simplicity of sheets tied to the bedpost, restraining a lover is a whole new world of love making.

But first things first, some safety tips.

Have an exit: Make sure you both are comfortable with untying the knot or unlocking the cuff. I doubt sexy times can happen without an exit. Of course, intercourse can definitely take place whilst restrained, but when one partner is not quite as into it, or the fun times are over, release has a whole other meaning.

Too tight or just right?: This is a biggie: watch how tightly you knot the material or cuff. Cutting off circulation can get pretty unsexy in a hurry. So if you or your partner feel any numbness, pain, or strain in the tied limb, speak up so the restraint can be released. Having a mutual safety word as well as trying a few practice knots on yourself can get you up to par and ready for a real session.

Once you're a-ok with ropes, cuffs, or whatever you're using, get ready to tease your partner until they beg for more! For beginners, I would suggest using either Pinkcherry's Fetish Fantasy Bed Bindings or the Beginner's Bondage Fantasy Kit. Both have very user friendly restraints (the bed bindings doesn't even need a post or headboard!) to ease you into your bondage fantasies.

Are you or your partner successfully restrained? Now, tease your way up and down their body, varying the pressure and consistency of your touches or (even better) licks. Incorporate food (just watch out for sugary substances in the vagina, yeast infections are not fun) or other toys. Even your most steadfast vibrator can turn into a whole new experience once you're in control. I highly advise using a blindfold and using ice on the most sensitive area. Go between the shocking cold of the ice and the intimate warmth of your mouth for a real treat.

Gags

Though there is very real potential for drool with this torture device, I say go for it! Another deprivation is speech. When you can't tell your lover what you want, you must rely on moans, groans, and body language. The gag can be a major prop in role playing.

Try some rougher play, with restraints and even a blindfold. The gag is meant to be power play, so maybe a game of sex slave for the afternoon with your lover on hands and knees with the ball gag and nothing else. Or the classic break-in situation, with a burglar restraining and gagging the unsuspecting victim before ravaging their body. It's completely up to you.

As for products, try the Beginner Ball Gag to see if you like the feel. This gag is tapered towards the back to keep the jaw from opening too wide, making for a more comfortable experience. Those looking for more should consider stepping up to the Spider Gag. Just make sure you keep proper hygiene in safely washing these toys, since they are going in your mouth. Many are silicone, rubber, latex, or metal, so easily washable, or even bleachable.

With your gag, simply insert into your/your partner's mouth, adjust the strap, and there you go. Some more complicated gags have different parts, metal bits, or can be adjusted in multiple fashions. Also, since a safety word will be harder understand, be sensitive to each others body language, as it will indicate what they're feeling. Overall, make sure you're comfortable with the gag and then unleash your wilder fantasies.

This is a guest post by GetLusty writer, Ellen Dukes. Though Ellen Dukes is not an ethical slut (a damn respectable title, she'll have you know), her curiosity, openness, and the indefatigable search engine Google have lead her to a 21st century sex education.

A Chicagoan, you may see Ellen enjoying the delights of her deeply loving relationship with her boyfriend. Have a naughty story? She's heard naughtier, but tell her all the same at ellen@getlusty.com. She's a wannabe sexpert with years of porn viewing, listening to sex stories, and textbook browsing just waiting to put this knowledge to wonderful use.

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