It seems like everyone is reading 50 Shades of Grey these days. Do you think you are ready to leave the fantasy book world and get into some real, authentic BDSM? Maybe you would like to add kink to your "vanilla" monogamous relationship or maybe you would just like to find a dom for your kinky submissive side. Whatever your situation, our kink blogger, Lilly Rose, is here with the facts about 50 Shades of Grey. This was originally posted at her blog, Lilly's Submissive World.
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Don’t hook up with a dom and mistake sex for love.
Please don’t make that hasty assumption. In BDSM it is very important to discuss the dom’s intentions from the very start. Is he looking for a play partner or something with deeper long-term implications? Is he monogamous or does he have many subs he shares time with? Is he polyamorous? Many kinksters do not believe in monogamous love. Make sure you know what you want and what the beliefs of your play partners are. Have open discussions about it. Be honest. People appreciate honesty. In the BDSM world, it is absolutely necessary for safety reasons to be upfront about everything. BDSM is about testing your limits and going beyond the edge. The only way you are going to know if you are ready for kink play is by discussing your hard and soft limits, your safe word or safe action and aftercare. However, if a dom tries to push you into something you are not comfortable with set him straight or move on. There are plenty of doms out there in all shapes and sizes each with their own individual style and with years of experience. Some doms are more impatient with newbies, others love them.
Kinky sex if done properly can be fabulous or can leave scars that last a lifetime on the inside as well as outside of your body. You have to be more careful with kink, as some fetish play can be quite dangerous. Christian Grey was a violent sadist who at times could not control his urges. In BDSM this is a definite "what not to do." Doms must be in control of their urges at all times. They always have the subs best interest in mind.
Do you like to be teased with a feather? Do you like the idea of being tied up? Do you like to pretend you’re a secretary and you’ve been a bad girl? Do you like the thought of being punished with a spanking? Does watching porn where the girl is being humiliated get you hot? Go you! Those are your fetishes. Embrace them! Now for you doms out there: If you like doing all that, get yourself a girl or boy sub and go to town! There are sites that advertise for subs and doms as well as meetings where you can meet people in your area that are interested in every type of kink fetish play. There are also many different informational blogs and seminars on kink/bdsm. Some are erotica and others are chock full of information and experiences in the scene that can help you. Two awesome sites to check out for beginners in BDSM are: BDSM and Fet Life. Both websites have a comprehensive listing of the different types of fetishes out there and advice articles on how to get started.
Meet your playmates for coffee and see if the chemistry is there
Make it consensual. You don’t have to have your lawyer draw up a legal document like in 50 Shades of Grey. Just sit down with your dom or sub and discuss your hard/soft limits, your safe word, and safe action and aftercare. Write them down on a piece of paper as a list. You can negotiate changes later.
What are your hard and soft limits?
Hard limits are those things you absolutely will not do. Maybe you never ever want permanent scars from play. Soft limits are things that you are not quite sure about. Maybe you might like a little flogging now and then, but you just may not know at the present moment if you are up for it. Pick a safe word. That is the word you utter when you absolutely want the play to end. "No" doesn’t cut it. We say no during sex even when we don’t mean it-especially in kink play. So another word is absolutely necessary to let your dom know when to stop. Lastly, you need a safe action. You never know when you are going to be gagged or your partner decides to put his hand over your mouth. Then you will not be able to say your safe word and you need a safe action.
Discuss aftercare
Unleash your inner goddess
Hurrah for this! Feeling good is the ultimate goal of any kind of BDSM play! If planned well, you can have an orgasm that leaves you in a fabulous trance. Yes, there are subs who are pain junkies and love sadists. They get off on it. If you are that type of person, then more power to you. But as in all sub/dom relationships, trust has to be built before engaging in any kind of intense play. This takes time. You are not going to be jumping into that dungeon right away and being beaten with a belt. That would be foolish for a beginner. Quite frankly, Anastasia in 50 Shades went faster than normal in her entry into kink. Never rush into a relationship with a dom in the BDSM world.
Be safe!
Most importantly, I can’t stress this enough, if you want to try BDSM at any age, be safe. Some BDSM activity involves group play (gang banging), anal play, scat (ingestion of feces), and intercourse—(watch out for germs and diseases) that all involve your share of dangers. So always use a condom and never ever perform anal to mouth or vagina. I know I am going to get a lot of flack for saying that from anal players but there are a lot of infections you can get and that is why it is not recommended by most doctors. As a compromise you can always wash before doing anal to mouth or vagina (keep a sanitizer and wash cloth handy). Any safe kinkster would recommend that. Otherwise, you are pretty much playing a dangerous game of sexual Russian roulette with your life.
Do your research
Want to know how to tie up your girlfriend's breasts with rope? Don’t know what fetish you may like? There are literally hundreds of fetishes sites out there. Some doms and subs can pick and choose off the menu. It is all good, no judgment in the BDSM community. Don’t know if you are straight or gay? No problem, you are pansexual or your sexuality is evolving. The BDSM community is very friendly and open to all types of characters. Welcome to our silly, quirky world where all your kinky desires come true!
Are you a reader?
Believe it or not, 50 Shades of Grey isn't the only book out there. There are much sexier and educational BDSM books that are better suited for learning about this kind of lifestyle. Most doms consider "The Story of O" the bible of BDSM sub training. You may not like everything in it, but it's a quick read, well written and worth downloading or buying. There is a film version of it too if movies are more your style!
Now good luck to all you new Christian Greys and Anastasia Steeles! Remember: do your research, hunt for your mates, and get your adorable bods out there! Be safe and have some fun! If you have any questions you can always visit my site. It is informational as well as steamy and I love to help fellow kinksters.
Lilly Rose is a kink blogger, geeky Ivy League graduate activist and lover of great doms. Find Lily on Twitter @letitlingeron and also check out her blog. Lily also writes for Mindchaotica and Evolvedworld, and her Erotica (fiction and non-fiction) can be found at Literotica.
